Brian J. White has been a consistent face in so many of our favorite series and films. I still remember his character's crazy but sexy relationship with Olivia Pope on Scandal. And who can forget him repping the Theta's in the college classic Stomp the Yard
Well, today, he's gearing up for the release of a new one, Ambitions (which makes its premiere Tuesday, June 18 on OWN). The story digs into how far people will go to make their desires come true, even when it endangers their relationships and more. Brian has a juicy storyline playing Atlanta Mayor Evan Lancaster, who is very dedicated to his own aspirations. But in real life, the 46-year-old is a successful happily married family man with a passionate perspective on ambition and relationships.
In our chat, we discussed his views on career-focused women, marriage, and advice for singles and serious couples alike.
In your own words, what makes an individual ambitious?
I don't think ambition is connected to achievement, I think it's a desire or want. Every person on earth has ambitions but not many achieve them because of what it takes. Ambitions explores what's required. It portrays those that achieve it, those that struggle with it, and everything in between.
What do you think about the theory that people should be with someone who matches them, in reference to achievements, finances, education, and etc?
I think that's a misuse of the word, "matches them" could be exchanged for "suits." Some people think if they're a doctor they should be with a doctor, or if they're a lawyer they should be with a lawyer. They want someone "on their level" and I think that's why a lot of people aren't in the right relationships. They've put boxes on a potential prospect that could fulfill them based off on what they think their soulmate should be. Get rid of the boxes. The tighter they are, the less likely you are to meet the actual fit for you. Our partners are complements of us; they're not mirrors. If you're meeting someone you can already conceptualize, they're adding nothing to your life.
Courtesy of Brian J. White
"Get rid of the boxes. The tighter they are, the less likely you are to meet the actual fit for you. Our partners are complements of us; they're not mirrors."
When you met your wife, were there characteristics you were looking for, or personality traits you felt suited you?
I was not looking at all, and she had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and didn't want to date either. My dad always told me, "Wait until you just can't stay away from someone. Never go looking for a relationship when you're a young and successful man. Wait until someone comes and derails you off the path." When I met my wife, I kept hearing his voice saying, "This is the one." So, I started changing my life to prepare and be everything I felt she deserved in a partner. What was most attractive about my wife was that she wasn't interested in me. She was a corporate woman who was very into her career, and I was a little actor guy (laughs). We just became best friends first and everything fell into place.
With her being so career-focused, do you think her ambition was part of the attraction?
Absolutely. I have five younger sisters who all have their degrees. They are five black, beautiful, strong, and educated women. When I was at Dartmouth, one of the things the women were proud about and would openly discuss was that they didn't have to necessarily use their degree. They would go to Dartmouth and then law school and knew they could make millions or become President, but also desired marriage and family. I saw that in my wife, she didn't need to be in the position she's in, she wanted to be. That was very attractive to me. Also, that she wasn't looking to date. I met her at my home. I was living with a female housemate (separate floors) and she simply came over to visit one day for dinner, we met casually.
Interesting, so when women exude that they’re looking to date, is that a turn-off?
For me, yes. I think a woman's most attractive state is when she's doing her thing. You see her pride, beauty, elegance, and everything. It might be a lunch break from her business or art job. That's when she's most powerful. When you're at the club for example, it's like an African Serengeti, everything is a target and you're out there with a gun. Any of those typical situations, like dating apps, you're assuming no emotional connection. Unless your true goal is only physical, the best place to meet people is in their natural life. Like when I met Paula, I was at home.
Courtesy of Brian J. White
"I think a woman's most attractive state is when she's doing her thing. You see her pride, beauty, elegance, and everything. That's when she's most powerful."
How did you know she was the one?
My Dad passed last year, and I included this story in his eulogy. He used to have these sayings, two-word sayings. One was, "you'll know." Well, Paula and I had been dating a few years and it was going well. We had talked about long-term but hadn't got to marriage. Anyway, one day we were sleeping and suddenly, I'm awakened to this booming voice of my dad saying, "Jodi (he used to call me Jodi), you'll know."
I’m a sap, so I’m loving this. But I must ask, what were some of the hardships and struggles you two went through?
Travel and separation for sure. The first time I worked with Boris and Nicole they taught me about the two-week rule. What makes couples not work is distance. You're not familiar with each other and you end up starting the dating process over and over again rather than furthering it. So, my wife and I ended up with the 10-day rule for most of my career, and we've maintained it. We almost always travel as a family.
If you could give a piece of advice to couples looking to make the step toward marriage, what would it be?
Well, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. It's a partnership and a contract. Make sure you know about each other's health, debt, and credit issues. What do you each own? Do you want kids, what religion are you raising them? Are you both social? Do you like to smoke weed and drink whiskey, your partner may need to know that. Long-term, all these things matter. And you must talk about all of it before you get married.
You can catch Brian J. White starring in Will Packer's Ambitions coming June 18 to the OWN Network.
For even more of him, follow him on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Brian J. White
RELATED
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images
