Dating A Man With No Job, No House & A Kid Was The Best Decision Of My Life
My girls' trip to Cancun was only a few days away. And frankly, I was on a high from finally understanding that I didn't need a relationship to make me whole.
I was a newly sworn in attorney with a plush job working for a Fortune 500 company, traveling the world in my spare time. That within itself was something to be proud of. But even more than that, I was falling madly in love with myself – a lifetime goal finally coming into fruition. I had cause for celebration.
It was the first time in the history of my existence that I wasn't tying my value to a man.
I was realizing that I was the catch. And not just because of my accomplishments, because of my soul. Despite all of that, I was open to dating for fun.
Credit: Mecca Gamble
So there I sat, across from a 31-year-old man who'd been shooting his shot for years. Somewhere in between the appetizer and entrée, he looked me square in my eyes and told me that he'd recently quit his full-time job to take a football coaching internship at a university that was eight hours away.
I suppose that could've been my cue to dismiss myself. Instead, I sat there listening to him lay out his full game plan for reaching his end goal of being a Division 1 Football Coach. He had a clear and definitive timeline, passion in his eyes, and the willingness to make the necessary sacrifices.
As he finished up his spill, I thought to myself, Any man this strategic and determined will succeed.
Credit: Mecca Gamble
Through late night convos about following dreams and creating legacy, I quickly fell in love with Bakari day by day. It didn't matter that he was practically living out of his car or had no steady income coming in.
I decided to give Bakari a shot because, unlike the other in-between men I'd encountered along the way, he had a game plan to match the dream. He wasn't just a talker, he was a doer, who was using his own savings to fund his ambition. He had a deadline and a fallback plan.
I looked at him and realized that he embodied the difference between a scrub and a man sacrificing on purpose.
Credit: Mecca Gamble
Three months later, he was promoted to a full-time position. I felt like we'd dreamed a dream together and made it happen. He did the long nights and grunt work while I did the cheering and motivating. We prayed about our ambitions and watched as they continued to unfold in front of us with each passing day.
In just another six months, he was promoted again. And this time, he used the money from his salary to buy me a ring.
Credit: Mecca Gamble
Friends and family are proud to say, "He married an attorney," and "She married an assistant director of player development at a major university." They can't get enough of the fact that our wedding was featured on Essence.com. It brings them joy that we get to "live our best lives" together. But what really makes our love special is its commitment and persistence despite the odds.
We decided to go against the grain and create our own love story our own way.
It's been three years since my first date with Bakari. And every day, as he kisses me on the forehead before heading out to his full-time job, in a career field that gives him the earning potential to make 5xs more than me, I'm thankful that I didn't let temporary circumstances dictate long-term happiness.
Credit: Mecca Gamble
At 30, I've made a lot of choices, but dating a man who lived long distance with no job, no house, and a kid was the best decision of my life.
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Originally published May 29, 2018
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Kandice Guice is a lifestyle and beauty writer who doubles as an attorney and entrepreneur. She prides herself on helping multidimensional women discover personal and professional fulfillment by encouraging them to live with ambition, sass, and a whole lot of pizzazz. When Kandice isn't closing corporate transactions or writing blog posts, she is usually cheering on her husband as a football coach or looking for new travel adventures with friends and family. Check her out at kandiceguice.com and follow her on all things social @kandiceguice.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images