Ever since I can remember, I've had a type: tall, dark, and quirky.
But the moment I turned 25, the vacancy I felt in my love life began to Cupid Shuffle all over my heart. You see, I've never had a boyfriend, like ever. I was close once and sure, he had all the fixings of what I thought I wanted at the time, but the official title never came. Age has a funny way of forcing us into deep reflection and whew chile… I had to come face to face with the fact that I was possibly the cause of my own existential crisis: could having a "type" be keeping me single?
I knew this was something worth further inspection after a talk I had with my sister. I was telling her about a guy that had slide in my DMs who – judging by his IG profile – just didn't fit the bill for someone I would give time to. After I shared my findings with her, she casually says, "Aley, you're too picky."
I was shook.
How could this be? Even with my physical preferences in mind, I had always considered myself to be someone who was "equal opportunity."
It wasn't until after this series of unsuccessful dating attempts that I really started to stick to my guns about staying true to my type. After all, what's so bad about liking what I like?
I blame college for what is now my fairly obscure perspective of "the perfect guy." Back then, if you had a certain type of that you habitually leaned towards, there were about 8 of them on campus that you could choose from and if they weren't to your liking, there was always another campus not too far away with about 10 more. And even then, my "pickiness" took a backseat.
In fact, while attending an HBCU, I still managed to dip my toe in the snow. My first time dating outside my race was two years into my matriculation and just a year shy from my full conscious awakening. He sought me out via social media and excuse my then internalized anti-blackness but it felt good to be chosen by the oppressor. He was one of those redhead white guys with a sense of style that would remind you of a British R&B singer and I was smitten.
I mean the boy had swag and talked a heavy game, might I add. My time with him, although brief, was one of the most fulfilling dating experiences I have ever had. He saw me as his African princess, minus the all the weird fetishization. But my Colonizing King turned out to be a flake and on our first Valentine's Day together, he left me at the altar of my dorm room steps, taking my Happily Ever After along with him.
In an attempt to suppress my desires for my ideal tall, dark, and quirky archetype, I dated a pill-popping Papi from the Bronx, a classmate with height hindrances and hidden insecurities, and oh, how could I forget my long-distance lover with an even longer rap sheet with loose women? Still, as long as the guy was respectful, intelligent, and could make me laugh, I could always just pray that he'd have an overnight growth spurt or that he'd have a spontaneous "Come to Jesus" moment.
Truth be told, I always felt like dating outside of my type placed me in a unique position.
As if because I stayed open to the variety of packages that love could come in, no matter the race, religion, height or creed, if all else failed, I could always say, "Well, at least I tried." As I navigate my mid-20's, I fully recognize the societal pressures that come with being a young, educated, career-focused Black woman to find love while being "reasonable;" to keep my options open without compromising.
There's enough propaganda floating around about all the good Black men being in jail or having their hand at the Beckys and Sarah Annes of world to fool you into believing that your dreams of a Black Love fairy tale are just that: a fable. But I'm just crazy enough to believe that there's a king out there that will meet and exceed your expectations and you won't have to share him or put money on his books every week.
At this point in my life, I don't think I'll be budging when it comes to sticking to my type. I've tried my hand at pretty much every type of guy there is and if the desires of my heart haven't shifted in another direction yet, then I doubt they'll be going anywhere anytime soon.
Call me naive or applaud my resilience but my Black Love is worth fighting for.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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