You can actually thank a particular woman (who shall remain anonymous) for inspiring me to write this article. I say that because, while she was talking to me about a romantic summer trip that she was about to take, and she was going down the list of what she needed to get, when I said, “Don’t forget sunscreen,” she looked at me like I was crazy and said, “Girl, we’re Black.”
Umm…AND?
If there is one summer-themed myth that I absolutely cannot wait to die, it’s the belief that, so long as you have a lot of melanin in your skin, sunscreen isn’t necessary. As you’re about to see below, not only is that lies, lies and more lies, it would actually be a wise move to purchase one brand for your body and another for your face.
If sunscreen, let alone two different kinds, doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, let me plead my case — for the sake of the ultimate health and well-being of your skin this summer season.
What Is Sunscreen All About? Really.
GiphyI can’t say that the origin story of sunscreen is something that I’ve always wondered about; however, while I was sitting down to pin this, my curiosity was a bit piqued. What I discovered is that during the mid-1940s, a Swiss chemist by the name of Franz Greiter came up with the first modern kind of sunscreen. A couple of years before that, a pharmacist by the name of Benjamin Green was out here mixing coconut oil and coconut butter together, and that ended up becoming the top ingredients for what we now know to be Coppertone Suntan Lotion. The more you know.
Anyway, the purpose of sunscreen is to create a barrier on your skin that helps to keep UV rays from damaging it — not just when it comes to avoiding sunburn but also skin cancer and premature aging. If you’ve ever wondered what the SPF is on the labels of sunscreens, what it stands for is Sun Protection Factor.
That said, if the label states that it’s a “broad spectrum” type of sunscreen, that means it can protect your skin from UVA and UVB rays (which is a good thing because both rays have the potential to cause skin cancer). If it says “SPF 30” (or higher), that means it’s the kind of sunscreen that the American Academy of Dermatology approves of.
Since sunscreen contains quite a few chemicals, you might be wondering if there are any that you should be leery of. Well, one that is a bit on the controversial side is oxybenzone, mostly because it is considered to be a hormone disruptor. Although research is still ongoing, many health experts say that it’s not an ingredient to be worried about overall.
There is also more data coming out that certain ingredients in sunscreen can actually be absorbed into your bloodstream, though (not to mention that CNN recently published a report that only one-quarter of commercial sunscreens work as well as they claim to). If the mere thought of that has you a bit stressed out, there are mineral alternatives that you can try. You can read about some of the pros and cons of those here.
As far as how to get the absolute most out of your sunscreen, you should apply it about 15 minutes before you plan on going out in the sun; you should cover your body from head to toe; you should be prepared to reapply it every two hours; you should keep in mind that sunscreen is not 100 percent waterproof (although the ones with the “water resistance” label tend to last for 40-60 minutes or so), and you should never forget that the shelf life for sunscreen is typically somewhere around three years.
Why Do Melanated People Need It?
GiphyAight, so now that the 411 on sunscreen has been shared, if, as a Black woman, you’re wondering if you need to apply sunscreen (especially on a consistent basis) — I hope that enough articles have been published at this point that you know the answer to that (even if you are low-key ignoring it): YES, YOU SHOULD. And yes, I am yelling it!
Although it is true that melanin does absorb a certain amount of UV rays and protects skin from sun damage, it’s not so good at it that we don’t need extra protection in the form of sunscreen.
Besides, it’s wise to always keep in mind that currently, 1 in 5 Americans will be diagnosed with skin cancer at some point in their lifetime. Not only that, but sun damage can also come in the form of hyperpigmentation, dark spots, and again, aging.
On the aging front, sunscreen contains ingredients that help to deeply moisturize your skin, so that the sun isn’t able to dry it out (which can lead to fine lines and wrinkles) and it can help to keep the sun’s rays from breaking down the collagen and elastin that your skin needs in order to stay youthful looking.
All of this isn’t something that only the less-melanated people should care about — we all should (check out “Yes, Black CAN Crack. Here's What To Do About It, Tho.”). That said, a brand worth checking out is Black Girl Sunscreen.
Here’s Why “One Screen Fits All” Should Be Tweaked a Bit
GiphyOkay, so now it’s time to get to the actual title of this piece — when it comes to applying sunscreen, should you use the same on your face that you use everywhere else? Great question. Although it might initially seem that it really doesn’t matter if you apply the same product on your face that you do on your body — think about (for instance) the lotion that you apply to your body’s skin. Do you slather the same brand on your face, or do you use a moisturizer on it that’s specifically made for your facial needs?
The same point applies to sunscreen because the reality is that the skin on your face is thinner and more sensitive than the skin that is on the rest of your body. Not only that, but the sunscreens that are customized for your face tend to absorb quicker, are less oily, they reduce the chances of clogging up your pores, and they oftentimes have less (of the same) chemicals in them too.
As a bonus, if you go with a mineral sunscreen that is made for your face, you don’t have to worry about it stinging your eyes like the “regular” sunscreens can.
With all of this said, I ain’t got no lies to tell you — facial sunscreens are a bit more expensive; however, if you can apply certain ones, knowing that, for starters, your chances of experiencing a breakout are significantly lower, that alone should make it worth the cost of the investment, right? I would think so.
BONUS: DIY Sunscreen Is Not Recommended
GiphyOkay and if after taking all of this in, you’ve not only committed to wearing sunscreen but buying a different type of one for your face yet you like to use all-natural alternatives as much as possible, and so a part of you is like, “Hell, I’ll just make my own”? Umm…yeah…let’s not do that.
Articles like TIME’s “Why You Really Shouldn’t Make Your Own Sunscreen” explain, quite clearly why, if there is one thing where you shouldn’t take the DIY route, it’s sunscreen. For one thing, you probably won’t get the ratio of ingredients that you need right in order to thoroughly protect your skin. Also, many of the recipes that you see online, the SPF of them end up being extremely low, not to mention the fact some could lead to skin irritation and/or allergic reactions.
So, instead of risking it with a homemade sunscreen, come up off of a couple of bucks. Your skin will be forever grateful. Quite literally.
___
So yeah, this year, the next time you head out to pick up some sunscreen, make the concerted effort to get one that’s specifically made for your face, too. Anything that can help you to put your best face forward, even in the sun, don’t deny yourself, chile.
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Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."
Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
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Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
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I was inspired to write this because, recently, while reading about eight types of narcissists and what their traits consist of, I revisited what a vulnerable narcissist is all about. Then, as I connected some dots via another piece that I read about how it shows up in female friendships — well, because this is a platform for Black women, I definitely wanted to put y’all on notice. Because when it comes to toxic friendships (which really is a bit of an oxymoron, isn’t it?), there is probably nothing worse than having a narcissist friend — someone who displays traits like being highly self-centered, pretty apathetic, and constantly gaslighting those around them.
Okay, so what’s the difference between a “regular” narcissist and a vulnerable one? Yeah, let’s get into that now because I’ve got a feeling that some light bulbs are going to go on for a few of you…as it relates to at least one of your current…“friendships.”
So Basically, a Vulnerable Narcissist Is the Same Thing As a Covert One
GiphyIf you check out the article, “Science Says That Happy Couples Do The Following 7 Things” on this platform, one thing that you will notice that I said is, since I’ve been a marriage life coach, I’ve not really been big on using the word “vulnerable” when it comes to serious relationships. Charge it to being a writer who takes words pretty literally (dictionary-defined ones, not what social media makes up from year to year) yet I’ve never understood why we should encourage people to be vulnerable with someone who they deeply trust.
I say that because I know that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt” and “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” And although I get that no one is perfect, if you feel like dealing with those closest to you requires taking this level of an emotional risk, on a fairly consistent basis? In my opinion, that is a dark orange flag, if not a flat-out red one.
I’ve said before that my preferred word is “dependent” because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and healthy relationships? They absolutely should be INTERDEPENDENT. Yeah, whether it’s romantic, familial or a friendship — why are you out here feeling like sharing yourself makes you open to attack and harm when you should be involved with individuals who can be relied on for support? See the difference? And that is why a vulnerable narcissist makes sense to me — since a narcissist is unsafe, by the very definitions of vulnerable, a vulnerable one would be too. Even more so, in fact.
Here's the clincher, though. Even if you’ve never heard of a vulnerable narcissist before, I’m willing to bet that some of you have heard of a covert narcissist, which is basically the same thing. The fascinating thing about a covert narcissist is they are more subtle than some of the other types — which is exactly how they are able to trip folks up. Because although they need lots of attention and they tend to act really self-important (like all narcissists do), a covert narcissist moves in some pretty sneaky ways.
For instance, they might go really heavy on what seems like compliments (more on that in a sec) in order to make you think that they admire you when, really, they just want to get your guard down in order to get whatever they want out of you. Another example of a covert narcissist is they might act like they are proud of something you accomplished; however, they are actually sticking close by to get some of your contacts or to work themselves into the successful world that you created, so that they can actually compete with you. One more example of a covert narcissist is if they don’t get their way, they may ghost you for days, weeks or months at a time and then be all passive aggressive about it whenever they resurface.
And why are they like this? Because vulnerable/covert narcissists get off on gaslighting — they want you to feel like you are crazy for thinking what is, 8.5/10, spot-on about them. That way, you can be the villain and they can play the victim — even though it’s probably the exact opposite that is actually going on. They do this because, ultimately, to boost their ego. For a narcissist, pretty much of any kind, game-playing is what fuels them and makes them bigger in their minds than they actually are (or even deserve to be).
10 Dead-Ringer Signs of a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyOkay, so even with all of what I just said, what if you’re like, “Shellie, I think I get it, but I need a few more examples of what you’re saying”? I hear you and I’ve got you. Some other ways that vulnerable narcissists like to show up and out?
- They are hypercritical and condescending
- They act like they are allergic to accountability
- Their expectations are unreasonable (and hypocritical)
- They are walking contradictions
- They want to be the center of attention (and while monopolize things
- They are masters at giving others the silent treatment
- Their expectations are unrealistic and their demands are ridiculous
- They deflect instead of apologize
- They flatter (use fluffy and insincere words) yet don’t affirm or compliment (yes, there is a difference)
- They lack empathy or humility
And why — or even how — would you be a friend with someone like this? Well, the other thing that you have to keep in mind about narcissism is they are excellent at using charm to their advantage. Charming people tend to come off as being charismatic and witty. Charming people seem to be really interested in you (at least initially). Charming people have a way of making you feel very comfortable around them. At first, charming people seem genuine, attentive and respectful. And they definitely make a good impression — sometimes one that is so solid that you keep going back to that memory during the “bad times” with them.
Hmph. The thing that you have to always keep in mind when it comes to charm, though, is what Scripture says about it: “Charm is deceitful…” (Pr. 31:30) — and that is just what a narcissist is: deceptive.
And when it comes to a vulnerable narcissist and her friendships with other women? The deceptive runs deep.
How a Vulnerable Narcissist Shows Up Especially in Female Friendships
GiphyAlways remember that a vulnerable narcissist moves in subtle and sneaky ways. Hmph, that alone should make you want to ponder if you have some female friends who would fit the bill of being a vulnerable narcissist because we do have a way of being clever and ingenious…which are two of the things that come with being a subtle type of individual. And the way that subtle narcissists use their clever and ingenious ways to their advantage? I’ll give you an example.
A former friend of mine who was — and from what I hear, still is — an absolute vulnerable narcissist really wanted me to be her fan rather than her friend. One time, she even invited me to a bachelorette party and said, “You’re the only one here who isn’t a bridesmaid. You should feel honored.” Nah, what you really said is that you don’t truly value what I bring into your life enough to be a bridesmaid but you know I am good for bringing one hell of a gift and cheering you on regardless.
And that’s how a lot of our friendship was — doing way more giving than I was receiving, doing way more listening than leaning and when I would call her out on some of these things, she would either freeze me out or play the victim and act like somehow it was my fault that she wasn’t being a better friend.
Yeah, that’s what you’ve gotta watch about vulnerable narcissists — it is going to be oh so very rare that they will take full accountability for where they have dropped the ball. To them, somehow, it — whatever “it” is — is either going to be your fault or someone else’s. And that’s why, in their eyes, if you were a “real friend” to them, you would coddle them through not meeting your needs instead of expecting them to actually change their ways so that you both could benefit from the relationship.
And why don’t your needs matter? Because, to a vulnerable narcissist, they believe that they are worthy of extra special treatment at all times — think of them like being a bridezilla 24 hours a day. LOL.
And although some of what I said can be nuanced, for the most part, that really is how a vulnerable narcissist tends to make themselves seen and heard in female friendships: treat them like queens and expect to be mere subjects in their court or…why are you around at all, chile?
5 Hacks for Handling a Vulnerable Narcissist
GiphyFeeling triggered? Or better yet, are you feeling like you finally can “scratch the itch” of what you’ve been looking for to describe a certain person (or certain people) in your life goes? If that is the case and although you see some flags, there tends to be at least a little bit of good enough in your dynamic with “your” vulnerable narcissist to not totally break things off (yet), how do you keep a vulnerable narcissist from causing (anymore) harm?
1. Set firm boundaries. The former friend who I just spoke of? It took years to fully and finally unravel out of all of that (pretty much because she took her elitism to “no turning back” levels a few years ago). A part of the reason why is because she’s not the devil; she really isn’t — she’s just a narcissist. So, what I did to make things more bearable for myself for a while was set some emotional boundaries.
Sometimes I had to tell her “no” and provide no explanation behind it (narcissists think that they are owed every damn thing, chile). I refused to be at her beck and call all of the time. When I felt like she was stressing me out, I would take a bit of time off from phone calls or hanging out. Listen, you will never survive a narcissist, of any kind, unless you have some firm and consistent ARTICULATED boundaries set. If you don’t heed any other point, please heed this one.
2. Have consequences in place for when they are broken. There is no point in setting a boundary if there aren’t going to be consequences for when they are broken. So, for instance, if you tell a vulnerable narcissist that you don’t appreciate them not taking accountability for telling your business to a mutual friend (because they are also extremely entitled individuals), you should probably keep your mouth shut around them for a while. Narcissists care more about their present interests than your holistic comfort which is why they tend to do stuff like that (sometimes).
3. Look at patterns over promises. Narcissists are a lot like energy vampires — and something that both of those need is a source of supply to leech off of whether it’s attention, emotional investing, resources…whatever will benefit them and what they are wanting at the time. And that is why they have no problem telling you that they will do something for you…even if they don’t end up following through. They do this because they want you to put enough confidence in them to be willing to go out of your way on their behalf — at least until they get what they need in the moment. Be careful of that. In genuine friendships, you should be able to rely on others just as much as they should be able to rely on you.
4. Choose to not see them as your “safe place.” Remember, narcissists are charming. They can also be witty, fun and totally entertaining to be around. A word that I wouldn’t use for them, though, is “safe.” The former friend who I mentioned? Although she was good at keeping information confidential (which is a safe trait), she couldn’t be relied on when I was hurting because, somehow, she was going to find a way to turn the focus on her (that is unsafe). I mean, rarely could I tell her something and she wasn’t going to turn it into a story about herself. Yeah, narcissists are always on some sort of makeshift stage, chile. And that can be exhausting.
5. Make sure you know what your “breaking point” is. I tell clients often: Be okay with being someone’s consequence sometimes because there may be a chance that they won’t learn any other way. Do I miss that former friend of mine? Eh, by the time that I was done, I was DONE done. However, we had a lot of years between us and so there are memories that get to me on random occasions. And although I don’t hate her and can see her and genuinely care about how she’s doing, we have nowhere to go in the future. She’s always going to want me to do most of the work — and I am no longer interested in doing so. Breaking points are good. They let us know when a chapter in a relationship has…completed itself.
____
An author by the name of Nassim Nicholas Taleb once said, “Love without sacrifice is theft” (that kind of makes me think of the late author Eric Jerome Dickey’s quote, “Sex without love is violence”). At the end of the day, that saying is a good way to “gut check” your relationship with a vulnerable narcissist. Ask yourself if you are basically the only one doing any sacrificing. And if that is indeed the case, is it worth it?
Remember, a vulnerable narcissist thinks that they deserve to be treated better than everyone else — including you. If you want to keep that type of person as a friend, just know what you are getting yourself into. Because since they are probably never going to change, you will be the one who has to.
One way or another, sis. One way or a freakin’ other.
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