I don't know about y'all, but when I was around the seventh grade and the subject of guys having wet dreams (with the technical term for it being "nocturnal emissions") came up in class, pretty much all I recall being told is it starts happening around puberty. Kind of like how a girl starts her period, once a young man hits a certain stage in his adolescence, it's not uncommon for him to wake up with sperm/semen on his sheets. Since he can't control it, you might want to steer clear of his bedding (you know, if the young man is related to you). That was basically it. Over and out. So, since I'm not a man, I didn't really give the topic too much more thought beyond that.
Matter of fact, if I'm going to be completely honest, up until a couple of weeks ago, I still never cared to do much more research on the matter. For better or for worse, I've never had an—eh hem—run in with wet-dreamed-sheets, so there was no real reason to ponder the issue. That is until, while I was doing some research on another matter entirely, I noticed a health-related article that spoke on the fact that women can have wet dreams too. Whaaa? Now, you've got my attention.
What You May or May Not Already Know About Wet Dreams
Just so you can process this without immediately thinking about your little brother or even your son, let me start by saying that there is another term that is used for wet dreams; one that I never even considered before. What is it? Sleep orgasms. Yep. When a guy has a wet dream, he's pretty much partaking in an orgasm that transpires in the midst of having a dream—oftentimes it's erotic but it doesn't always have to be—of some sort. The reason why it's associated so much with males and puberty is because that is typically around the time when young men begin to have sexually-related fantasies (when they're asleep and when they're awake); however, it definitely should go on record that grown men can experience wet dreams too.
As I did more research on all of this, I also learned that wet dreams do not reduce a guy's sperm count (although it can get some of his "older sperm" out of his system), it won't shrink his penis, and it does not negatively affect a person's immune system in any way. One more thing is that it's also quite common for women to have a few wet dreams of their own.
What Is a “Female Wet Dream” All About?
Again, if you look at all of this from the perspective of being a sleep orgasm, the fact that women are able to have a wet dream makes a lot of sense. Typically, they start to happen for us when we're around the age of 21. One study revealed that as much as 40 percent of women have reported having at least one wet dream by the time they reached their 40s. As far as what triggers them for us, a great sex dream oftentimes gets the credit, although some medical professionals say that we are perfectly capable of having one, even if we don't dream at all. How can you know if a wet dream/sleep orgasm has indeed happened to you? Word on the street is that an accelerated heartbeat, combined with more-than-usual vaginal lubrication are two pretty telling indicators. Oh, and if you're wondering if there is a certain "kind" of woman who is far more likely to have them, the answer is "yes". Another study revealed that women who naturally have an open mind and curiosity about sex are likely candidates to cum in their sleep.
I'm thinking that as you're taking all of this in, it's making more and more sense why both men and women can have wet dreams. But if you're like me and you're wondering what causes our bodies to react in this way when we're actually not (at least fully) conscious, I looked that up too.
When we reach a REM state of sleep, our breathing and heart rate naturally accelerates (which is why our body temperate tends to rise in the middle of the night too). When that happens, blow flow increases throughout our system, including to our genital region. Since we're not really able to control our inhibitions like we can whenever we are awake, it's much easier for us to get sexually excited and, as a result, have a full-on orgasm. This is especially the case if you're a woman who often sleeps on your stomach because that increases the chances of experiencing clitoral stimulation.
Now, with all of this on record, let me try and address a few other things that you might be asking yourself.
If you've never had a wet dream before, no, there is nothing wrong with you. Again, around 40 percent of women reported experiencing them. This means 60 percent have not (or at least, they haven't yet).
If you're curious about whether or not sex-related dreams will automatically result in a wet dream, the answer is no. There's no real scientific basis for this, other than, just like you might not always have an orgasm via "awakened sex", the same thing goes for how your mind and body respond/react when you're sleeping.
