Why It’s Heartbreaking To Hear Women Say They “Don’t Do Females”
Everyone is entitled to their own life preferences, but it always makes me cringe when I hear women say they do not believe in fostering friendships with other women.
In the instances that I've heard this statement, it is said with pride – as if a badge of honor is somehow bestowed upon those of us who choose to only connect with guy friends.
We justify these prejudicial statements by saying that women are just too messy or always get too jealous. And as I tune in to all the reasons why women choose to shut themselves off to other women, it saddens my soul and begs the question: "Who hurt you, sis?"
All of us have been there before - a little scarred by frenemies and downright mean girls who've chipped away at our trust. Yet, for each of these situations, there are bonds that are rekindled with maturity, reflection that leads to sincere apologies, and an overarching sisterhood that deserves to be embraced more than the stereotypical shade displayed on reality TV shows.
Truth be told, the very essence of my successes is tied to women.
A mother who's made sure I feel like "I ain't seen a ceiling in my whole life." A grandmother who instilled hard work and independence into the fabric of my bones. Elementary friends who guard my heart and protect my mind from the insecurities pushed upon me by society with encouragement and truth. High school buds who are willing to drive to the end of the earth at the drop of a dime to save my butt. A whole crew of law school friends yelling, "Yassss" for every accomplishment.
My girlfriends double as spiritual advisors when I can't find the light in a situation. They are there holding my hand when depression tries to seep into my life.
My girl gang motivates me to connect with my higher purpose, pushing me toward my destiny through encouraging texts and calls. They check me when I am wrong, sympathize with me when I am cramping for dear life, and love me when I'm not even sure I love myself.
And although I'm sure that your best guy friend tries with all his might to do the same things, there is nothing quite empowering as receiving love and affirmation from a woman who walks a similar path as you. She understands why you're so emotional when your dude doesn't get the big deal, knows when you need your leave out adjusted, and has the patience to take five million pictures of you from different angles to make sure you get one good shot.
There is indescribable value in woman to woman relationships that makes us better.
So when I hear that one of my sisters has shut herself off from ever receiving this type of golden bond, it makes my heart ache.
It makes me sad for a moment because she'll never know how having at least one authentic woman to share life's journey with, elevates you like nothing else this world has to offer. She will forever miss the fact that her initial attitude toward the women she encounters begets the negative response she has preconceived in her mind.
She might never realize the growth that comes with recognizing that we often attract relationships that are a mirror reflection of ourselves, or understand that fierce lady friendships start with positivity, an open mind, and the willingness to forgive not so perfect women who are evolving into more.
As women, we are programmed to be intrinsically resilient. Our magic has always been in our ability to dust ourselves off and try again despite the worst circumstances.
We hope, in spite of, for love, inclusion, and mutual respect – determined not to give up regardless of rigor. We are forever pushing the envelope and fighting like hell for the things that are important to us.
Use your resilience to work just as hard to foster love among women.
Understand that sisterly relationships are the fabric that strengthens our cause. It binds us together in ways that make us unstoppable.
Share a smile with someone as they walk through the door. Think positively about the pretty girl that you'd normally deem "boujee" or "stuck up" before ever getting to know them. Give compliments like it's your full-time job. Be intentional about forming valuable bonds with those in your industry, your church, and your PTA meetings.
And, if along the way you bump into a woman who just doesn't get it yet, gracefully love her anyway – choosing not to let her negative reaction ruin it for us all. By doing these things, you will find solace and peace that motivates you to keep elevating so high that you change the climate of the world.
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
I Got My Girls: The Best Girlfriend Relationships On TV Today
Why I'm Okay When Certain Friendships In My Life End
The Problem With Allowing Your Friends To Be Your Side Chicks
How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends
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Kandice Guice is a lifestyle and beauty writer who doubles as an attorney and entrepreneur. She prides herself on helping multidimensional women discover personal and professional fulfillment by encouraging them to live with ambition, sass, and a whole lot of pizzazz. When Kandice isn't closing corporate transactions or writing blog posts, she is usually cheering on her husband as a football coach or looking for new travel adventures with friends and family. Check her out at kandiceguice.com and follow her on all things social @kandiceguice.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Elaine Welteroth Recalls The ‘Humbling’ Hospital Experience That Sparked Her Maternal Advocacy
Elaine Welteroth is shedding light on the traumatic doctor’s experience that pushed her to advocate for expecting mothers of color.
In an interview with PEOPLE, the former editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue gave a transparent recount of her experience navigating the medical system as a first-time mom.
“I think pregnancy is the most vulnerable time for any woman,” Welteroth said. “I came into childbirth and pregnancy really naive. I was kind of shocked by how little I knew about birth and navigating the medical system.”
She adds, “I thought, I've done hard things in my life. How hard could it be to have a baby? You find a doctor, you go to the hospital, you get the epidural, you have the baby.”
Upon relocating to Los Angeles with her husband, Jonathan Singletary, Welteroth was met with “humbling” encounters with medical professionals while in search of a doctor.
She recalls one occasion with a doctor who cut her off during questioning, enforcing a limit on inquiries per visit. “I had one doctor literally stand up in the middle of a question I was asking, and cut me off and tell me that I exceeded their two to three question max per visit,” she says. “And she walked out on me, and this was the eighth doctor I’d met with.”
“I was asking very straightforward questions like, what's your intervention rate? What's your C-section rate? These are questions every birthing person should be asking of their care provider. I was asking, could I eat or drink water during labor.”
Shockingly, “The doctor literally laughed at me and said, ‘What do you think this is? You can't just walk into a hospital, pop a squat, and have a baby,’ and dismissively walked out of the room.”
Welerorth’s is just one of the many examples of Black women’s growing plea for support and advocacy during pregnancy and childbirth.
According to a 2021 study by the CDC, “the maternal mortality rate for non-Hispanic Black women was 69.9 deaths per 100,000 live births, 2.6 times the rate for non-Hispanic White women.” The NLM also reports that “Black women in the United States (U.S.) disproportionately experience adverse pregnancy outcomes, including maternal mortality, compared to women of other racial and ethnic groups.”
To combat this disparity, Welteroth has launched the BirthFund initiative to help provide midwifery care and support for families and address the alarming maternal mortality rates in the United States, particularly among Black women.
Welteroth’s dream team of “founding funders” include Savannah James, Kelly Rowland, Serena Williams, Ayesha Curry, and more.
“The beauty of this initiative is that it really does meet people where they're at. It’s a grassroots fundraising effort,” she says. “These are women and privileged folks who understand how broken this system is because of their own personal experiences, and we all come together and agree that we need a change.”
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Featured image by Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images for The 2024 MAKERS Conference