I Didn't Become A Wife Until A Year After I Said "I Do"
What comes to mind when you think of the term "marriage"? For me, I've always thought of forever.
I pictured my parents, who after over 30 years of marriage, have never had an argument in front of me or my siblings, who stuck by each other's side through things that have may broken other marriages, who were there for each other through the deaths of both of their mothers and grandmothers. I think of cooking competitions, and laying in bed on lazy Sundays. I think of pure, simple, happiness.
So, why didn't I feel that in the months, weeks, and days leading up to my marriage? Why wasn't I walking on a cloud of sunshine and rainbows?
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The truth is, in the words of Tamar Braxton, everything was not lingerie and Marvin Gaye in the time leading up to my marriage, or even the beginning of my marriage. My expectations of whatever issues we were facing before we got married suddenly disappearing the moment we said "I do" were obviously never going to happen and the bad habits of mine that I carried from being a girlfriend, to fiancee, to wife were not going anywhere unless I decided to put in the work needed to fix them.
I found myself using the phrases, "Well, as a husband you should..." or "Well, I'm your wife now so..." far too often and felt like I only used the terms "husband" and "wife" to lay out my expectations of what I felt wasn't being done that I wanted them to immediately change.
The beautiful enduring terms of "husband", "wife", and "marriage" became a poison I would spew out to in some way gain leverage during a disagreement or to start one.
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It was hard for me to see past what I wanted and take in what he needed in our relationship and marriage. I still found myself holding things from years prior against him and found it hard to let even the simplest offenses go, constantly thinking of what could go wrong, what shouldn't have been going wrong, and the possibility of it going wrong again, as opposed to being happy for all the many things that had continuously went right.
After countless talks, come to Jesus moments, reading (The Four Agreements is amazing if you've never read it) and gut-wrenching, ugly before it became beautiful, simple self-reflection, I was able to start becoming the person, the woman, the wife I've always wanted to be.
Though yes, I was married a year ago, I honestly did not embody what I felt a wife should be nor the person I would have wanted to marry until quite recently.
Neither one of us are perfect in our relationship or marriage, and like most married millennials, are simply trying to figure things out day by day. I can truthfully say I'm in a much better space than I was in last year and am constantly growing to be better.
Now, just a few weeks after our one year anniversary of saying "I do," I can acknowledge how much I've grown, how little I knew, and how arrogant I was to assume just because we had dated for so long that marriage would be a cake walk.
I was lucky enough to marry my best friend, and while most nights feel like an adult sleepover, we still have our hurdles, preconceived notions, and mirrors through which we've been groomed since childhood to see the world, that we are forever breaking and creating anew.
If you too struggled within the first year of your marriage, know that everything gets better but only if you let it. Remember to never base your relationship or marriage on any other couple and acknowledge that all you can do is your best in this game we call life. At least, that's what I'm learning.
Related Stories:
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I Had to Lose My Husband & My Religion to Truly Find God - Read More
Why I No Longer Entertain The Type Of Men My Body Shape Attracts - Read More
I'm Afraid Of Marriage - Read More
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com
Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes vegetarian, writer and spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. keep up with her @ashleyreneepoet on Twitter & Instagram.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage