Quantcast
I Didn't Become A Wife Until A Year After I Said "I Do"

I Didn't Become A Wife Until A Year After I Said "I Do"

Her Voice

What comes to mind when you think of the term "marriage"? For me, I've always thought of forever.


I pictured my parents, who after over 30 years of marriage, have never had an argument in front of me or my siblings, who stuck by each other's side through things that have may broken other marriages, who were there for each other through the deaths of both of their mothers and grandmothers. I think of cooking competitions, and laying in bed on lazy Sundays. I think of pure, simple, happiness.

So, why didn't I feel that in the months, weeks, and days leading up to my marriage? Why wasn't I walking on a cloud of sunshine and rainbows?

GIPHY

The truth is, in the words of Tamar Braxton, everything was not lingerie and Marvin Gaye in the time leading up to my marriage, or even the beginning of my marriage. My expectations of whatever issues we were facing before we got married suddenly disappearing the moment we said "I do" were obviously never going to happen and the bad habits of mine that I carried from being a girlfriend, to fiancee, to wife were not going anywhere unless I decided to put in the work needed to fix them.

I found myself using the phrases, "Well, as a husband you should..." or "Well, I'm your wife now so..." far too often and felt like I only used the terms "husband" and "wife" to lay out my expectations of what I felt wasn't being done that I wanted them to immediately change.

The beautiful enduring terms of "husband", "wife", and "marriage" became a poison I would spew out to in some way gain leverage during a disagreement or to start one.

GIPHY

It was hard for me to see past what I wanted and take in what he needed in our relationship and marriage. I still found myself holding things from years prior against him and found it hard to let even the simplest offenses go, constantly thinking of what could go wrong, what shouldn't have been going wrong, and the possibility of it going wrong again, as opposed to being happy for all the many things that had continuously went right.

After countless talks, come to Jesus moments, reading (The Four Agreements is amazing if you've never read it) and gut-wrenching, ugly before it became beautiful, simple self-reflection, I was able to start becoming the person, the woman, the wife I've always wanted to be.

Though yes, I was married a year ago, I honestly did not embody what I felt a wife should be nor the person I would have wanted to marry until quite recently.

Neither one of us are perfect in our relationship or marriage, and like most married millennials, are simply trying to figure things out day by day. I can truthfully say I'm in a much better space than I was in last year and am constantly growing to be better.

Now, just a few weeks after our one year anniversary of saying "I do," I can acknowledge how much I've grown, how little I knew, and how arrogant I was to assume just because we had dated for so long that marriage would be a cake walk.

I was lucky enough to marry my best friend, and while most nights feel like an adult sleepover, we still have our hurdles, preconceived notions, and mirrors through which we've been groomed since childhood to see the world, that we are forever breaking and creating anew.

If you too struggled within the first year of your marriage, know that everything gets better but only if you let it. Remember to never base your relationship or marriage on any other couple and acknowledge that all you can do is your best in this game we call life. At least, that's what I'm learning.

Related Stories:

10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married - Read More

I Had to Lose My Husband & My Religion to Truly Find God - Read More

Why I No Longer Entertain The Type Of Men My Body Shape Attracts - Read More

I'm Afraid Of Marriage - Read More

xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com

Your October 2022 Horoscopes Are All About Finding Flow & Alignment

October is a month of balance. With some energy moving direct and some energy moving retrograde, there is a middle ground to find this month between what is unfolding and what you are letting go. The month begins with Mercury officially moving out of retrograde and going direct in Virgo. Mercury this month is cleaning house and sprucing things up after the somewhat tyrant energy it’s brought over the past few weeks. Now that Mercury is direct, there is less interruption when it comes to daily flow and plans, and this is a good month to start setting things into motion.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
The Myth Of The Sex Drive & How Libido Changes From Your 20s, 30s, 40s & 50s

No one prepared me for how horny I would be in my late 30s. All the elders in my life prepared me for random chin hairs, weight gain, and menopause but no one said a mumbling word about my sex drive. Something happens the closer you get to forty. I went from wanting sex here and there to wanting it all the damn time. Is there a support group for this? I can’t be the only one who has the sex drive of the Energizer Bunny. Upon my research to figure out why I felt like a cat in heat, I discovered several theories surrounding women and our sex drives–including one that says the concept of having a sex drive is a myth altogether.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive: Da’Vinchi On Protecting His Peace & Why He Prioritizes Mindset Over Looks In Dating

Da’Vinchi has appeared in many television series such as All American and Grown-ish but it was his role in BMF as Terry Flenory that helped propel his career forward. Since starring in BMF, he made his Broadway debut with Thoughts of a Colored Man and is currently shooting an undisclosed movie in Vancouver. The 26-year-old actor is beginning to see the fruits of his labor and so it’s hard to imagine that he almost went in a different direction. Da’Vinchi spoke with xoNecole’s Dana Blair for our xoMan series about acting, being a sapiosexual, and protecting his peace.

Keep reading...Show less
Black woman with an afro and tube top laughing

If you have been on social media for any significant amount of time this year you may have come across women saying that they are in their “villain era.” For these women, being a villain means embracing the negativity and judgment from others that comes when you say “no” to people, and living your life unapologetically. For them, being a villain means letting the chips fall where they may when you no longer allow other people’s ideas about you to restrict you from living the life that you want and deserve.

Keep reading...Show less
Niecy Nash Says Her Relationship With Jessica Betts Is The First Time She Has Felt 'Fully Seen'

When Niecy Nash-Betts announced she was married to musician Jessica Betts, many people were surprised. The Emmy-nominated actress has a history of dating only men and was even married twice prior to meeting her wife. However, Niecy has become an example of the saying “love is love” and she and Jessica have been open about their relationship ever since.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts