The 5 Lessons That Have Prepared Me For My Thirties As A Spiritual Woman
As my solar return draws near, I have been reflecting on the experiences of my 20s.
Within a whole decade of life, I have broken away from a restrictive religious upbringing, spent years in karmic and unrequited romantic relationships, survived my "hoe phase," graduated from film school only to be inactive in the field, experienced many failures, became a full time entrepreneur and freelance writer, adopted a nomadic lifestyle, and found my truth and purpose in life.
In honor of the fact that I enter my 30s this year, I decided to reflect on my biggest life lessons, revelations, as well as old expectations in love, career, and spirituality that have in turn shaped my goals, mindset, and future love life. Cheers to another year.
Overcoming Procrastination & Fear
I found that I used to often say, "Once I do/get/have that, I'll do this, that or the third." The "Once I…" habit was a bad habit that I knew I had to get rid of. I later realized it was a form of fear paired with procrastination, and for those reasons, it was a dangerous combination. Making moves contingent upon something happening before you make those moves is limiting and detrimental to progress.
Shedding the fear of lack and limit has been key to my growth as an entrepreneur, and a manifestor of all that I desire in my life, both professionally and romantically. To outgrow fear is no small feat. Throughout my twenties, I was presented with opportunities to transcend my own self-afflicted fears. It took wisdom to realize that my fears were ever self-inflicted, to begin with. At times, I most definitely gave in because living without fear is very difficult. As I flourish into my 30s, I have learned that true fulfillment and happiness cannot exist, if there is any fear left in your subconscious.
Overcoming Anxiety About Money
I had to learn how to adjust my attitude about money in the sense that I didn't let it spearhead my fears of not achieving goals. I used to have that little nerve in the bottom of my chest that caused anxiety when funds became low or in waiting. I learned not to cling too tightly to the thing that can be as quickly destroyed or taken away as it can be made.
Money is source energy manifested.
I've learned to have faith that all that I need at the right moment in time will be given to me by the universe. One affirmation that has helped me change my perception of money is, "the universe is my immediate and endless supply," from the collection of books "The Complete Works," by Florence Scovel Schwinn. Read it, it's life-changing!
One experience in particular, that strengthened my acceptance of this truth, is when I sublet my apartment prior to my first nomadic move. Long story short, my temporary tenant decided to move out of my apartment a day before the next month's rent was due. Naturally, I was freaking out! After a severe back and forth, the tenant miraculously decided to pay for the upcoming rent, but not stay in the room. This allowed me to replace him with a more secure tenant, and use the money to pay to self-publish my entrepreneurial endeavor, "Melanade Stand's Tarot Card Deck™️," formerly known as, "Brown Girl Tarot."
The gag is, the amount I received was a little bit more than what I needed to pay for my first print. That was divine intervention, and that was the universe supplying me immediately and miraculously.
Surrendering To Patience
Patience has been an ongoing battle for me. Learning to let the passage of time teach lessons that only the passage of time can teach, has been a large pill to swallow.
I've learned not to worry about the timing of my life when it comes to career and love.
Part of what has helped me realize the necessity for patience are the lessons that I learned in failures. Had I not opened up my own speakeasy, I would not have had the experience of being a restaurant owner at all. Although I struggled gaining a consistent stream of clientele, the lessons learned are invaluable. I learned how to write a professional business plan, and create an investment pitch deck and portfolio.
I also learned crucial knowledge of business financials and structure, including calculating your pro forma cash flow, BEP, market analysis, strategy, and implementation, etc. Starting my own spiritual business online has taught me all about branding, market targeting, SEO, copywriting, and social media growth and management.
When it comes to love, I have been in serious relationships, and I have been in serious "situationships." Only the passage of time has taught me to differentiate between the two. I have been deep in love, and I have been deep in lust.
Only the passage of time has taught me what love truly is and has enabled me to find unconditional love for myself before expecting it in someone else.
In general, if you know where you want to go, that is where you'll end up. Gaining experience and soundness of self is what I've cultivated during what felt like stagnation in time. Success takes time. Finding true love takes time. Your progress may speed and slow, but I realized that either way, it never stops.
Learning Humility
I've never been so humbled in my life. I've experienced things that made me stop and realize just how blessed I am. Getting to the lowest point of being homeless, is an experience that is hard for me to put into words. Sitting in one of the worst homeless shelters on Skid Row in Los Angeles, with every tangible possession that I owned, along with everyone else around me, was a slice of humble pie that I never imagined I'd ever eat.
The fact that I have more than some people can ever dream of is such a stifling but totally rewarding experience at the same time. Being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes allows you to have a perspective that's innately unselfish. It allows you to check yourself when you're wrong and stand up for yourself when you're right.
Practicing gratitude for all the things that you do have is the gateway to gaining true abundance. Instead of being thankful for having more things, become thankful for what it is you already have. Being humble has changed my entire purpose. It has helped dissolve my ego and push me to become a better person in service to others.
Realizing Self-Love, Self-Care & Self-Awareness
I've learned what it is I want in love and how it mirrors what I can give. I know what kind of man I want, and why I deserve that kind of man. I've learned that it is okay to be firm in what it is that you need in a significant other and not wasting one minute settling for anything less than what makes you happy.
You can only attract the sum of what you are, so aim high.
My future partner will embody the essence of myself in another vessel, and I'll accept nothing less.
The same understanding applies to family and friends. Over the last several years, it seems like I have shed so many people around me who were toxic to my progression. I've had "best friends" who were really enemies and I've had family members who might as well be strangers. The lessons I've learned have been in cutting the chords to anyone who has only reciprocated negativity and toxicity.
On the flip side, I had to learn where I have been toxic within myself. I had to see myself as a mirror of other people's pain that I reflected back to them. I've had to learn how to call myself out on my own BS, and learn to take accountability for my shortcomings. I had to see that through my very extroverted nature, I often made myself the center of attention without self-awareness of this negative trait.
Through a journey of self-love, self-care, self-awareness, and spiritual transformation, I have become an entirely different person than who I was at the start of my second decade of life.
Choosing a life of purpose led by intuition has ultimately led me to who and where I am now.
Here I am 30! I am ready for the next 10 years of lessons, in which I hope includes marriage, motherhood, and becoming the woman I was born to become.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 10 Life Lessons I Learned in My 20s | HuffPost ›
- 10 Life Lessons I Wish I Knew in My 20s | Inc.com ›
- The life lessons men should learn before they reach 30 | The ... ›
- These are the life lessons everyone should learn in their 20s | indy100 ›
- 15 hard lessons to learn in your 20s - Business Insider ›
- Eight essential life lessons you'll learn in your twenties | Metro News ›
- 20 Things I Learned In My 20s ›
- 20 Life Lessons I Learned In My Twenties ›
- 10 Life Lessons I Learned from Surviving My 20s | Mark Manson ›
Fontaine Felisha Foxworth is a writer and creative entrepreneur from Brooklyn New York. She is currently on the West Coast working on creating a TV Pilot called "Finding Fontaine", that details the nomadic journey of her life so far. Keep up with her shenanigans @famoustaine on IG.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images