passion
K-I-S-S-I-N-G was supposed to lead to love, then marriage, and then a baby carriage. And though that clearly isn't how that works, I think we can all remember learning how to French kiss being sort of a big deal in adolescence. Still. It's one of those things that you don't forget. Truly, my first kiss is still the source of my anxiety when it comes to the most basic tongue action that we'll ever discuss as adults: French kissing. I was in eighth grade and the boy who I had been pining over for all of the fall semester was finally mine. It was after school in the hall as he was on his way to basketball practice when he leaned in for a kiss. I quickly called attention to the fact that I didn't know how to kiss in an awkward outburst. He ran off laughing and told the entire locker room.
To this day, I'm not all that certain I'm the best kisser, though I hopefully hope no one has me on their list of worst kissers. Much like when Hitch instructed Kevin to stick with a two-step in the 2005 eponymously named film, I coach myself to stick with the one-two step of tonguing. I let our tongues wrestle just a little and then when I'm not certain what comes next, I suck and bite a little lip. However, I'm certain that French kissing can be far more intricate than this.
Thankfully, I know my strengths and weaknesses well enough to know that I had to use a lifeline for this one. I got in touch with Tyomi Morgan, ACS Pleasure Coach and certified Sexologist to pick her brain. Better yet on a few, much-needed pointers to achieve the much desired accolade of most improved French kisser.
You'll be happy to find that she delivered, here's what was said.
Kissing With Tongue: How To French Kiss, According To An Expert
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Like I said, I'm not the best kisser so it always feels super awkward right down to not really understanding where my tongue should be and when it should be there. Morgan says, "The dance that tongues do during French kissing really depends on the people who are in the act. One partner may have a more dominant approach while the other is more passive. There are situations where both partners are dominant in how they approach the French kiss which could lead to awkwardness...it's all about creating a balance that allows the kissing to flow effortlessly."
The Pleasure Coach adds, "One partner secedes to the other and allows the other to lead. Then, roles can be reversed allowing the submissive partner to take the lead.
"Tongues can do a lot of different things in the French kiss. Partners can touch tongue tips or circle each other's tips while the tongues are poked out. One partner can suck on the other's tongue while it pokes in and out, or tongues can rub up against each other with the upper side caressing the underside of the other. Tongues can chase each other inside of their mouths, embrace like sword fighting or rub up against the inner lips. The tip of the tongue can also be used to flick or trace the lips as well.
"Tongues are always moving in a French kiss — how they move is determined by the messages they want to convey to each other."
This actually provides relief in understanding not only what I'm "supposed" to do but also knowing why many of my kisses have probably been so awkward. In always feeling compelled to do something, and absolutely anything, I will dominate the kiss without offering space for my partners to do so. I do this to fill the "silence" so to speak and pose as if I know what I'm doing. When in actuality, the key is to let it flow!
Know That The Tongue Is A Muscle & Work It Like One
black and white love GIFGiphyIf practice makes perfect, then how exactly can we apply that logic to kissing? Me, personally, I visualize that scene from Superstar where ol' girl is making out with the tree. But Morgan recommends working out. Yes, you read that absolutely right! "The tongue is a muscle and must be worked out just like any other muscle in the body. Flabby tongues don't maneuver as well as strong ones, and don't have as much control.
"Strengthening the tongue is the first thing to do to gain control over the tongue's ability to deliver pleasurable strokes. The techniques found in the book, Blow Him Away by Marcy Michaels contains several tongue strengthening exercises that are easy to perform on a daily basis. Using the tongue to eat treats from cups like applesauce, pudding, jello or even frozen desserts are great ways to practice using the tongue as well. Licking food from spoons also helps."
As someone who will lick anything out of a cup rather than waste spoons, my tongue might be better off than I anticipated. And as far as technique? Well, watch and learn! Not me, of course. "Watching videos of people French kissing goes a long way in providing examples of how to move tongues when in a French kiss."
If you've already mastered the French kiss, the Glam Erotica founder gives us some additional tips that will help add to the sensuality of your French kisses:
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1. Keep it Slow and Steady
As my supervisor says "this is a marathon not a race" and thus it makes sense that Morgan suggests being mindful of our breath when we're kissing. "Breathing plays a big part in French kissing, as the noses are close together and the mouth is in action.
"Slowing down the breath and exhaling gently through the mouth is a technique that can help with connection and controlling the pace of kissing. Letting out sighs of ecstasy and moans of enjoyment can also heighten the experience and communicate your desire for more to a partner."
