Ask Ayana Iman: My Man Still Lives With His Ex, What Do I Do?
Ask Ayana Iman is a weekly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, a certified life coach drops some much-needed gems. Check out this week's segment below.
Dear Ayana Iman: I am with a guy and he lives with his child’s mother. They broke up and she is about to move out of the house, however, lawyers are involved because she wants all the money back she spent on remodeling his kitchen. I feel weary most times because the process is taking too long. Sometimes I think they are making things work and not separating, other times, I remind myself that it will soon be over. He and I work together and hang out majority of the days. I feel like I’m running out of patience.
Sis, there is no loving or humping good enough to accept a piece of a man. Broken up or not, he's involved in a messy situation and you have chosen to join him. What you're currently feeling is your intuition telling you to get out. If he loved you, he wouldn't ask you to be a part of this situation. If you loved yourself, you wouldn't stick around.
Let's put things into perspective:
Man meets women. Man moves in with woman. Man has baby with the woman. Man meets another woman. The cycle continues.
I don't care if he was unhappy in his relationship, that is not an excuse to start another. His selfishness has created drama that cannot be undone with the child's mother moving out. The process is taking long because it's the breaking up of a family. Children are a lifetime commitment. That means she may be out the house soon but her presence will be felt at all times. You damn right she wants the money back from remodeling the kitchen. That woman is in pain and you are a part of the problem. It's not about the breakup. It's the blatant disrespect from a man she loved, with whom she had a baby and made a house a home.
You mentioned you work together - this is another issue. Office relationships are tricky to navigate, even in total bliss. Since you are emotionally invested in him, it may be worth considering a new role in the company or elsewhere. You need a clean break to start fresh away from him and his drama. If you choose to stay, there may be adverse consequences, like disciplinary action from HR if there is a policy against interoffice relationships, tension that affects your productivity, and compromised relationships with your coworkers. Sadly, your reputation can become marred from gossip.
This is not worth losing your integrity. You deserve more, honestly.
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Dear Ayana Iman: I told a guy I was crushing on him. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and going through a lot. I'm 23 and trying to get over the rejection but it's hard. How do I get over someone who never really wanted me in the first place?
This was not rejection, a divine intervention, maybe but not rejection. The only thing you need to do is to let go and move forward. He had the decency to not lead you on and was able to communicate his inability to commit. Would you rather he didn't tell you the truth and drag you through a possibly painful experience? Your worth is not determined by the amount of pain you take.
Trust me, relationships don't have to be complicated for you to experience real love.
I know you're young in age and this may feel like the end but it's not. Word of advice, the next time someone tells you their truth believe them. Whatever he's going through needs to be worked out between him and God. Now is not the time to put on your cape; you can't save 'em all.
Do you have a question about love, life, career, wellness, etc. that you'd like for life coach Ayana to answer in a future Ask Ayana Iman segment? Submit your questions here for a chance to have your question answered! Click here for past Ask Ayana Iman posts to see if your question has already been answered or to read past stories/advice!
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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