I’m Good Luv, Enjoy: How Saying 'No' Keeps Your Life Balance In Check
The way my life is set up, I am the worst at being a "yes" person. Always have been and probably always will be if I'm completely honest. From not wanting to hurt someone's feelings to being afraid of missing out on an opportunity that could change my life, I am really bad at saying no.
But when my energy and well-being are the ones suffering, something's gotta give, and it could only be my health and self-care for so long.
When I started saying no, I felt just as liberated as those days after work when I relieve myself of my bra and pants (sometimes I say no to certain things for the sole purpose of being able to do just that). It just brings this empowering feeling of balance, boundaries, and all things self-care. While saying no still calls for cringe-worthy moments of awkwardness, it's so needed.
It's Okay If You Have Nothing On Your Schedule
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Having no plans doesn't mean you have to say yes to something just to fill the empty space. I used to feel so guilty about saying no to going to an event, babysitting, etc. when I didn't have anything else to do. I just didn't want to do that.
I once heard someone give this suggestion as a tactic to say no and I literally hollered. I still have yet to put it in motion, but it's definitely in the vault for ways to decline an offer if I ever feel like doing so it could be super awkward. Basically, if someone asks you to do something that you really don't want to, tell them, "I have something on the schedule." And then go and write the word "something" in your calendar app or wherever you actually keep your schedule.
It sounds kind of corny but even if your "something" is going home, taking off your bra, and binging on Netflix for a much needed rest day, that's completely fine.
Don't feel like you have to explain or justify it just to say no.
Have A Cut-Off Time For Work
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Working as a full-time freelancer, it became really difficult to have a work-life balance. Especially when how much work I do directly impacts my coins. So you can probably see why saying no became really hard for me once I embraced the freelance lifestyle head-on.
There was absolutely no balance in the timeframe that I worked, so it wasn't rare for me to burn the midnight oil for the sake of the grind (and again, my coins). But when you get to a point where your fatigue impacts your work, there's a clear problem. Because without a balance, it's only a matter of time before it does. I had to start setting a designated time I would work each day and not go beyond that. Whether it was holding off on answering emails until the next morning or turning down an event because I desperately needed a lazy day, being intentional about a work-life balance is one of the best ways to have a balance overall. It just calls for saying no every once in a while.
Designate A "Give Fund" And Don't Go Beyond It
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Saying no doesn't just mean turning down invitations and not answering emails. I've been in the position where not saying no when it comes to this taboo topic of loaning money has really messed with my balance too. There's really no need to get into the details, but what I will say is that I know most can relate. For me, I found that having a fund that's designated for giving to people can create a much needed boundary. And when that fund runs out, it's over. You can reup whenever you want or nah.
But remember, you don't have to explain why you're saying no.
If it's something you don't want to do or don't feel comfortable with, you should be able to say no without any shame or guilt. Yes, there's this honorable thought that goes with giving someone the shirt off your back. But the key is balance.
Those Who Love You Will Understand
As much as we hate saying no sometimes, the ones who really love us and get us will be okay with it. I can't even count the times when it took everything in me to say no to something, and the person on the other end was completely understanding and actually made me feel better about it.
On the flip side, in those moments when I said yes to something I really didn't want to do, I started to dread it right away and tried to think of ways to get out of it. Like that meme that says, "I'm sorry I was late, I didn't want to come." This was the story of my life for quite a while. But then I started telling myself I didn't want to do it in the first place, I was going to start saying no. And anyone who understands you and the importance of your self-care and sanity will understand why you're saying no as well. And those who don't, well they're definitely not worth you sacrificing your precious time for.
Featured image by Hispanolistic/Getty Images
- Why Saying No Is an Act of Love | HuffPost Life ›
- How To Say No and Stop Over-Committing Yourself | The Blissful Mind ›
- Self-Care: A Working Definition - The New York Times ›
- Why Saying "No" More Is The Self Care You Really Need But Never ... ›
- 3 Ways to Set Boundaries and Learn to Say "No" | Psychology Today ›
- When saying no to others is self-care not selfishness | SBS Life ›
- How To Say "No" To Plans When You Want To Prioritize Self Care ... ›
- Three Simple Strategies to Say No to People ›
- When Self-Care Means Saying 'No' | The Mighty ›
Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images