Love should never be all there is in a relationship and deciding when enough is enough should always be an option.
Last month, Tamar Braxton drew a line in the sand when she filed for divorce from her husband Vince Herbert after nearly nine years of marriage. If you keep up with the singer/actress and Dancing WithThe Stars alum, you know that her life has been on public display for many years. From filming reality shows like Braxton Family Values and Tamar and Vince to her very dramatic exit from the daytime talk show The Real, Tamar is no stranger to the camera or the critics.
During the lead up to the newest season of Tamar and Vince, reports of her impeding divorce almost seemed like a publicity stunt. But soon afterwards, Tamar's mom Evelyn Braxton began talking to anyone who would listen about her true concerns about the demise of the marriage: alleged domestic violence.
What would you do if your daughter was trapped in an abusive relationship? Well, Evelyn is basically on a press tour of her own speaking out against Vince, saying that “battered women are in denial." Abuse is no laughing matter, and it is definitely isn't something to take lightly or to use to drum up ratings. We hope that this is not the case.
Recently, Evelyn sat down with the Rickey Smiley Morning Show, and her revelations are not only sad, but perhaps triggering for some folks. In the interview, Evelyn describes Vince as a “bully," “violent," and asserts that she is afraid not only for the fate of her 4-year-old grandson Logan, but that she is also afraid for her daughter's fate as well. She doesn't want Tamar to become a “statistic."
Evelyn fears for her daughter's life.
When you're violent like that, you don't think about 'Oh I better not do this because my child may see this,' you're just angry. And so you're acting out a behavior, and badly enough, the behavior he is acting out on is on Tamar. And I'm just afraid that he may hit her the wrong way, push her, and kill her, let's keep it real. Over 12,000 women are abused and killed every year. I do not want Tamar to be a part of that statistic, I just don't.
While her statistics may be off, there is still a huge cause for concern. If her allegations are true, Tamar is already a statistic. 1 in 4 women will become victims of severe violence by an intimate partner in their lifetimes, so the idea that this can happen even in Hollywood should not be a shock. These terrifying allegations highlight a disturbing reality for millions of Americans. According to the CDC, nearly 5 million women in the U.S. will experience physical violence by an intimate partner every year.
Evelyn also goes on to describe her daughter's own mental state.
Tamar's in denial. Because I think women that are abused are always in denial. They always think, 'oh he's not bad, it's okay, he's going to change, he didn't hurt me,' because they are hiding it from the public.
The cycle of violence not only leaves women in denial, but also in a state of isolation. They feel so alone with the thought that no one will understand why they would want to stay in this type of relationship. In a lot of cases, the abuser is charismatic, friendly, and seemingly a kind person to outsiders. However, their demeanor often changes behind closed doors. Because of this, some women are afraid to even tell their stories because they feel they may not be believed. As time goes on, victims start to feel as if it is their own fault, often justifying the abuser's behavior. In combination with low self-esteem, the cycle continues.
Evelyn also recalled a time that she was visiting Tamar and heard a loud sound. When she went to investigate, she saw Vince abusing Tamar, and when she tried to defend her daughter, Vince turned on her.
I ran back to the room because the baby was in the bed with me. I was very much afraid for the baby. I put a chair behind the door. I barricaded myself in the room, and held that baby all night long.That's no way for anyone to live, for God's sake. I was very concerned about my daughter, however, if I had I called the police, she would have denied it. Listen, battered women are in denial. They are hoping that things will change, and things will get better. No, no, no! It will not get better. And sometimes we think, 'if I had not said this, he wouldn't have done that. It's my fault' It's always your fault in your mind, body and spirit."
In some cases, victims of abuse may take on a persona to mask the reality of their situation. They make others believe that everything is alright, when this is far from the truth. Back in 2013, in a very emotional girl chat interview with Necole Kane of xoNecole, Tamar talked about a past abusive relationship and how it played into her self-esteem issues. Her words then were so important, but I wonder how much of what she said is still true to this day.
The reason why you see a lot of confidence is because I didn't have it. I used to allow people to take that away from me. The only thing that worked for me was to act as if I thought I was fabulous, but I didn't think I was fabulous. One day, I refused to let that person have that over me. That lie became my truth. I've always had a big personality it's bigger to you all now because I kind of had to play it up because that side still lives there. But I refuse to let that show because that would mean that he had won. I won because I'm still here!
As women, we are often reaffirmed in our identity to endure. Endurance can be beautiful, but that strength and resolve can be violated when we put our hearts in the wrong hands. The same hands that vow to protect us can belong to a man that doesn't hesitate to raise it when he feels compelled to. And sometimes our perception of love becomes distorted. We get fooled by words that's actions don't sync up, but when we're strong enough to remember who tf we are, we get a piece of that woman back that we were before we lost her.
If the allegations about Vince are true, we can only hope that Tamar has the strength to deal with her divorce and the healing process that will be necessary for not only her own mental health, but for the sake of her son.
Divorce is an extremely difficult process in and of itself, but the freedom you receive from your abuser is no doubt priceless.
