Right when I’m about 4-6 weeks out from it officially being summer (which happens during the third week of June), something that I am prone to do is scan the internet for a few Black women to inspire me when it comes to achieving flawless summer skin.
This year, the post that you see below is someone who definitely caused my eyes to get wide. And although I know that some of what I’m viewing is good ole’ genetics, her skin is still so radiant and impactful that it has 1000 percent inspired me to kick my own skincare routine into overdrive.
And what am I doing to cause my skin to glow in the summer sun? The following 12 tips are definitely getting me right — and I am beyond certain that they can and will do the same for you, too.
1. Use African Net Sponges
I don’t know what freakin’ took me so long to get onto the African net sponge game — oh, but I’m here now and a sistah ain’t goin’ nowhere! The main thing that got me into them is because I was sick of trying to find ways to deep cleanse my back. African net sponges are bomb in this way because they are long enough to reach ever part of my back, they are made from a fabric that deeply exfoliates without overdoing it, they last longer than loofahs and they don’t trap as many bacteria and gunk in them; they lather up well and rinse clean afterwards. I absolutely adore them.
So, if you want to get rid of those stubborn dead skin cells in hard to reach places, so that your skin will glow, wash with African net sponges. You won’t regret using them — not one bit.
2. Wash with Salicylic Acid
So many of us were sold the dream that once we hit our mid-20s (shoot, at the latest), acne would cease to be (so much of) an issue. Chile, I am good ‘n grown and I still have to deal with breakouts on my back sometimes. SMDH. Something that has helped me out, tremendously though, is using a body wash that is made with salicylic acid. Your skin will like this acid because it exfoliates, unclogs pores, reduces inflammation and dissolves dead skin cells over time. The main thing to keep in mind with salicylic acid, is too much of a good thing can be problematic and, with it, it can dry your skin out, if you’re not careful.
That said, I’ve had zero issues with KaraPil’s Exfoliating Body Wash with Salicylic Acid. In fact, it prides itself in being a wash that doesn’t dry out your skin.
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3. Exfoliate with Honey and Yogurt
I’m going to provide a couple of more tips on exfoliating because if you want your skin to be super swimwear ready, that is absolutely one of the best things to do. Exfoliation helps to improve the quality of your skin; it makes it easier for your skin to absorb moisturizing products; it breaks up dead skin cells; it helps to boost collagen production and it can prevent your skin from looking dry and dull. As far as all-natural exfoliants go, consider applying a mixture of honey and plain yogurt.
Honey is gentle yet powerful when it comes to killing bacteria, soothing inflammation and pulling moisture from the air into your skin (which is what a humectant does). Yogurt has lactic acid in it which is wonderful when it comes to softening the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, removing dead skin cells and lightening acne scars. Yogurt also works thanks to its ability to tone your skin, protect it from sun damage and brighten in as well. You can check out a super easy yogurt and honey skin recipe here.
4. Do Some Dry Brushing Too
Wanna super exfoliate your skin? Dry brush. Want to remove toxins from your system? Dry brush. Looking for a way to reduce the appearance of cellulite? You already know what I’m gonna say — dry brush your body. It really is kind of wild that with all of the ways that dry brushing can help with skin issues, more people don’t do it (or do it consistently). Anyway, if this was a reminder for you to dry brush more often or get a dry brush, period — there ya go.
white and brown wooden heart shaped decorPhoto by 5. Rub on Some Bakuchi Oil
Where is time going that it’s been almost two years since I wrote “Plum Oil Is The Oil You Should Ease Into The Fall Season With” for the site? And although I continue to be a huge fan of it, the last time that I ordered some, the merchant sent me some bakuchi oil instead. I was irritated at first; however, the drama of shipping the product back motivated me to give it a try — I’m glad that I did.
Since I like to use oils to “seal my skin” more than anything else, I immediately noticed how light of an oil bakuchi oil is. Then I did some research and discovered that it contains potent anti-inflammatory properties and it can help to relieve itching and hyperpigmentation (when used regularly) too. So, if you want to create a natural glow with your skin, bakuchi can make it happen without a lot of greasiness or residue (which is always a win).
6. Get a Back Facial
At the time that I am writing this, I just made an appointment to get a back facial for the following day. My aesthetician and I decided that in order for my back to remain as clear as possible, I should get one at the turn of every season (for times a year). I totally dig it too because she is able to safely make extractions, deep cleanse my back and treat any acne scars with products that, because I’m not a professional, I can’t get my hands on. Yeah, unless your skin is absolutely flawless, never go into the season of backless dresses and bikinis without a back facial, please.
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7. Apply a Blend of Aloe Vera, Tea Tree Oil and Propolis to Breakouts
During the summer season, you’re going to sweat more which means that your chances of having pimples are probably going to increase. If you do notice a zit or two, DO NOT PICK AT IT. Instead, apply a blend of Aloe vera, tea tree oil and propolis directly on it/them. Aloe vera is good for breakouts because it contains antibacterial properties that help to heal pimples at a faster pace.
Tea tree oil is one of the greatest things at getting rid of pimples because its potent antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties can help to reduce the size of zits, seemingly overnight (no joke!). And propolis? It’s a substance that comes from bees that also fights inflammation while boosting collagen production, so that your acne marks can fade quicker. You can get your hands on some propolis in royal jelly form here and in extract form here.
8. Keep Your Hair Off of Your Back (and Shoulders)
Summer is definitely the season to see how low you can go when it comes to brains and twists (check out “If Spring & Summer Are Your Favorite Braid Seasons, Here's How To Make Them Last” and “This Is Your Summertime Protective Style Cheat Sheet”). Just remember that always wearing your hair down can cause your back and shoulders to sweat; plus, whatever is in your hair, it’s going to transfer to your skin which could also lead to breakouts.
Moral to the story here: Ponytails and pineapples as much as possible are a wise move. You’ll still be cute and your skin will be “hair burden free” in the process.
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9. Put on Some Shimmering Body Oil and/or Bronzing Serum
For the most part, I really like bronzer. The only thing that gets on my nerves about it is the fact that certain brands can rub off onto your clothing (or other people’s) and that is a real headache. The solution? Shimmering body oil or bronzing serum because those tend to be lighter, they don’t transfer as much and they create a soft glow that is really natural-looking. One that I like to use on my face is Physicians Formula Butter Glow Bronzing Serum; for my body, XIFEPFR Body Shimmer Oil (in Bronze Gold).
10. Try Some Broccoli Seed Oil At Night
The (main) reason why it’s so important to incorporate a (consistent) nighttime skincare routine is because your skin rejuvenates itself while you are sleeping; especially as it relates to skin cell renewal, improving the texture and quality of your skin and slowing down aging signs. And when it comes to an oil that is great for your skin as you’re catching some zzz’s, your “something new” for the day just might be broccoli seed oil.
It’s a non-greasy, deeply penetrating, highly moisturizing oil that is filled with fatty acids; can soothe razor bumps; is able to protect your skin from damaging UV rays; can serve as an all-natural alternative to retinol (due to its high concentration of vitamin A), and, as a bonus, it’s great for your nails and cuticles too. It ain’t the cheapest oil yet it is gaining traction for becoming one of the most holistically beneficial; especially when it comes to beauty benefits.
Photo by 11. Sleep on Bamboo Sheets (and Wash Them Weekly)
Please tell me that you wash your bedding on a weekly basis. If you don’t, here is your friendly reminder that you shed a whopping 600,000 dead skin cells on a daily basis and so you absolutely should. And when it comes to bedding that is best during the summer months, consider going with bamboo sheets. They’re a super breathable fabric that’s soft, durable and also pretty good for the environment. Your skin will especially like them because they’re the kind of sheets that have a solid reputation for being naturally hypoallergenic, antibacterial and antimicrobial.
12. Drink Lots of Water
Your skin relies on water to keep it in supreme condition. Water hydrates. Water detoxifies. Water makes it easier for your skin to receive the nutrients that it needs. So, make sure to drink as much of it as possible this summer — even if it’s infused water or sparkling water with some lemon or lime in it. The more hydrated you are on the inside, the more moisturized your skin will look and feel on the outside — which is just what you need your skin to look like all summer season long!
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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