How To Fight Fair In Your Relationship
I used to think fighting in a relationship meant the end of that relationship.
I had only certain perspectives of what relationships were: what they looked like when they worked and what they looked like when they didn't. Movies and television shows showed me cookie-cutter couples who had midnight strolls on the beach, liked each other all the time, and had one climactic fight that would eventually lead to a brief will they or won't they five minutes, acting like the penultimate moments before the happy ending conclusion.
My childhood, and even some of my adulthood, showed me arguments meant unhappiness, a mixed match, a divorce. It was a very unfair depiction of relationships, too black and white with not much room for the shades of gray that often act as the true nature of relationships.
Arguments happen in relationships and, unlike what my previous beliefs held as truth, they can honestly make the relationship as much as it can break it. I used to think never having a fight was the road to a happy home, but that was until I realized that disagreeing is not unhealthy in a relationship. You're bound to disagree and you're bound to have arguments, it's just important to streamline them with certain rules that prevent them from wreaking havoc on the overall quality of the relationship.
You have to learn to fight fair with your partner. Below are some ways to keep arguments from being the premature end to your relationship.
1. Change the goal of your fight.
As someone who defines herself as compassionate, I pride myself in being able to feel vibes from a person, even if they aren't voicing aloud how they feel. That is a beautiful gift in my opinion, but in the past, it's been something that I've wielded into a weapon to hurt and destroy when I'm angry about something. My goal during a fight used to be, “I'm going to hurt you as much as you're unintentionally hurting me". That's the wrong way to look at anything and is very counterproductive when trying to push the relationship into a better place.
Instead of looking at the fight or disagreement as a place where you need to automatically defend yourself, take a breath, pause for a beat, and listen to see if your partner has any validity in their points. Remember that you love this person and they love you, so de-escalate the fight by finding something you agree with in what your partner is saying to you. Vocalizing that you see what they see by saying, “Okay, you have a point when you say this…" is far more productive than saying something negative or derogatory just because you might not agree with the entire statement.
2. Take ownership of your shit.
A lot of the time, arguments or disagreements happen because you've swept issues underneath the rug for so long that a molehill becomes a mountain. Anyone could tell you that a mountain is always going to be a lot harder to climb once it's towering in front of you and over you. Something that he or she did might have rubbed you the wrong way or perhaps touch on an insecurity of yours that caused you to react in a jealous or defensive way once the situation comes about and presents itself again.
What you rationalize as a situation or an occurrence that's always hit a soft spot for you, your partner sees crazy because they can't see where any of it is coming from. To avoid this, talk to each other with appreciation and respect to begin the conversation on a positive note and this can be done by asking if it's a good time to have a talk and then own your issue. “I have a problem with…"
I've learned personally that this is a great way to voice insecurities in a way that allows your partner to give input in a judgment-free zone as opposed to throwing it onto them in the heat of anger and making them feel responsible. By owning my negative feelings and stopping them from becoming something angry and heated, I open the floor to communication and him being able to walk with me to a place of comfort and understanding. So always use “I" statements to reflect ownership, never say “you".
3. Have a clear focus during the fight.
When I wasn't fighting the right way, my partner and I fought about every grievance we ever had with one another in one fight, lasting for an hour or so sometimes. It would escalate and then de-escalate and because our communication suffered whenever the conversation went sour, I viewed arguments as the period of time where I'd bring up times over the course of the couple of years where I felt disrespected and forgave him for, times he was late somewhere, times he annoyed me like no other – things that had no room in the argument – especially the things that had been deemed forgiven.
An argument is not the point in time where you talk about everything that has ever bothered you about your partner or every wrong they've ever did from date number one to the present day. Talk about what is relevant to the issue you have at the time and save the delayed confrontations about money, in-laws, coming home late, lack of date nights, etc for the time and place that they've come about organically. If your issue with him or her is about canceling plans with you last minute, focus the fight on that, how them not showing up makes you feel, and how that feeling of disappointment can be avoided in the future. Keep it at that and stop at that.
4. Take a break from the fight you're having.
This is something else my partner taught me in our past arguments. When things get too heated, he needs to walk away. Initially, my abandonment issues made me view that as him walking away from me and leaving me and I internalized and sulked. One day, though, while talking outside of an argument, he asked me, “Well how is my telling you, 'I need to take a walk' and then going to take that walk different from you getting quiet when we argue?" I didn't even think about that until then. I had my way of recoiling in myself to calm myself down and that was to stop talking and to think about what was happening. And he had his. Neither of our actions were rude or dismissive, it was simply our way of taking a break from what was happening and regrouping.
Truth be told, when an argument isn't going well and either party seems more concerned with making their points instead of seeking to understand, nothing gets solved and the argument often escalates more so than it de-escalates. Instead of saying something hurtful due to frustration, take a break from the argument and come back when one or both of you can be receptive to what is being said.
When it comes to being in a relationship, fighting will never be a never, but it can be cut down drastically and the intensity of it can be significantly reduced by incorporating a lot of the aforementioned pointers. Arguments are not a time to hurt or disrespect your partner. Be receptive, be respectful, and refrain from blame.
What are some methods you use to fight fair with your partner? What did it take to get your communication over that hurdle? Share with me below!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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