Gabrielle Union Says She Used To Date Light Skin Guys To Validate Her Worth
As a woman of a darker hue, I've always wondered why it always seemed less likely for me to be the object of certain men's affection and desire. Was it because I'm not thick with curves? Do I not fulfill the modelesque stature idealized by some guys because I'm barely 5'3"? But ever since I can remember, the back of my mind always screamed, "It's because you're dark-skinned."
Now, don't get me wrong, I love the skin I am in, but for a long time, it bothered me to think that I am placed outside of the dating pools of many men that, ironically, have the same complexion as me. Was it because of my own comfort in my skin color or is it something much deeper than that?
Recently, Gabrielle Union joined Ashley Graham on her podcast Pretty Big Deal with Ashley Graham. The two discussed everything from colorism, raising young black boys in today's world, and the concept of the code-switch.
The 45-year-old actress is consistently an open book when it comes to her life, and this time she opened up about her past experiences with learning to love her own dark skin and the effect it might have had on her own dark-skinned stepsons. Gabrielle mentions the fact that her boys and their friends may or may not have a subconscious preference for women who are of a lighter complexion. They recently had a much-needed conversation about the girls they chose to follow on Instagram and whether or not when they inevitably see girls that are the same complexion as they are, are they able to see their beauty in them and, in turn, within themselves. She says:
"We have to go a little deeper. What is it about your skin that you can't see a girl your skin color and see the beauty in her? Do you see the beauty when you look in the mirror? Because for me, I feel like you're projecting feelings you have about yourself onto these young women, in erasing them, and ignoring them, and not seeing their beauty."
In the conversation, Gabrielle also addressed a point in her life where she only dated light skin men as if it were a badge of honor to gain their affection. Presumably, her lack of confidence in her own skin needed to be pumped up by the affection of a man who might not normally date a woman darker than he was. Her inability to self-validate in her youth served as a catalyst to discuss with her stepsons the importance of seeing beauty in themselves and everyone else around them. She reveals:
"I somehow thought I was more visible and real and valid and worthwhile if a light skin boy found me attractive. Like it was somehow negating my darkness, and in the reverse, what is it about what you see in yourself that makes you erase these young women. I want you to be able to see that women are beautiful in every shade, shape, race, ethnicity, religion – along the spectrum there is beauty. And right now, I'm seeing a very, very, very narrow scope of beauty."
It's no secret that Gabrielle Union is an awesome bonus mom to her husband Dwyane Wade's sons. During their discussion, the L.A.'s Finest star goes into more detail about her very real fear surrounding the boys' safety in an increasingly volatile world, why their privilege doesn't translate when they are outside of the confines of their home, and what she is teaching them about interacting with authority figures in traditionally white spaces. She says:
"It's terrifying… it's terrifying. Once they're old enough to move around without being physically tethered to you, you just hope they come back. You know all the obstacles they could face in any given day. You know how their skin has been demonized and criminalized and weaponized, especially in Florida. Any one of my neighbors can kill my kid and get away with it and say, 'I was afraid.' That alone is terrifying...
"...there's a certain level of privilege and entitlement that they've been raised with – but that won't matter. You don't walk around with your parents' credit scores and their bank accounts on your forehead. You are just occupying space in a black body in traditionally white spaces. You cannot respond to authority figures, police officers, our neighbors' security officers, teachers in the same way your friends can. And it's that proximity to whiter or lighter privilege that they can see that is infuriating to them."
Ashley then asks her how are they raising their sons to be strong black men. Gabrielle acknowledges that while she is still trying to figure it out, she also wants them to never shrink themselves to please anyone else while doing whatever it is they need to do to return to their family safely if confronted by an aggressive encounter with an authority figure.
"That is the question, right? I haven't figured it out. What we do, which is part of what makes me fearful, is 'You are a strong, proud, beautiful, intelligent, world global citizen. Stand in that knowledge. Be proud of that. Own that space. Don't shrink for anybody.' But in the same breath, when you are in the presence of the police, if acting subservient will bring you home, you do whatever it takes to come home and then you let me whoop somebody's ass."
In her book We're Going To Need More Wine, Gabrielle discusses growing up in a very white world in which she feared others seeing and recognizing her blackness. This feeling transitioned when she used to visit with her grandmother's side of the family and being framed by her own family as "white". This combination led to real identity issues that took her many years to overcome.
Ashley posed the question of what she would she tell young Black girls struggling with similar feelings of not being good enough or too black or not black enough. She reveals:
"It's a journey to worthy, right? … I tell people first and foremost, 'Baby, you are worthy from birth. You are worthy as a thought. You are worthy as a zygote. So, as you move through the world, do not be afraid of taking up space. Do not be afraid of living your most authentic life. I get code-switching because I do it all the time, but you don't have to. Whatever your authentic voice is, that's what you ride with. You don't have to switch it up to be something to everyone because you will end up being nothing to you."
In addition to feeling the need to code-switch, as Black women, we also have to contend with the perception of perfection. What does it mean to be the "ideal" Black person? Who came up with this equation in the first place? To me, there is no measure to what a "real" Black person has to be. For others, people are ready to quantify your Blackness based on a list of things that would be highly impossible to adhere to at all times. For Gabrielle, regardless of your level of blackness, you are worthy and your journey is real. She tells Ashley:
"The other day I was talking about the performance of perfection. And we have this idea of what a 'perfect' black person is, and white folks have this idea of what a perfect black person is, which is usually a mute or somebody that amplifies white supremacy – that centers white supremacy. And I have been that person. And in my own community, this idea that you have to be the wokest, dopest, most natural-hair-wearing-est, most fully evolved, educated formed person at all times – it's impossible because we're all on this journey. And no matter where you are on that journey, you are a dope person, you are a worthy person, and who you are as a black person wherever you are on that journey is real and valid. However, you sound, that's okay too."
Colorism is a real thing that seeps into nearly every aspect of our culture, whether we like it or not. The truth is, without the proper amount of self-love, anyone can become susceptible to "only dating light skin" people, improper and unjustified run-ins with authority figures, fears of not being "black enough", and a host of other nuances that permeate our society. Until everyone is able to see the value in every person that walks this earth, we will forever be on an uphill battle.
It is important that as a community, we continue to promote love for all colors and hues, and uplift every young person enough to know and recognize the beauty reflecting back at them from the mirror. Maybe I am optimistic, but self-love and the promotion of diversity is an important step in overcoming the scourge that is colorism and racism.
To watch the entire podcast, click here.
Featured image by Sean Zanni/Getty Images
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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