2. Touch and Go
Additionally, "Using your hands to grab, caress or rub on other erogenous zones while locking lips and tongues is an easy way to heighten arousal and take things up a notch. Rinsing the mouth before kissing or popping a piece of gum or a breath mint will go a long way."
3. Food-play for Foreplay
Big bonus game? Make your kisses edible. Yes. Expert Tyomi Morgan suggests integrating some food to up the kinky on your kisses.
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So, while I was out here doing my usually online perusing, I noticed an article that basically explored if the key to great sex was love or passion. If you paid attention to the title of this article, you already know what their findings were. Yep, according to the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (and the 92 couples who participated in the study), it would appear that passion—not love—is the main ingredient if you want truly fulfilling sex. Interesting.
Passion and Desire Go Hand-in-Hand
Processing this got me to thinking about two things. First, I thought about the couples that I work with. Something that about 90 percent of the ones who are unhappy with their relationship have in common is their sex life either sucks or has started to tank. Peep that I didn't say they don't love each other anymore. What I said was the sex isn't all that good. So, out the gate, maybe the study has a strong point—if you love someone but the sex isn't all that great (or all that great anymore), could the solution simply be that it needs more passion in it?
Now before we go deeper, please hear me all the way out on this. I'll be the first person to say that sex shouldn't be used as an automatic "fix it" for relationship problems. More times than not, if a couple solely depends on coitus in order to work through their issues, all they're really doing is putting a Band-Aid on a deeply infected wound (which is why I wrote "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). Nothing good really comes from that long-term.
At the same time, this does bring me to my second point. The couples I know who have a very fulfilling and consistent sex life tend to have three things in common—good communication, a healthy sexual appetite and a deep desire to please their partner. Not just sexually either. They tend to be on the tip that actor DeWanda Wise and her husband are on. DeWanda once said in an interview that the key to satisfaction in her marriage is:
"It's like self-love for two. And that's how I think about it every day. Anything that I would like, do for myself, there's one other human being that I have to make like, another serving for, know what I mean?"
She and her husband then used making coffee as an example. If they make some for themselves, they try to make a point to make a little extra for their partner. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a great representation of not only love for your partner but respect too. But remember, the study said that passion is what makes sex great; not love. So, why in the world would passion trump love?
Again, remember what I said I found to be the three keys to great sex in a relationship are— good communication, a healthy sexual appetite and a deep desire to please their partner. It's like a trinity (three things working as one), if you will. While a lot of couples spend a lot of time making sure that their communication is on-point, I don't think nearly enough are intentional about making sure that their sexual appetite and desire for their partner are nurtured as well.
Far too many people are out here just kind of winging it when it comes to their libido (if they feel like it, they'll consider having sex; if they only feel like it every once in a while, so be it), and I can't tell you the last time a couple I worked with has used the word "desire" to describe how they feel about their spouse. Desire is a huge essential to a great sex life, though.
What Desire Looks Like
When you desire someone, it means that you not only want them; you crave them. To crave something, you eagerly desire it, you long for it, you need it in the healthiest way possible. Hmph. I don't know about you, but I think it's kind of sad that a lot of us have no problem with vocalizing and then giving in to a craving for some chocolate ice cream, but we think it's weird and/or unnecessary to do the same things when it comes to the one who we're in a relationship with. And that is why, after thinking all of this through, I'd have to agree with the findings in the study. While love may be one of the motivators for sex, if you want off-the-charts sex? Desire has to be there. And the more desire, the better.
So, how do you know if you are lacking in the passion department of your own relationship? Here are some questions to ask yourself and/or discuss with your partner after work today.
When's the last time:
- You initiated sex?
- You and your partner had a quickie?
- You and your partner had sex outside of your bedroom?
- You and your partner tried something new in the sex department?
- You and your partner met up in the middle of the day solely for sex?
- You planned a sexcation?
- You told your partner just how much you desire them?
- You sent a dirty text or photo?
- You went lingerie shopping?
- You extended foreplay?
- You learned a new oral sex trick?
- You DIY a flavored massage oil or lubricant?
- You tested out an atypical erogenous zone?
- You fulfilled a fantasy?
