Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a wife of over two decades who hates to be on the receiving end of oral sex. It had me so intrigued that we ended up discussing it for almost an hour. Basically, what she said was that although she enjoys going down on her husband, she has never really found cunnilingus to be appealing with any man; plus, her husband can’t seem to come up with a technique that will change her mind.
Being the healthy sex-in-marriage fan that I am, I asked her to consider queening (you can learn more about that here). Then I told her that I was super grateful for her honesty and candor because it was going to inspire me to do some (extra) research on oral sex in general.
And so, y’all, here we are. Depending on how fast you read, be prepared to devote at least 5-7 minutes to some of the facts, statistics, and other intel that I’ve found out that’s centered around nothing but oral activities. Something tells me that there will be at least one tidbit in here that will cause your mouth to fall wide open (umm…no pun intended…LOL).
1. There Are Solid Health Benefits from Oral Sex
GiphyFirst up, oral sex having health benefits is not some line that a horny guy came up with; there is actual factual data to back that up. Aside from the fact that, just like sexual intercourse, it can reduce stress, increase dopamine levels, decrease pain and discomfort in the body, and keep your heart in great shape, oral sex is also great at fighting signs of aging and, thanks to the oxytocin boost that it provides, it can even help to make minor wounds heal faster.
Hey, that’s not all, though. When you get a chance, check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” to read more about how sperm/semen helps to boost cognitive abilities, improve the quality of your skin, and even make your teeth whiter (no joke!). There’s even melatonin in sperm/semen that can help you to sleep better.
As far as vaginas go, guys can serve themselves well by engaging in cunnilingus. One reason is that, so long as the vagina is healthy, there are as much as “100,000 to 100 million Lactobacillus cells per gram of vaginal fluid” up in there. Yep, the va-jay-jay is the ultimate probiotic, and probiotics are helpful for men because they lower stress, improve moods, strengthen immunity, stabilize testosterone levels, and help to prevent inflammation of their prostate.
2. Oral Sex Won’t Get You Pregnant BUT…
Even though oral sex won’t get you pregnant (which can be a huge plus if you’re not ready to be or interested in conceiving a child), please don’t think that you’re home-free on the STI/STD front because that absolutely couldn’t be further from the truth.
Basically, every sexually transmitted infection or disease (which at the end of the day is pretty much the same thing, although more people are starting to feel comfortable with the word “infection” in spite of “disease” still being more popular) that can be transmitted via sexual intercourse can also be transmitted during both fellatio as well as cunnilingus — this includes chlamydia, gonorrhea, and even HIV.
So, if you’re someone who has a casual mindset about oral sex, thinking that it’s somehow “safer,” just remember that there are more things to be concerned about in life than not getting pregnant. So yeah, definitely get tested every six months, and don’t feel the least bit bad about asking for your partner’s STI/STD test results before going down, either (especially if it’s someone new).
3. Even Though “Sex” Is Literally in the Term, Guess What?
GiphyI went to Christian schools until college, and boy, there was nothing like hearing people (especially girls) go into complete and utter denial that they had sex if it was of the oral variety — even though it is literally called “ORAL SEX.” What in the world? It makes you wonder if people even know what the definition of sex (when it comes to sex) actually means because it’s not sexual intercourse.
Sex, as a verb, in Merriam-Webster means “to arouse the sexual desires of,” and if you put “sex” on Google, it says, “sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse.” Seventeen Magazine says that sexual stimulation counts as sex and although a survey published in Women’s Health Magazine reveals that a lot of people don’t think oral sex is “definitely sex,” they do see it more in a “sex light” if an orgasm transpires (humans are a trip, boy!).
Me? I think WebMD sums it up very well whenever folks want to deflect from oral sex being sex: “Oral sex involves genital contact and is an intimate act.” Yes, y’all — it’s sex. It’s time to let the denial…GO.
4. Fellatio's Origin Is Extremely Literal
If you and some of the people in your world like to play your own randomly weird version of impromptu Jeopardy, perhaps this lil’ tidbit of information will come in handy one day. Although I’m pretty sure that you know that fellatio is all about orally stimulating a man’s penis, did you know that the word’s origin is in the Latin language and that it literally means “to suck”?
As far as cunnilingus goes, from what I’ve read and researched, it too is Latin; however, it’s the combination of two words: cunnus (which speaks to a woman’s vulva) and lingere (which means “to lick”). Hmm…sounds very close to lingerie, doesn’t it? That’s another deep dive for another time, I guess.
5. It Doesn’t Happen As Much As You (Probably) Think It Does
GiphyI’m not sure if this will surprise you, but it certainly did me. Did you know that, on average, people only engage in oral sex around five times a month — whether they are on the giving or receiving end? As far as analingus is concerned (because oral stimulation of the anus certainly qualifies as oral sex), twice a month is what most folks are doing out here (whether they choose to admit it or not).
6. No Head Is a Deal-Breaker for Quite a Few People
As I was checking out some popular surveys on the topic, I was kind of thrown to see that only a little over half of the US population thinks that oral sex not being on the table is a sexual deal-breaker. Hell, I wish a man would expect me to commit for the long haul without that being on the menu (negro, please!).
To me, that speaks of pure selfishness with a dash of immaturity, although some of my male friends said that if they had to choose between intercourse and blowjobs, it would be intercourse for the win every single time (the same survey said that close to 93 percent of women enjoy giving head, by the way). Thoughts?
7. Fellatio Can Benefit Fertility and Pregnancy
GiphyI’ve already shared some of the ways that giving head can benefit the lives of both men and women; however, did you know that it can also make it easier to conceive too?
There’s a study in the Netherlands that revealed there are paternal antigens in a woman’s partner that, when she swallows his sperm/semen, can actually increase her chances of conceiving and decrease her chances of miscarrying. Hmph. Y’all keep on thinking that sex is nothing but a casual act if you want to. Science constantly proves that it’s way more intricate and purpose-filled than that, chile.
8. The Average Age of One's First Sexual Experience Is...
It’s not TMI for me because I wrote it in my first book. The first time I was on the receiving end of oral sex was around 19. Apparently, I’m an old head because, guess what the average age is for both guys and girls? Freakin’ 16. Hmph. What immediately comes to my mind is what someone I know used to say to their daughters when they were in high school: “The same penis that you’re trying to suck is the same one their parents are trying to get them to wash.” Talk about a reality check.
Anyway, at the same time, around 33 percent of girls and 36 percent of guys say that they never had oral sex during their teen years, so that can give some of your parents hope if you’d prefer none of this to go down before their high school graduation.
9. Throat Cancer Is Not What You Have to Worry About When It Comes to Oral Sex
GiphySome of us are old enough to remember (it was just a decade ago, by the way) when actor Michael Douglas caused folks to freak out in a semi-major way by saying that he got throat cancer by giving oral sex. Eh. Not quite. The complete truth is no, you cannot get throat cancer from oral sex. At the same time, what you can get is the human papillomavirus (HPV).
It’s an STI/STD that’s currently the most commonly transmitted in our country, and if it’s left untreated, it can turn into precancerous cells that could very well lead to throat cancer in some instances. Just one more reason to get tested regularly and to only, umm, engage with those who do the same.
10. What You (Might've) Heard About White Folks and Oral Sex Is Apparently…True
Back when I was younger, and I would hear folks who were like 10-15 years older than me talk about oral sex, oftentimes they would say, “That’s what white folks do.” Now, while I think we’ve been just as oral as everyone else (just probably more private or perhaps even sneaky about it), there are official formal studies that say that white men start going down on folks before any other demographic and that white people, in general, partake in oral sex more than any other ethnicity. Gee, I guess those people I was ear hustlin’ on were kinda-sorta right.
11. Mouthwash Can (Possibly) Be Beneficial on a Couple of Levels
GiphyHere’s a hack: If you’re looking for a way to give your partner an extra tingly sensation when you’re performing oral sex or you’d like a flavor that is a bit of a “distraction,” put a mint in your mouth beforehand or gargle with some minty antibacterial mouthwash.
If you do decide to go the mouthwash route, it’s actually got another benefit — word on the street is it can help to kill off some of the bacteria colonies in your mouth and throat that are directly associated with the STI/STD gonorrhea. Pretty wild, right?
Now, this doesn’t mean that you can just gargle some Listerine after unprotected oral sex and be all good. However, there is more data coming out that it can be beneficial on the killing bacteria front as far as certain STIs/STDs go. The more you know.
12. Certain Animals Get Down with the Get Down
Oral sex isn’t limited to humans. There are actually certain animals that take great pleasure in it, too. Some that top the list include hyenas, goats, sheep, cheetahs, lions, bears, fruit bats, and gorillas. Something that I personally like about knowing this is it proves what I am a firm believer in — that sex isn’t just for procreation. All sorts of mammals engage in it for sheer pleasure, too. #salute
13. Guys Wanna Go Down More; Women Find It Less Pleasurable to Return the Favor
GiphyIf you’ve got a guy who tries to deflect from being more “orally active,” share with him that some popular studies actually reveal that more straight men would like to perform cunnilingus than they actually do. Meanwhile, although a lot of women are open to performing fellatio, some surveys say that only 28 percent of women take great pleasure in doing it. Some of the top reasons include because they feel like they are doing it out of obligation, while others don’t like doing it during casual sex.
14. More Church Folks Could Stand to Learn What Cistern Means
Church folks, chile. I won’t say any names, yet I will share the story. I once heard a Black megachurch pastor go on and on about how back in his “unsaved days,” he used to receive oral sex often (come to think of it, I don’t recall him saying that he was on the giving end as well…ANYWAY). Oh, but now that he’s come to the Lord, he doesn’t “disrespect his wife” by having her do that.
I promise you that I think a lot of folks need a Schoolhouse Rock Gospel Edition when it comes to the Bible and how fond it is of sexual activity because when King Solomon (2 Timothy 3:16-17) said, “Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well” in a chapter of the Bible that is devoted to marital fidelity (Proverbs 5:15) — I wonder how many people get that a cistern is defined as being “a reservoir or receptacle of some natural fluid of the body.”
Do I need to go deeper, or should I just pass the collection plate around one good time now?
15. One of the Oldest References to Oral Sex Is Pretty Mind-Blowing
GiphyWhat I just said brings me to one final point. Those of us who pay attention to the geography of the Bible know that it consists of Africa (Egypt specifically) and the Middle East. That’s why, whenever folks say that it’s “the white man’s religion,” I roll my eyes. Anyway, guess what I read once upon a time? Salon published an article entitled, “Ancient Egyptians were so into oral sex, they put it in their religion — and religious art,” which complements what I just said about the cistern pretty well, if I do say so myself. That’s not what tripped me out, though. It’s the tale of Isis and Osiris.
As legend has it, when Osiris was killed by his brother and cut into pieces, his penis was missing. Isis made one out of clay, sucked it, and brought Osiris back to life. It is one of the oldest documentation of oral sex in history. Like I said…mind blown.
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So, tell me, which of these 15 points caught you totally off guard and why? For me, what I like about these kinds of pieces is it’s a reminder that everything has layers and things that we can always learn more about. Clearly, fellatio, cunnilingus, and analingus are no exception. Not by a long shot.
Clearly. *Whew*. CLEARLY.
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On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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