#ASKDV: My Man Of 5 Years Hasn't Proposed Yet - Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
I've been in a 5.5 year relationship and my mate hasn't proposed yet. He says it's no rush and that it's always my timing. Should I break up because we aren't on the same page, or should I stay?
When a man is ready to commit, he will commit. It's probably the best piece of advice my mom could have ever given me as a woman. Did I listen right away? Of course not. Was she right? Absolutely. But like most women, I was convinced that I had what it took to make a man settle down.
I had the looks, I was educated, successful, and owned my own shit but no matter how great I thought I was, when a man wasn't ready to settle down, he just wasn't ready.
When I first read your question, I completely related to you.
Every woman wants a happily ever after and if you're a woman who doesn't, it is probably because you are in denial and masking your disappointments in love as a rejection to the idea of love itself. So trust me, I get it. Unfortunately, I have to agree with your boyfriend and say there is no rush. If your boyfriend isn't ready to be a husband, don't try to force him. When a man is ready to commit to marriage, he will prove it to you once he decides he wants to spend his life with you.
So many of my clients have chosen to give their men ultimatums and ultimatums rarely work, especially with a man because you cannot change anyone (including your man).
However, it is really important that you are very clear about what your expectations are and not waiver on them.
When I first started dating my husband, I was a single mother and I told him immediately that I was an all or nothing kind of chick and I meant it. Any decision your boyfriend makes out of desperation of losing you is likely only going to be temporary and when you sign up for marriage, you are signing up for "death til us part." When you pledge your life to someone for forever, just remember that forever is a really long time in comparison to the 5.5 years the two of you have been together.
The real lesson for you is to ask yourself, are you doing all of the things that you think a wife should be doing?
These things include but are not limited to the following:
Do You Live Together?
I have an unpopular opinion about cohabiting with your significant other before marriage so if you two are living together, I suggest you consider moving out. Your boyfriend doesn't get to enjoy the benefits of having a wife until he puts a ring on it and living together is one of those benefits.
Do You Perform Wife Duties?
There is no need to cook every meal for him, keep his house clean, do his laundry, take care of his business, tend to his mother's needs, and play stepmom to any children that he may already have. If he's asking you to do these things, consider renegotiating this mess you've gotten yourself into. Let him understand the difference between having a girlfriend versus having a wife. If you start to pull back, he will feel it and likely immediately step up.
Do You Share Expenses?
Once again, you should not be allowing any man to depend on you in any capacity until the day you say "I do" and even then, I have my thoughts. I once had a girlfriend who gave her man access to her bank account and one day, he took every penny from her and never looked back. Don't be that girl.
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, it's time for you to fall back and perhaps that includes falling back in love with yourself because sometimes we forget to love ourselves above anyone else and that includes the man you are in love with. I believe that we are all single until we are married and I do not care how long you have been in a committed relationship.
If you answered "no" to all of these questions, just be patient. Your time will come and rushing it will only put more stress on you and your partner.
xo,
Your Favorite Valentine
Featured image by Shutterstock
Diann Valentine is a Love & Relationship Expert, Television Personality, Creative Innovator, Intrepid Traveler, and the host of Bravo TV's To Rome For Love. Follow her across all social media platforms @diannvalentine and check out her latest book 'Going The Distance For Love' available now!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage