Ask Ayana Iman: I Want To Be More Fluid With My Sexuality
Ask Ayana Iman is a weekly advice column where real women anonymously submit their questions about work, life, and love. In response, a certified life coach drops some much-needed gems. Check out this week's segment below.
I've been in two bad relationships with men in my adult life... the second being a marriage. I've always been put off being with women (one woman in particular) because I felt like deep in my heart, only a man can fulfill my needs and wants in a life partner. I'm starting to think that I've been so wrong; not just because of the hurt I've been through, but the energy and chemistry I miss from women. I want to know: after three children and two serious commitments with men, would it be hypocritical to date women exclusively? I'm not ready for anything now, but when I heal and decide to move forward, I don't want to limit my heart again.
You are grown; therefore, you have the freedom to date whomever you please. The pain you're experiencing can make you question the validity of previous relationships. Regardless of gender, you must make sure you're dating for the right reasons.
Is it hypocritical to date women exclusively as a mom of three? No. Is it hypocritical to date women exclusively because you were hurt? In my opinion: yes.
Previously, you felt only a man could fulfill your needs and now it seems you are making a decision based on pain, suggesting only then did women become qualified candidates. It's important that you understand how this could be problematic for future love interests. No one wants to feel like they're a rebound.
The resentment from your two relationships must be addressed so you aren't creating toxic situations. You say you don't want to limit your heart again but that is exactly what you're doing by restricting yourself to one gender. I know you have chemistry with women. Does this mean your feelings towards men have stopped? That's something you must clarify to reduce confusion with your emotional and physical attractions in the past.
The LGBTQIA community is inclusive but there is no pressure to claim a fixed sexual orientation. Sexual fluidity is not the same as bisexuality. Sexual preferences are not set in stone and can change over time, often depending on the immediate situation the individual is in. The Conversation shared the following:
Most people would say they have a sexual orientation. But the degree to which a person is sexually fluid is a separate variable that operates alongside sexual orientation. Some people are highly fluid, while others are less so.
Sexual fluidity can occur in people who are definitively heterosexual or homosexual, but simply experience a change in their sexual response. For example, you may have a preference for a more feminine type of person, but then discover someone who pushes your buttons in a new and exciting way. You may still prefer partners of the same gender with the same feminine leanings as before, but with more masculine features.
Bisexuality is defined as the romantic or sexual attraction to other people who identify as either male or female ("bi" meaning two genders). If you ask people who identify as straight, but then have sex with someone else of the same gender, this experience does not necessarily make them "bisexual", but it does make them sexually fluid.
Love is love. Just be clear with your intentions.
I agree that you need time to heal because that is most important. You're on the right track. The true path to happiness is finding love within. Let go of the pain you're feeling and replace it with gratitude for the lessons learned as those experiences have made room for your life partner to enter with ease. Once you see fit to date, I suggest talking to your children about love and what that looks like to you. They will adjust to your dating life accordingly.
Do you have a question about love, life, career, wellness, etc. that you'd like for life coach Ayana to answer in a future Ask Ayana Iman segment? Submit your questions here for a chance to have your question answered! Click here for past Ask Ayana Iman posts to see if your question has already been answered or to read past stories/advice!
Featured image by Getty Images.
Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
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VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
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III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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