Viola Davis Opens Up About Anxiety And Not Feeling Pretty Enough
They say love sees no color. And in my own experience, I totally agree with that.
Having spent the majority of my adult life in an interracial relationship I can tell you love is a powerful force. Love will make you do things you thought you never would and force you to reevaluate everything you thought you knew about life. But from the outside looking in, others weren't so quick to accept or appreciate a love that looked like ours. We'd been attacked, belittled, and shunned by strangers and those closest to us. It made us want to fight even that much harder to stay together.
Viola Davis now knows a little something about what it might feel like being in an interracial relationship. With her first leading role in the upcoming thriller Widows, Davis finds herself in the opening scene passionately kissing her onscreen husband actor Liam Neeson. Davis recently sat down with The Guardian to talk about how this portrayal of interracial love is actually a rarity, why she's actually learned a great deal from her battle with anxiety, and how years of trying to be "pretty enough" cost her greatly.
In the thriller Widows, Viola plays the wife of Liam Neeson: a "hunky" white man. The portrayal of a black woman romantically linked to a white man is few and far between, and Viola recognizes that this is an important moment not only for her but for society as a whole. When we talk about representation, this is another reality that deserves to be recognized and displayed on-screen. The actress says that she doesn't want this important to get lost on the audience and says:
"For me, this is something you'll not see this year, last year, the year before that… That is, a dark-skinned woman of colour, at 53 years old, kissing Liam Neeson. Not just kissing a white man, Liam Neeson, a hunk. And kissing him sexually, romantically… Nobody will pay attention to that. And if you mention it to someone, I think they'll feel like it's hip and it's funky that they didn't notice it. But will you see it again?... If you don't think that's a big deal, then tell me, why isn't it happening more?"
Davis has also opened up about her past experiences playing roles written by white men. Previously when she's tried to offer her opinions or give feedback from her point of view, she was often silenced and even placed under gag orders. For the actress, these events caused her to stifle her own voice, led to bouts of anxiety, and eventually forced her to take another look at her career and the years she lost working this way.
"I was trying to fit in, stifling my voice, stifling who I was, in order to be seen as pretty, in order for people to like me. And then going home, not being able to sleep and having anxiety. I have found that the labelling of me, and having to fit into that box, has cost me a great deal. I've had a lot of lost years."
We've seen Viola step onto various red carpets boldly embracing her natural locks. And for most women of color, we know the uphill battle that comes with fully embracing our naturalness, so it's refreshing to see Viola rock her hair with such poise and confidence. But for the actress, while she's tried in the past to be "pretty" enough for others, she's learned over time that people's opinions of your beauty truly have no value.
"Even the weight thing, how I look in a dress, how I look on the red carpet. I've never been the beauty queen. Listen, when I was six years old, I lost the Miss Central Falls Recreation Contest – that was a beauty contest and I was in a bathing suit that I bought in the Salvation Army. Still, you hold on to the feeling of 'Do people think I'm pretty?' But pretty doesn't have a value. Pretty didn't serve me when I was grieving for my father when he passed away."
So many of us are team introvert, and we do a good job playing it off in public spaces praying for the moment to break away and retreat back into our comfort zones. For the 53-year-old, social anxiety has always been a part of her journey. She describes times where she would literally freeze in rehearsal and why in a way, her anxiety coupled with the pressures of performing on stage actually worked out in her favor. She reveals:
"I'm not an extroverted person… I used to have crippling social anxiety. When I first started acting, I would get bad stage fright and when I say bad, I mean heart palpitations. I would stop cold in rehearsal. I'd have people screaming at me just to open my mouth and say a word… This is socialisation on steroids, this business. I'm so much better than I used to be."
I think we can all relate to the fear of not being pretty enough and/or moments of anxiety that might force us to hit pause from time to time. Viola Davis is a powerful example of how to take what might cripple others and turn it into fuel to power us towards our dreams.
Widows hits theaters November 6. Make sure to get out and support this queen in her first leading role! To read the rest of her feature story with The Guardian, click here.
Featured image by Dylan Coulter for the Guardian
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Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images