If you are even a little attracted to your partner and your libido has even a little bit of a spark, I would think it'd be pretty difficult to read those questions and not get all hot 'n bothered. And that's kind of my point. If I asked questions like, "When's the last time you spoke your partner's love language?" or "When's the last time the two of you went out on a romantic date?", that doesn't really trigger erotic feelings. But oftentimes, when couples are trying to figure out how to ramp up their sex life, it's those types of queries that are made. Passion isn't given nearly the voice—or credit—that it deserves.
Passion isn't just sexual desire; it's strong sexual desire. Passion isn't interest in a person; it's full-on lust. Lust is intense. Lust is enthusiastic. Lust is uncontrollable. If there are two people who feel intensely about each other, are enthusiastic about being together and can't seem to control their urges towards one another, how could the sex not be totally off the chain?
Sometimes, we make things so much more complex than they have to be. If your sex life is not currently as mind-blowing as you'd like, before doing anything else, ask yourself how the passion is in your relationship. Ask yourself if the desire is strong and if you and your truly partner crave one another.
The key to great sex ain't always about a new sex position or trick. Sometimes it's about getting back to the basics. One of which is hot, sweaty, can't-keep-your-hands-off-of-each-other passion. Whew.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Incompatible Spouse
What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
If You're In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
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"There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It's why you were born. And how you become most truly alive."—Oprah Winfrey
OK, I'm just speaking for myself when I say this, but when I reflect back on my own college experience, I think the worse thing a parent can do is make—and by that, I mean basically force—their child to enroll into a college/university when they are only 17 or 18 years of age. The reason why I say that is because when I graduated from high school at the age of 17, I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. And college? A big part of what it helps you to do is prepare for your career, which hopefully ties in very well to your life's purpose.
For a lot of young people, it would be better for them to get a full-time job, join AmeriCorps, teach overseas—do something that gives them some time to mature and figure out a few things before thousands of dollars gets shelled out on what ends up being a PhD in life rather than in education.
The chick I am now? I would go to college and get all A's easily. That's because I currently know what my purpose is. And oh, how life is so much more fulfilling, exciting, and even easier when we know what we were sent here to do and we're actually doing it.
Not to say that life doesn't come with its challenges from time to time, but I can confidently say that the most miserable people I know are the ones who either don't know what their purpose is or they put other things before their purpose.
How can you know what category you fall into? If you're living out your purpose, these first five points will fully resonate:
5 Signs You're Living In Your Purpose
1. You Feel a Profound Spiritual Connection to a Higher Power
Growing up, one of my favorite shows was Family Ties (it's still got one of my favorite theme songs of all time—"sha-na-na-nah"). Like a lot of little girls, regardless of ethnicity, Michael J. Fox was a crush of mine. Oh, but it wasn't until he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease that he and his wife (someone who actually played his girlfriend on the show) became heroes of mine. I remember watching him on a 20/20 interview years ago. When the interviewer asked him if he was bitter about having the disease, he casually said, "I'm honored that God would entrust me with it."
Although he made quite a mark as an entertainer, Michael has changed lives and affected legislature since he's had Parkinson's. And there's no way he could be so in tune with himself that he'd be grateful for having such a debilitating disease without having some sort of connection to the Most High. That's why I'm totally with him when he says, "I believe purpose is something for which one is responsible; it's not just divinely assigned."
One way to know that you are living in your purpose is there is a profound sense of spirituality that's attached to it. Not only that but you somehow feel disconnected to that Source when you're not doing what you know you were put on this earth to do.
2. You’re Creating More Than You’re Copying or Duplicating
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One of my absolute favorite t-shirts (that you can cop here) simply says, "Created by the Creator to Create." That spiritual connection that I spoke of? One of the things that it does for people who are tapped into their purpose is it shows them how to be truly and authentically creative. Creative people are productive. Creative people are risk-takers. Creative people are originators. Creative people blaze trails more than they follow them. Creative people are the ones who come up with ideas that can't really be compared to anything else. That's because they'd rather create their own blueprint than mimic someone else's.
If you're out here coming up with plans and concepts that folks are calling clever, ingenious, and visionary; if you spend more time praying, meditating, and seeking within than copying or duplicating what folks have already done, this is another pretty telling sign that you're operating within your purpose.
3. Your Natural-Born Gifts Are Being Used
I once heard a pretty good explanation for the difference between our gifts and our talents. Gifts are what come naturally to us; they are the things that we do exceedingly well without a lot of effort on our parts. Talents, on the other hand, are things that we're pretty good at, but we still have to be some extra work in.
