Yes, I Have An Eating Disorder & Yes, I’m Fat
There are a million movements aimed towards normalizing heavier women, yet everywhere I turn, there is a reminder of how much bigger I am than everyone else.
And while I've always been larger, it's never been like this.
I want to love myself the way that these naked big bellied women on Instagram do, but I don't believe I'm larger because of how I was made. Instead, I believe I have an addiction to eating that is unhealthy. As a result, I don't feel good physically, regardless of what anyone thinks I look like.
Friends, family, lovers, and especially children don't understand the emotional and mental impact they can have on you when it comes to their comments or suggestions regarding what you look like- even outside of weight.
I've lied to myself for too long about being content with my size, and don't get me wrong, there isn't anything that my size has prevented me from doing necessarily. I have options. People would pay to watch me eat cupcakes online. Cupcakes are great.
I'm joking of course. In 2018 though, I have made a commitment to myself in all aspects of life with my health falling towards the forefront. This means addressing what has been causing me to be overweight for so long.
When people initially think of an eating disorder, they think of someone small and fragile who doesn't eat much or vomits their food. Nobody really acknowledges the other end of the spectrum, which is incredibly scary because the National Eating Disorder Organization has labeled binge eating as a severe and life-threatening eating disorder.
It's not really a taboo subject, it's more so just closeted. Literally. I prefer to eat alone. I eat passed the feeling of being full and find myself in need of time to recuperate from meals because I feel sick. I order more than I know I need everywhere I go, every single time. I go back for seconds and thirds.
If not already, I wish I was alone so I could eat more. I can eat until I am immobilized temporarily.
Consequently, my body has become a reflection of this.
I don't know exactly when this all started. One of my most common binges is pasta and I do know it was my grandmother's favorite thing to cook and eat with me and my brothers at dinner. We would all get pasta bowls topped off with tons of parmesan and could probably clear a pound each during a Disney movie.
So maybe it started off as a loving, bonding habit but it definitely didn't stay that way.
At the beginning of my twenties, especially in my first place alone...I remember I cried a lot when I would eat. I haven't done that in quite some time because I've learned how to zone out when I find myself binging these days.
In my earlier years, when my mother started locking certain foods up, I started hoarding them. Even worse, I found myself craving them so intensely that when I had the opportunity to eat something unhealthy, I went H.A.M.
I think everybody has self-destructive habits and demons they are fighting off for whatever reason. Mine just happens to be something that I have to physically carry around.
I try to explain to friends what it feels like to have no control, but nobody really gets it. Everyone thinks it's just a matter of self-control.
I'm not lazy - binge eating is legitimately a neurological addiction.
It's a reward system that creates an obsession and craving for certain foods that I'm likely to sit down and indulge in. Logically, it doesn't make sense because I have done this 3-4 times per week, but I always tell myself I'm doing it as a "goodbye" feast. You know, I can have two orders of large fries for breakfast and three bowls of spaghetti for lunch because when I wake up tomorrow, I'm starting over.
The reality though is that the foods I'm inclined to binge are always of low nutritional value and leave me feeling lethargic and unmotivated even well into the next day where I continue to make the same decisions. It's never the last time, it's never "goodbye."
As a mother now, I have a deeper understanding of how things in your childhood can end up affecting you for the rest of your life.
I want to make sure this is something my daughter never has to deal with so I'm going through the motions to heal myself so that she has a healthy relationship with food.
She is only three, so it is important that I make sure she is eating enough, but for the most part, she will stop eating when she is full. I'm not going to force her to finish, or eat things she hates like I had to do growing up.
Outside of staying proactive about not passing on all of my f-cked-up-ness to my seed directly, I've been super adamant about self-healing. Now, binge eating is not something that can be cured overnight. In fact, it involves a wide range of tactics and strategies that vary depending on what level of addiction you find yourself at with any drug.
Yes, food can be a drug, anything you can get addicted to in an unhealthy way can be a drug.
Here are a few things that have helped me navigate through this illness and my constant fight toward recovery:
- Meeting with a therapist. Outside of my personal traumas and lost loves, we work on mindful eating. Not eating in front of the television or computer prevents me from zoning out. Taking breaks in between bites to assess how I feel as I eat helps too - my therapist taught me that!
- Eating regularly. I now even have timers set up that go off, reminding me to eat something every two to three hours. Even the smallest of snacks keep me from feeling so famished that when I do get to a meal, I end up inhaling it.
- Relatability. Reading about other people who struggle with the same issue has been huge for me. It's easy to get caught up in believing that this is an uncommon thing because of how it's done in private accompanied only by guilt and shame.
- Getting it in. If I get any kind of workout in for the day, I'm much more likely to hold myself accountable for what I'm putting inside of my body! Workouts are tough for me, so I usually don't want to feel like I did something that was a waste!
- Keeping it real. I recently started being more transparent with friends about the fact that I even have an eating disorder. Some people still feel like it's something I can easily fix, but having people aware of what's going on with me creates accountability partners and the support I need to stay on track. Not everyone will understand or take it seriously, but those that do make the transparency worthwhile.
- Freedom. Another important factor is not having crazy dietary restrictions. If I want a cookie, I just have a cookie. It is much worse to believe that because I want a cookie I must eat the entire box and start again tomorrow.
All in all, the bottom line is, I might not always have a tomorrow and I want to start living my life full of energy, out loud, and comfortably. There will be slip-ups, and it will continue to be difficult, but I'm excited about challenging myself to really committing to changing myself and improving my health this year!
If you yourself are struggling with any kind of eating disorder, know that there is help for you and someone willing to listen and someone going through the same thing you are. The National Eating Disorder helpline is 800-931-2237 and you can speak with a live chat representative on their website.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Jessica Rose Schrody is a writer and copywriter based in Los Angeles. As a single mother, Jessica has a lot of experience concerning the ups and downs of parenting, with all the challenges it brings, but also all the joys and satisfaction! She set out to create a blog, where she connects with a like-minded audience, sharing her own stories, experiences, tips, insights, and more. You can also find her on IG @thisisjessicarose and Twitter @thisisjessrose.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage