You know, no matter how sexually in sync you and your partner may be, there are going to be times when things are a little “off.” For the sake of your intimacy and ultimately your relationship, here are some tips for how to properly and effectively manage those moments…so that you both are ultimately fulfilled when it comes to your sex life.
ALWAYS Implement the Golden Rule
GiphySexual hypocrisy. Indeed, it is a very real thing. How so? I mean, there are actually a billion-and-one different examples that I could provide. Today, though, let’s focus on how some people are completely insensitive towards their partner whenever they aren’t in the mood — oh, but let their partner be tired when they want to get some lovin’ and suddenly…somebody must be cheating behind their back or something because no one in their right mind would turn an opportunity to be with them down. Oh, the ego and gaslighting. SMDH.
It really is wild — and yes, very hypocritical — to think that your partner should be ready to go whenever you feel like it and, if he isn’t, something must be up. Listen, just like you can adore him and not feel up to it sometimes, he can absolutely feel the same way. And that’s why it’s so important to bring the Golden Rule into your boudoir — you know, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Meaning, if you don’t want to feel totally rejected or undesirable whenever you initiate sex, and he’s not wanting to at the moment, make sure to use kind words and soft energy when you are telling him that you’re not quite up to it, too. Y’all, I have been working with couples long enough to know that oftentimes, what hurts a man’s feelings (and even bruises his ego a bit) isn’t that his partner isn’t always in the mood for sex — it’s the mean and/or flippant and/or insensitive way that she conveys it: pushing him off, acting irritated, mumbling about that being all that he wants all of the time, etc.
Imagine if your man talked to you like that. Yeah, exactly. Golden Rule. Every time, please.
Use “Wait” More than “No”
GiphySpeaking of gaslighting — want an example of supreme gaslighting when it comes to sex in a long-term relationship? Expecting your partner to remain faithful when you are barely ever having sex with them. Hmph. Try and give pushback if you want to, yet even the Bible says that husbands and wives give Satan room within their union when they deprive one another of sexual intimacy (I Corinthians 7:5).
Deprive. What a purposeful word for Scripture to use because it means “to remove or withhold something from the enjoyment or possession of (a person or persons)” — and when you’re in a relationship with someone who you truly care about and have made the decision to share intimacy with…why would you intentionally want to remove or withhold enjoyment from them? And definitely, why would you want to do that and then expect them to be okay with it for weeks or months on end? What in the world is going on?
Again, no human is a sex robot (I can’t even believe that those are becoming actual things these days — SMDH), and so you shouldn’t be expected to turn on and off like a light switch. At the same time, though, sex — especially in a long-term relationship — is a staple in a relationship. And so, it’s far kinder and more beneficial to use the word “wait” — and then provide a ballpark figure for how long — rather than simply saying “no” all of the time.
Because one, how long do you expect someone to feel close to you if you are constantly rejecting them, and two, being unfaithful isn’t just about having sex with someone else; it’s also about not having sex with the individual with whom you agreed to have sex with. 10 toes down on that one, sis.
Figure Out if the Act Is About It, Him, You or Y’all
GiphyOkay, but what if the issue has little to do with the act of sex overall and it’s more about something that he wants to do that you don’t? Yeah, that can get a bit dicey and so my first recommendation would be for you to do a bit of sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) to figure out if the request is about not being interested in the act itself, if it’s about you not wanting to share that experience with him or if there is something going on within the relationship that (currently) doesn’t make you feel comfortable enough to even seriously consider it.
For instance, say that you’ve got a partner who wants you to swallow (yeah…that: “Umm...Wanna Learn How To Swallow? Try These 10 Hacks.”). Although it’s not your favorite thing on the planet to do, your hesitation isn’t so much him wanting it (because he technically swallows when it comes to you — a lot of women need to remember that) as you’ve had some unpleasant experiences in the past whether it was how a guy’s sperm tasted, him holding your head down to the point where it felt like you either couldn’t breathe or you were low-key choking or you had a gag reflex that damn near traumatized you. Do you see that if you get to the root of what your “cause for pause” is all about, that can help you to work through it?
I promise you that a good man and a great lover isn’t going to want you doing things ONLY to make him happy. He will want to work through the “speedbumps” with you — just as you should be willing to with him if there is something that you want that he is not initially enthusiastic about. So yeah, figure out your backstory and then move on to my next point.
Discuss WHY You Don’t Want to Do Certain Things (Yet)
GiphyIf you were having sex alone, you would be masturbating. My point? If you are down to allow someone to put a body part of theirs into yours — you absolutely shouldn’t second-guess sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings about why certain sexual acts may bother you, and/or intimidate you, and/or disinterest you. In fact, communicating areas of vulnerability is one of the surefire ways to establish real emotional intimacy — and the closer that you feel to someone in that way, the easier it is to be intimate with them in other ways.
Not only that, but…watch how your partner responds/reacts to your fears/hesitations/concerns. That will reveal a lot about whether they are someone you can trust taking certain sexual risks with. Yeah, it really can’t be said enough that sometimes not wanting to do certain things has very little to do with sex — and so much more to do with how you (currently) feel about your partner and/or relationship overall.
Find Ways to “Meet in the Middle”
GiphyCompromise. When it comes to this word, a wise person once said, “It is always better to bend a little than to break a beautiful relationship;” another said, “When both partners feel heard and valued, compromises transform from a tug-of-war into a beautiful connection," and yet another said, “Compromise is not about losing. It is about deciding that the other person has just as much right to be happy with the end result as you do” — and geeze, don’t you want your partner to be happy, each and every time they have sex with you? I would certainly think/hope so.
So, when it comes to making sexual compromises — say that your man wants to find a place to have sex in public and the mere thought of a dark alley or public restroom is a hard “no” for you? Okay, is your driveway off limits? How about doing it in a tent in your backyard? Or what if you want to try some BDSM, and he’s not acting as if he’s even a little bit interested? Does that mean you can’t incorporate one or two elements of it, like maybe some Japanese rope bondage (known as Shibari) or perhaps a blindfold and/or some body massage wax (check out “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom”)?
When it comes to sex, it’s important to keep in mind that pleasure has layers — many, many layers — to it. So, if one of you presents a desire that the other isn’t exactly thrilled about, instead of immediately shutting the idea down, “pull some layers back” to see where the two of you can meet in the middle. I promise you that the one who brought it up will really appreciate the effort, and the one who is stepping a bit out of their comfort zone may find out that they enjoyed the idea — or at least an “edited version” of it — more than they (initially) thought that they would.
Always Remember That Sex Isn’t Just About You
GiphySelfish sex. Oh, it exists, alright. It’s the kind of sex where one or both people are solely consumed with what they can get out of the experience while caring very little about their partner’s needs. And you know what? Individuals who get down like that will never be able to enjoy sex, fully, as it was designed and meant to be.
And as I wind all of this up, that is actually some of the beauty about making sexual compromises — it can teach you how to open up, tap into dormant or undiscovered parts of yourself, and it can help you to learn how to care about your partner’s pleasure damn near as much as your own. Because, as I tell (some of) my clients often: When two people get off on getting each other off — that is when you’ve got something really amazing going on.
Something that makes the willingness to compromise…totally well worth it.
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