My brother? He has a gift for singing. It's like he eats and sleeps it. Me? Folks close to me know that I also can hold a tune, but I consider mine to be a talent. Oh, but put a laptop in front of me and sometimes I'm typing out 8,000-10,000 words a day. It comes very naturally to me to do that. My mother says that when I was a toddler, my favorite thing to do was shake newspaper. For my brother, on the other hand, it was banging on pots and pans. Hmph. Makes sense.
A friend of mine (who is an award-winning producer and a gifted singer in his own right) gives this advice on gifts vs. talents. "If you put all of your effort into doing what you do average, you'll become OK at it. But if you put that into what you are already great at, you become unstoppable. Supernatural, even."
No doubt about it—if you're utilizing your gifts, DAILY, this is another indication that you are working within your purpose.
4. You Are Benefiting Others
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This is a good one. A writer and minister by the name of Frederick Buechner once said, "Purpose is the place where your deep gladness meets the world's needs." Purpose, by definition, means the reason why we exist. None of us created ourselves, so it's very selfish to use our gifts and abilities purely for personal gain (I'll get more into that in just a sec).
Just think about it. Some of the most profound figures in our earth's history (Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. immediately come to mind) are individuals who used what they had and who they were to help and benefit others.
If you can immediately list 3-5 ways how what you're doing with your life is making the lives of others better, feel good about yourself. It's one more clue that you are living within your purpose.
5. Your Good Days Far Outweigh the Bad
I am not the richest person on the planet. I have trials and tribulations just like everyone else. But guess what? I love my life. I really do! I can't remember the last time I woke up, thought about what was on my to-do list and wanted to stay in bed rather than tackle those things head on.
A big part of this is because I know—that I know, that I know—that I am doing just what I was created to do. When you have that kind of clarity, confidence, and self-awareness, you can't help but feel good about yourself and what only you can do, in your own special way, while being on this planet.
So, now that we've touched on how to know if you're living out your purpose, what are some red flags that you're not?
3 Signs You're Not Living In Your Purpose
1. Money or Fame Is Your Sole Motivator
There are a lot of people out here—almost to the point of it being an epidemic—where, if you tried to figure out how they got rich (in an honorable way) or what they are famous for (that's worth any merit), you tend to draw a blank. Far too much of society is consumed with being wealthy and having fame. It doesn't really matter how they do it, so long as they do. There's a word for that; it's a mercenary. A mercenary is someone who does something solely for money or some type of reward.
There's nothing wrong with making money. We need it to live. Fame is cool, so long as your fame is influencing people for the better (some of the folks making money off of YouTube alone blow my mind when it comes to what they are doing with their platform…it ain't good).
But individuals who are truly living out their purpose, money, and fame doesn't motivate them. Growth does. Helping others does. Feeling a sense of accomplishment that they can be proud of today and when they take their last breath does.
In the pursuit of purpose, it's always a good idea to do a random gut-check to see what is inspiring you to do the things that you do. It reveals a lot.
2. You Can’t Explain Your Purpose in Three Words/Phrases
Something I'm a firm believer of is you should be able to explain your purpose in three words or three (short) phrases; otherwise, you probably don't know. Me? Sex, marriage and the Sabbath are my lanes. They all tie in together because they are covenant principles (my first name speaks to having a covenant with God in Hebrew too). If there are any things that I can never get enough of when it comes to researching, writing and speaking on, it's these topics.
When you know something down in the deepest depths of your being, you don't need a lot of words to explain it. This is what I believe about purpose. That said, if someone were to walk up to your right now and ask, "What's your life's purpose?" could you break it down in three words or phrases? If not…why not?
3. You Constantly Feel Incomplete
A Canadian writer by the name of Oriah once said, "It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dream of meeting your heart's longing." Amen.
Sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I am irritated. Sometimes, walking in my purpose is literally a faith journey. But when it comes to fulfilling my purpose, if there's one thing that I never feel, it's incomplete.
This is my final "please take note" indicator that you may not be living within your own purpose. When you're doing what you were sent here to do, no matter how hard life gets sometimes, you still feel an unexplainable sense of wholeness and inner peace. How could you not? You're living out the reason for your existence; nothing is more powerful or reassuring than that.
Even if you've got a high-paying job or you're currently doing something that you constantly get praised for, if deep down, you don't feel whole and complete…don't ignore that tug at your spirit. It's a sign that you're either not fully or not at all living out your purpose.
Stop, reflect and find it. As soon as possible. Because the world certainly needs you functioning in your purpose. After all, that's the main reason why you're here.
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