If you've wondered why you've awakened to feeling like you've had sex—whether you "feel that way" mentally or even physically—but, for some reason, you can't seem to cum when you're conscious, this isn't abnormal either. While there are dozens of reasons why it can be challenging for women to climax, a huge one is overthinking; something that doesn't typically happen when you're catchin' z-z-z's.
If you have wet dreams often and you're actually trying to figure out how to make them stop, good luck. While you can try a mental exercise like consciously thinking about any and everything other than sex before turning in, remember that, since you can have a wet dream, even without a sex dream, there's a good chance that you could have one, regardless of what your thought patterns are.
Oh, and if you've never had a wet dream before and you want to try and experience one, having sex, reading erotic or even sex journaling can get your mind in the mood to do some exploring while you rest.
Welp. There goes one of the things that tripped me out recently. So, the next time the topic of wet dreams comes up, just remember that it's not "boy's talk". Women have them too. They are natural. They are beneficial (just like any orgasm is). And, they are definitely a perk that comes with sleeping. Sweet dreams, sis.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Using the same material from the interior of the Volvo EX90, Hudson crafted a wool-blend car coat and waistbelt that combine the vehicle’s Scandinavian design with his signature tailoring and intention. The exclusive collection launched on October 20, and each piece is made-to-order by Sergio Hudson Collections.
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In October, I traveled to Charleston with a group of journalists to get a firsthand look at Hudson and Volvo’s location. During a fitting, Hudson said his goal is to make “great work that can stand the test of time.”
“People can look back on and say, ‘I remember when Sergio did that collaboration with Volvo,’” he continued. “Thinking about aligning yourself with classic brands that speak to where you want to go. And I think that's what this collaboration kind of means to me and my business.”
Hudson pinpoints his mom as the biggest influence for his designs. This collaboration was no different.
“This particular coat reminded me of the swing coats that my mom used to wear in the early 90s. You know, diva girls in the early 90s had Sandra suits,” he said, referring to Jackée Harry’s character in 227. “My mom wore those and she would have these matching swing coats to go over them. And that's where the initial idea came. This would be around the same time that we had our Volvo. So she would put on her suit, her swing coat, get in that red Volvo, and go to church.”
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With this capsule and beyond, Hudson wants to see more staples rotating in and out of closets this fall. He advises fashionistas to build her closet out with essentials to mix and match that aren’t just stylish but also sustainable.
“It's just those special pieces,” he said. “You can wear the same shirt and pants every day and nobody will notice. But if you have a special boot, a special coat, a special bill, a special bag, that kind of speaks to everything that your style stands about, that is something you should focus on.”
These are the same kind of staple pieces that return to our Pinterest boards and TikTok feeds season after season. Fast fashion has never been Hudson’s aim. “I'm trying to create a special pieces that can stand the test of time,” he said in his warm, Southern accent. “I'm only creating those kind of pieces from here on out.”
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For Hudson, this collaboration is revolutionary. It’s his first time working with a car company and experimenting outside of his wheelhouse in this way.
“This is a Scandinavian brand, and, you know, it's 70 years old. I'm an African-American boy from South Carolina that has had a brand for 10 years. So I think bridging those two worlds and seeing the similarities was the beauty of this project,” he explained.
Though Hudson and his partner and CEO of Sergio Hudson Collections Inga Beckham have made massive strides in just 10 years, Hudson said the industry is far from where he wants to see it when it comes to Black representation. He pointed to how few Black designers were at this year’s Met Gala despite the theme being Black dandyism.
“The fact that I dressed 18 people speaks to how many of us weren't there,” he said. He implored more of industries, fashion and beyond, to collaborate with Black designers often.
“Allow mentorship. Allow funding. Allow great design to shine through,” he implored. “When it comes to being a designer of African descent, when you can't get the funding that your counterparts have, you can't compete. When you get opportunities like doing a collaboration with Volvo, or you get opportunities to be at the Met Gala, that's putting us on the equal playing field, but really the funding behind it is what we need to take it to that desk level.”
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