What Michelle Obama Taught Us About Becoming More Than Just Somebody's Wife
Whenever our forever First Lady Michelle Obama speaks, we listen…but if you're like me, then you pack a journal and take notes. This is exactly what I did recently when I attended Michelle Obama's "#IAmBecoming" tour in Atlanta.
I -- along with my mother and more than 20,000 people "dressed to the nines" -- pressed our way into the arena like we were on a mission to go see the Queen (which, for many of us, she basically is our Queen). The energy was electrifying from the time we arrived until the time she exited the stage and even as we departed and headed back to our designated cars. We were so excited just to get a picture next to her life-size posters and banners that were strategically placed throughout the arena.
Related: Michelle Obama Says If You're Looking For A Barack, Try Not Looking So Hard
Often times, we refer to or classify her marriage to President Barack Obama as "#RelationshipGoals" or "#BlackLove" – something that she is very much aware of. For many of us, they provide hope; an awe-inspiring example and vision of love for those who aspire to experience something like that. While Michelle is humbled and appreciative of the titles associated with her and Barack, she candidly acknowledged that love and marriage is hard work no matter who you are.
One thing we love most about Michelle is the fact that we see so much of ourselves in her because of her transparency and authenticity. And this occasion made it even that much more apparent especially when she shared - so eloquently and honestly - some gems and insights about love and marriage.
1.“You don’t have to aspire to just be the wind beneath someone’s wing…Prioritize yourself.”
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It was evident from the beginning – as an adolescent, as a Princeton and Harvard graduate, as an attorney, and even as a First Lady - that Michelle Obama believed and was committed to her personal belief that, "it's up to me to establish and define my voice." She's more than Barack Obama's wife, more than a First Lady, more than a mother, more than a daughter…she is becoming the woman she was destined to be.
During the event, Michelle revealed that at a certain season in her life, she realized that she had made everyone else a priority except for herself. She went on to share how even though she struggled with it as a wife, a mother, and career woman, "Barack had no problem with making himself a priority." He did what he wanted to do.
She, like many of us as women, realized that she needed to do the same - focus on making herself, and her self-care, a priority. As she's mentioned before, "We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our to-do list." Nevertheless, she became more committed to doing things that she enjoyed as well.
Like Michelle, we too must realize that our "happiness isn't predicated on our spouse making us happy." Instead, we find happiness in the simple pleasures of life and by doing what we love, instead of expecting others to do what we aren't willing to do for ourselves.
2.“When it comes to our partners, we aren’t just reviewing their stats, but their story and their soul.”
"Barack was different for me…He made me stop and think about things." Instead of merely going through life and checking off her list, Michelle was challenged to think deeper about why she was doing what she was doing versus just checking off a list of accomplishments.
Finding the love of your life is more than just what's on paper: where did they go to school, how much money do they make, what is their social status, etc. Nevertheless, it's more about what lies beneath the surface. It's the difference between love versus lust, and romance versus intimacy. It's knowing that the other person feeds our soul more than they drain us; they help us more than they hinder us; they treat us differently and better than those who came before them.
3.“Relationships have different seasons and different chapters.”
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None of us will truly understand the peaks and valleys of being married to the President of the United States. However, anyone who has been in a relationship or has been married long enough knows that you will have ups and downs. Michelle reminded us that the "test of a marriage comes when you build things together."
So, whether we're building the relationship, bridging the two backgrounds, or building a family, we're going to have obstacles. At the end of the day, we have to be more committed to fighting for each other than against each other.
4.You can’t just “fix” someone.
It's no secret that Michelle has been open about her and Barack going to marriage counseling. During the tour, she openly shared how initially she "took Barack to counseling to fix him." Nonetheless, to her surprise, the counselor's attention soon shifted from Barack to Michelle…something she wasn't necessarily expecting. Hence, it was evident that their marriage issues weren't going to resolve if she, too, wasn't able to look within herself as well.
Obviously, we can't force anyone to change – including our spouses. Nevertheless, we can't become so obsessed with trying to better someone else that we miss the opportunity to better ourselves. Both spouses have to be willing and committed to doing the "self-work."
5.“You can’t expect your spouse to do for you what you know they won’t do.”
When Michelle described their marriage counseling, she also admitted: "I wanted him (Barack) to do for me what he wasn't going to do." The reality, however, was that Barack was doing what she already knew he would do.
So often, we expect people to do or be something different from who we already know them to be. Part of learning to truly love someone else is learning to love them for who they truly are. Real love allows you to be your real self.
6.“Don’t sit in isolation with your problems.”
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Although Michelle was referring to younger couples as well as young mothers, this tip applies to so many areas and challenges of our lives including: love, relationships, mental health, illnesses, and simply living life as a black woman.
Whether you're a woman and a mother, a wife, a girlfriend, a sister…Michelle reminded us that "we are not alone…that's why it's important to surround yourself with wisdom. We owe it to our young people to be better." No more acting like we have a perfect life, and allowing others to believe that what they're going through is uncommon. Often times, just knowing that we're not alone in our journey, and especially our struggles, can be quite comforting and can often lead us on a path towards healing.
As Michelle said, we have to "believe in the validity of who we are and have the courage to share our stories." It benefits no one when we act like we have the perfect marriage, the perfect career, or the perfect life. The more we're honest about our journey, the more we can help heal each other and encourage other women to do the same.
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
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Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
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Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & More www.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images