5 Signs That Your Insecurities Are Ruining Your Relationship

You Are a Snoop

We've all heard it, but I'm not so sure how many of us actually believe it. Along with love and respect, trust is the foundation for any healthy relationship. That said, if you're someone who's prying into your man's life — sneaking to try and get access to his phone, trolling on his social media, etc. — no matter how you try and rationalize it, you don't trust him very much.

If he's given you just cause because he's actually betrayed your trust, then we've got another type of insecurity issue on our hands. Why are you staying with someone who betrayed you? But if you know that you're treating him this way because of how an ex treated you (or worse, because you're not "happy" in a relationship unless you're stirring up sort of drama), that's not his problem, that's yours.

This is the kind of insecurity that is not only going to ultimately cost you your current relationship, it will probably result in you sabotaging more of 'em in the future too.

You’re CONSTANTLY Seeking Out Reassurances

What do you call a best friend who you slept with for a couple of years? Whenever I figure out the proper terminology, I'll start using it to describe this particular guy I'm referring to. Anyway, one day he and I got into a listen-Shellie-you-really-need-to-hear-this-about-yourself conversation. What came out of his mouth was so dope that it needs to be turned into the theme for a women's conference:

"Your biggest issue is the compliments you get should be confirmations not revelations."

Translation — when you're self-confident, you're not eager for some man to tell you how awesome you are. While you certainly appreciate him affirming you, if he never did it again, you'd still feel good about yourself because he'd just be reiterating how you see you.

I know MANY women who've lost a good man because they were always fishing for compliments or because they wanted to be verbally reassured 10 times a day. A good man is too busy becoming a better one to have to tell you how good you look every hour on the hour. If you beg to differ, look again at the reasons why a lot of us have insecurities and see if any of them resonate.

You Bring Your Past into the Present

Remember how one of the causes of insecurities was living in the past? When it comes to relationships, this typically has to do with unforgiving-ness and/or not giving yourself enough time to heal from one relationship before getting into another.

What's a good example of this? If you're on your man's back about things that you know have nothing to do with him and everything to do with an ex of yours, how fair is that? He pushes a call to voicemail while you're together and suddenly he's cheating? He hasn't introduced you to his family yet and that means he's not serious about you? He doesn't know what the silent treatment represents and so he doesn't care? How about he can't read your mind? That makes more sense.

One definition of unforgiving is "not allowing for mistakes, carelessness, or weakness". If you wanted someone perfect, you should've bought a Ken doll and role played with it. Yes, your man is going to make mistakes. Sometimes he's going to be careless too. But however you respond to this reality, make sure it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with some other guy who's causing you to take it out on your guy. Feel me?

You Don’t Respect His Space, Lifestyle or Other Relationships

Recently, I was checking out the Black web series Mind of a Single Male. In one episode (that I hyperlinked), the main character was talking about how irritated he was by a woman to whom he was attracted, liked, and had great sex with, but was wearing out her welcome because she was encroaching all over his space without his permission or blessing (including answering his landline).

I personally know someone in the music industry who is on the brink of calling it quits with his lady due to the fact that she doesn't respect what he does for a living. She probably doesn't look at it that way but if you marry an entertainer, that means long hours, them attending lots of public events and yes, them interacting with the opposite sex — often.

It's disrespectful (and a bit delusional) to expect a man to totally switch up his purpose in life, just because you're "uncomfortable" with it. And it's childish to put him in the position to have to choose between you and the other things he loves just so you can feel more confident in the relationship.

If what I just said made you want to provide nothing but push back, are you sure that abandonment/rejection or lack of confidence aren't affecting — and by that I mean, infecting — you in some way?

A secure woman complements her man's life, not stresses him out for having one.

You Don’t Know How To Live In The Moment

Insecure people tend to be impatient individuals. That's because insecure people tend to have a really difficult time knowing how to relax. They are always so eager to make something happen (heavy emphasis on "make"), that they keep themselves and everyone around them on edge.

How this translates in relationships is they are constantly trying to get onto the next chapter. If they are dating, they want a title in a month. If there is a title, they expect to be proposed to in three months. If they are engaged, they want to get married within six months.

It's not because they are so in love that they want forever to begin as soon as possible. It's that they feel if they don't hurry things along, they could lose it all. Not only is that rooted in abandonment/rejection, but it also prevents them from enjoying being in the moment. What it also does is put unnecessary pressure and stress on their significant other. Ask any man you know how much of a repellant that is.

Insecurity is common. But being complacent in it is unhealthy. If you saw yourself anywhere in this article, the relationship isn't going to heal you. Self-introspection, self-awareness, and self-love will.

Give yourself big doses of the aforementioned and watch how it improves you first, your relationship second — for the better.