Oprah’s Relationship With Her Mom Shows Us That A Mother's Love Can Be Both Beautiful And Complicated
Over the holiday weekend, Oprah said goodbye to her mother Vernita Lee at age 83.
Vernita passed away on Thanksgiving at her home in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, after being retired by her eldest daughter, Oprah Winfrey. Her loss has us acknowledging the air of mystery that surrounds their relationship as mother and daughter.
Vernita Lee (left), the mother of Oprah Winfrey (right), passed away on Thanksgiving/Handout
Oprah has gracefully shared stories from her troublesome upbringing, often recounting the lessons she learned from experiences like becoming pregnant at 14, giving birth to a daughter that would later die from complications, and how she used that experience as a newfound opportunity to start over and pursue her dreams. Once she gained success from The Oprah Show, she made it her business to take advantage of the luxury to retire both of her parents who never had it easy:
"[I wanted] to take care of them and to provide for them and to make sure that they never had to want for anything as they tried to do for me."
Despite Vernita's efforts working as a housekeeper, she found herself unable to provide for her daughter, that was conceived while she was just eighteen years old. Her home was less than whole, as Oprah was the result of a one night stand Vernita had had with her father, Vernon Winfey.
After giving birth to Oprah, she moved to Wilkwaukee, leaving her newborn with her grandmother Hattie Mae Lee in Mississippi where she would spend the first six years of her life. When the mother and daughter reunited in Oprah's adolescent years, Oprah was often acting out, and Vernita felt like the best course of action would be to send her daughter to live with her father. Later on in life, Oprah saw the strategy behind her mother's decision, as she shared during an interview with Barbara Walters in 1998:
"I was 14 and then sent to live with my father. And that ended it. That ended it. He was so strict because he knew what he had to deal with."
Though later on in life Vernita was able to live with ease, her life had many difficult moments, especially as a mother. She had to deal with the death of two of her children in her lifetime, Jeffrey Lee in 1989 and daughter Patricia Lee Lloyd in 2003. Before that, she had to make the difficult decision to give up Patricia for adoption in order for her to receive the love and resources she needed. Vernita shared:
"I made the decision to give her up because I was unable to totally take care of her."
Oprah had an emotional reunion with her sister, Patricia Amanda Faye Lee, on The Oprah Show and shared about their sister that she had never known about but grown to admire:
"She had tried, and tried, and tried again, even wrote an email to our office back in 2007...had gone to her pastor, who contacted my mother's pastor, who then sent a letter to her mother. She tried and tried and tried again to get responses from my mother and other people in the family, and never once thought to go to the press. She never once thought to sell this story ...so when I heard this about you I didn't know whether it was true or not true. Now I know it is true that you are my sister...I had to meet you because I had to meet somebody that had that type of character."
timedotcom.files.wordpress.com
Though Vernita was not widely-known in the public's eye, she made sure to express her admiration for the woman her daughter has become in interviews:
"When she did 'The Color Purple,' I felt so proud of her… I said to myself, 'Oh she's my daughter.'"
Oprah made sure to let her mother know that she knew she did the best with what she had at that point of her life, sharing:
"To my mother, I say, 'You can let this shame go.'"
Relationships with your loved ones are notoriously complex, as we cannot choose our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. However, there is something very beautiful about seeing a person really empathizing with their loved ones and forgiving them for difficult choices they had to make.
As young adults, we often forget that regardless of a person's role in your life, they simply cannot give you what they do not have themselves. As daughters, sometimes we forget that our mothers are doing the very best they can with what they know and what they have. And lastly, there is no shame in that.
Rest In Power Queen.
Featured image by Tibrina Hobson/Getty Images
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Another season of Love Is Blind has come to a close, and almost two months later we’re still unpacking the drama that is Clay and AD. The finale, reunion, and post-interviews with Clay and AD after season six of Love Is Blind left millions of people wondering - why couldn’t AD see the signs? Clay told her he had a fear of marriage, his parents experienced infidelity, and he seemed to have many doubts about saying, "I do."
After changing his mind at the altar and hearing AD question why she feels like she’s never enough, I was finished watching. I didn’t need to hear anything else because, at that moment, I realized this wasn’t about Clay; this was about AD feeling inadequate before she ever met Clay.
If I’m honest, I don’t watch much dating television. TikTok keeps me updated with the clips that I need to see in order to be kept in the loop, but it’s difficult for me to watch an entire season of dating TV because seeing Black women settle for less and questioning their beauty is a trigger for me. In many ways, there were points in my life where I was AD, settling and ignoring red flags because I wanted to be loved.
Now, on the other side, it doesn’t feel good to see Black women lower their standards on national television. There have been many hot takes on this couple and who was in the wrong. Did Clay play in AD’s face or did she not listen to the truth of what he told her from day one? Was his reason for joining the show to promote his business and not to find the one?
We’ll never know the truth, but what we can do is learn tactics to better our self-worth. Founder and CEO of The Self Love Organization Denise Francis shared her expertise with xoNecole on what tangible steps to take to improve feelings of worthiness. “Self-love blooms in a garden where self-worth is planted, nourished, and whole. However, when your self-worth is challenged, displaced, or broken, it could be difficult to rebuild," Denise explains.
How To Rebuild Self-Worth
During her self-love coaching sessions, Denise likes to walk her clients through the cornerstones of rebuilding self-worth: grace and self-compassion. To her, self-worth is never lost, it's only displaced, so practicing self-compassion and giving yourself grace is a must. "We tend to place our self-worth in entities and people of ourselves such as relationship status, physical appearance, material possessions, social media followings, what others think of us, and more. Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth.
"Self-worth is not something to be measured by anyone or anything outside of ourselves because we all innately hold value and worth."
"When we place our value into people or things, we tend to feel that we are not enough, worth it, special, or important when relationship status, job titles, friendships, and physical appearances are lost or changed. We then tend to feel lost within ourselves because we’ve placed our value outside of ourselves. Using grace and compassion, you can rebuild your self-worth by returning home to who you are at your core," she concludes.
How To Return Home To Yourself
Denise advises taking a step back and using self-reflection through journaling by answering the following journaling prompts:
First, ask yourself, "What do you tend to attach your self-worth to and why?"
Is it your relationships, your job title, your finances, your appearance, etc.? Why do you think you place so much emphasis on external status? How does it make you feel when you are defining yourself through these entities and/or people outside of yourself?
Then, ask yourself, "Without these things, who am I?"
Once you have your answers, show yourself kindness, remove the shame, and, as Denise says, "Redefine yourself by detaching your value from the things and people you have no control over and no longer serve you. Challenge yourself to define yourself outside of titles and societal values."
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person. You begin to find value in the way you love instead of your relationship status, your compassion instead of your popularity, your drive instead of your income/job title, and your heart instead of your physical appearance," she adds.
"By returning home to your core, you find value in who you are as a person."
"Be intentional with healing your self-worth by leaning into the people and things that nourish your core values. Surround yourself with the people who love and cherish you, they will always remind you just how valuable you truly are."
It all goes back to self-compassion and grace. As Denise explains, leading with those two things as you heal and rebuild your self-worth allows you to reduce negative self-talk that might come up for you. "This weakens thoughts like, 'I am not enough... why am I never enough?'" she shares, "And 'I don't deserve this while strengthening thoughts like 'I deserve better,' 'I am enough,' and 'I am worth it.'"
Denise continues, "Once you return home and remember the irreplaceable person you are, you can rebuild your self-worth by placing it back where it belongs. It belongs to you."
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images