The Problem With Allowing Your Friends To Be Your Side Chicks

My side chicks would comfort me, calm me, and soothe me in ways that only they could. Hell, sometimes they even composed my responses...


I’ve never had a truly monogamous relationship.

Infidelity always enters the relationship I'm in, no matter how wonderful the man in my life is. Of course, things always started out well between us, but despite how well things would go or how much I wanted to remain faithful to our commitment to one another, I couldn’t resist keeping someone on the side.

Sometimes, it was more than one someone.

I never kept my infidelity a secret. I was brazen about who I was and how I functioned in relationships. My partners had to accept that they wouldn’t be the only one. And they often did and were compliant to my needs.

I’d turn to my side piece any time things got hard in my relationship.

They always knew every detail of the highs and lows between me and my main.

My side chicks would comfort me, calm me, and soothe me in ways that only they could. Hell, sometimes they even composed my responses during heated arguments with my partner.

It wouldn’t matter which side piece I chose, they all served one purpose: My self-gratification in ways my partner didn’t fulfill.

My side pieces were inextricable from my relationships. The boyfriends could usually deal with them for awhile. After all, most men fantasize about having a girl who got a girlfriend. But when they’d get tired of the competition, and they always did, I’d simply run back to her. She was always willing and ready to take me back. She never held me accountable, always being sure to rest the blame for the failure of another relationship squarely on the shoulders of my latest ex instead of where they really belonged.

If not them, I had her. I always did. She was more important to keep than any of those relationships. Yet, despite that blind loyalty to one another, I still found myself lonely and unfulfilled.

That “she” that I’m referring to is my inner circle, my best friends, my family.

"She" is everyone to whom I turn in times of distress and the mistress of every romantic relationship I’ve ever had.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with seeking advice from your circle but, as a woman, it can be easy to treat that luxury like a crutch. I have been guilty of being an extremist. While I’m fairly decisive in other aspects of my life, I relied heavily on my circle when making choices about my relationship.

If we argued, I sought the opinion of my circle about which of us was right.

If he angered me, I’d give my circle every lurid detail so that we could revel in the anger together.

All conversations, tape recorded in the annals of my mind only to be regurgitated for the circle so that we could analyze every part of it for hidden meaning. I allowed them to become secondary to what was supposed to be a primarily monogamous relationship and it decimated every one that I had.

When we over-involve our circle in our relationship, we keep ourselves from becoming self sufficient in emotional intimacy.

Instead of trusting our own gut feelings, we turn to our circle to reassure us. Eventually those confiding moments turn into them deciding for us. Then their opinion of us takes precedence over our self-perception. Your circle is there to assert your best interest and defense so, their views and opinions will always be biased in your favor.

Your inner circle never forget or forgive the transgressions of your partners, and will continue to remind you of them each time you seek them out for advice.

Even worse, when you get in the habit of involving your friends in every detail of your personal business, you will end up developing a deeper emotional intimacy with your circle than with your own partner. They will become so deeply involved in the relationship that you will end up being nothing more than the puppet at the end of their marionette strings.

No relationship can sustain without trust, be it trusting your partner or trusting yourself.

[Tweet "Your intuition doesn’t need a vetting process by a full committee."]

The next time you and your man argue, consider using those moments to reflect on what was said and talk to each other. Cut the side pieces out and focus on giving your full self in love.

Let's make a promise:

Ashes to ashes, dust to side chicks.

- Danyelle,

Have you always been “faithful” in your relationship and to the relationship processes or are you always counting on the opinions of your inner circle to tell you how you feel? What are the pros and cons of both choices? Share with us below :)

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