Amina & Tara Are Proof That Love Triangles Are A Losing Game
I haven’t delved into Love & Hip-Hop in quite a while, but in catching up on VH1’s latest reunion, I see nothing has changed. Cardi B is notably the fave on the show, her presence garnering think pieces on feminism, being unapologetic about the skin you’re in, and the past you’ve lived, but the storyline that gets the most attention are the love triangles, particularly between Tara Wallace, Amina Pankey and Peter Gunz.
We love a relationship that’s salacious and far from anything we’d possibly put ourselves in. The failures in someone else’s union makes for good TV, weeks of entertainment and harsh criticism. But it’s unfortunate that after three straight seasons, nothing or no one has evolved from the unhealthy relationships rooted in a rapper and his poor choices. The inception of their situation on the show resulted in pointed fingers and the labeling of “victims,” but if the pattern continues and history repeats itself, should we refocus our attention to other sources? Instead of saying Peter is solely to blame for the chaos he’s caused his family, is it possible to say the two women involved have also greatly contributed to the mess we witness on television? Joe Budden certainly thinks so.
Some of y’all are victims of piece of shit men…… Some of y’all volunteer….. The 2 shouldn’t share in empathy.
— Joe Budden (@JoeBudden) March 22, 2016
Nothing changes if nothing changes… Sounds so simple. — Joe Budden (@JoeBudden) March 22, 2016
The former Love & Hip-Hop star weighed in on Twitter after part one of Monday’s reunion, offering his two cents about the three way affair–an area the rapper has quite a bit of familiarity with. As tweets poured in from viewers who dragged Peter for his interminable desire to be with both his wife and ex simultaneously without a care in the world, Joe questioned why all the fault fell on the man. Letting it be known that he was in no way defending Peter, the rapper let off a series of tweets that implied that Tara and Amina were content with their situation because of the re-occurring incidents. Without going in depth behind his thoughts, Joe did drop some gems that left many questioning the worth of the women--the ones who tolerate the tomfoolery, yet, cry and fight about it later.
When ppl show u who they really are, believe them…… What’s not to get here ?
— Joe Budden (@JoeBudden) March 22, 2016
Admittedly, Joe had a point. When Tara and Amina first appeared on the show, I will admit that Peter’s lack of respect, his incessant need to have his cake and eat it too, and live a double life while straddling the fence left a sour taste in my mouth, leading me to empathize with both women. Tara cried about another woman playing the third wheel and every Monday night, I silently shamed Amina. In the season that would subsequently follow, Tara would go back for what she felt was rightfully hers in hopes of bringing her family together again–even if Peter made the decision to “move on” and marry someone else.
Related: Is the Stigma of Abortion Worse For Married Moms?
And as episodes progressed, Amina and Tara left me wondering if they respected themselves for putting up with the emotional turmoil and justifying Peter’s behavior. They made excuses as to why they permitted the back and forth: “I’ve been with him for over 10 years.” “Well, we’re married.” “But I have his children,” so on and so forth. After two seasons, I realized that the problem between the women wasn’t about who had Peter first and who “took” him away. The issue was who had one up on the other, who was the main chick, and who had to revert to the struggles of side piece live on national television. No man or woman wants that title.
Earlier this year, the xoTeam spoke on infidelity and how we’ve come to live in a world where the cheating ways of men are normalized. Entertainment Editor, Soraya, spoke on the realization of a thin line between women fighting to be the ‘main’ one versus the ‘only’ one.
“I think some girls think that a man having another chick is expected and accepted, and as a result, succumb to just wanting to be the ‘main.’”
It’s a fitting statement that mirrors that of Peter, Amina, and Tara’s situation, with the women bickering over personal history instead of looking at Peter’s past with women in general.
Related: This Man’s Response To Women Giving Men “Cheating Passes” Is Everything
During the first part of the union, Amina made sure she added insult to injury by letting it be known she–not Tara–would be the last one to have children by Peter. It seems to be a competition between the two, with both failing to understand the losing game they’re playing. Amina took to Instagram to address her public announcement that she was with child again after opting to terminate her pregnancy months earlier. While a myriad of side eyes could come out of her caption, she did make a valid point in regards to locking down your partner.
For years in my twenties, I’ve realized the validity in Joe Budden’s tweets, in observing people who thought they can change someone in the name of love. I, for one, had a moment at 22, 23 when I thought that a baby would change the dynamics of my relationship for the better. My naïvety led to a rude awakening when that baby led to long nights, little money, and lots of arguments. I have girlfriends that believe a ring, a piece of paper and a Mrs. at the beginning of their name means everything would be smooth sailing now and forevermore. But if a person wants to change, they will, with or without your stamp of approval.
[Tweet "If a person wants to change, they will, with or without your stamp of approval."]
Although Peter acknowledges that he has a problem, the women that feed into his sexual desires by giving into what he wants only contribute to the complacency. Why would he feel compelled to change when the women are still there–available and willing to rationalize his toxic actions in hopes of being the one that ultimately gets him in the end?
Pete been Pete for 3 years now… I’m lost lol
— Joe Budden (@JoeBudden) March 22, 2016
3 years & 3 reunions he’s said verbatim “IM SICK, I HAVE A PROBLEM, THIS IS WHO I AM”.. https://t.co/QrvLOsjNa7 — Joe Budden (@JoeBudden) March 22, 2016
It is unfortunate that these women–these mothers–are putting their health at risk by willingly engaging in unprotected sex and exhibiting unsound decision making before their children’s eyes. With Amina already the mother to a daughter and Tara the mother to three sons, what examples are they setting about healthy choices in love? Surely we don’t all make the wisest decisions when it comes to relationships, but when you consent to continuing a dangerous cycle, you’ve normalized the problem. When it comes down to fighting over a man, stress wins, egos are stroked, pride gets in the way, and the initial issue is never really settled. In fact, it’s expanding the problem even further. Peter wins, while both are stuck in a lose/lose situation.
As women, we need to do better and stop aspiring to compete with the next person to look better. I love how Cardi B stood up for both woman, but what hurts is that the two women involved can’t seem to step their own standards and their self-love up. Maybe Joe Budden was right; maybe they’re aren’t be taken advantage of. They’re well aware and need to take accountability for their own actions. They still have that much power.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
Courtesy
I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
Courtesy
That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
Courtesy
So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
Courtesy
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy