Dear Alley,
Do. Not. Quit. On. Yourself.
It's been a whirlwind couple of months and there is much more to learn. Trust yourself to make the right choices and leave fear alone. If you fall, you fall. Just keep getting up. Also, please remember to take note of how much you've grown since March 11, 2016. In this new chapter, you are your own boss; take pride in that.
Keep slaying,
Alley 7.25.16
I write little love letters to myself.
I keep them tucked away in a journal as a reminder that even on those days where there seems to be a black tar cloud following me, I am still enough.
We set incredibly high standards for ourselves. Whether you are an entrepreneur, work a full-time job, are enrolled in school, or simply hustling, we often forget to pour what we put out into the world back into ourselves. We are far better at sending words of encouragement and love to besties but hardly look in the mirror, smile, and relish in our own dopeness.
Taking the time to say it aloud, dance it out, or write it down, that we are amazing without attaching a “but" is important. The world does enough in beating us down, being conscious in uplifting ourselves, without noting what we might think we are missing or lacking, is a simple and effective way to boost our own morale without seeking outside validation.
Setting aside time to do more than post a motivating quote on Instagram is vital to your mental and emotional health. Self-care can be many things:
An uninterrupted solo date to the nail salon,
A walk in the park,
Reading that book you haven't had time to get into.
Whatever your preference may be, try adding love letters to yourself to your self-care routine as well.
Sometimes reading through my previous letters to myself helps push me through a particularly tough day, because I know I've overcome much worst in the past. It's a form of instant self-gratification as I give myself the love and adoration that I give to others so freely throughout my day to day. Self-reflection takes on a new form as a place the pen to paper and make the language I speak to myself more real.
Here are four tips on how to set time aside to reflect and write love letters to yourself:
Dedicate a Monthly Morning
I have a reoccurring date in my calendar that is dedicated to my self-care. On the last Sunday of every month, I take time to intentionally focus on myself. I begin that morning with writing these reflective notes.
Be Direct With Yourself
Writing to yourself might sound silly at first but use this time to have an out-of-body experience and become your own personal cheerleader.
Note Every Obstacle AND Triumph
In being your own cheerleader, wave your pom-poms for every triumph you've accomplished despite the initial challenge or pain felt. This includes the promotion you asked for and/or the toxic relationship you removed out of your life. Reflect and rejoice.
Update Your Goals
These love letters are both reflective and an effective way of tracking your goal progress. Are you neglecting your goals? Have you taken a few steps backwards? Be honest and direct with yourself, write it down, and set actionable steps to achieve that next level you're working towards.
At first, writing letters to yourself feels very weird. You're essentially talking to yourself, but not in a “seek help type of way." These mini letters function as a time of self-reflection and goal setting. Keeping them dated and all together allows you to track how much you've grown and accomplished.
Have you ever taken a moment to write a “Dear Self" letter? How did it make you feel? Share with us below!
Featured image by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
The gym is not bae.
I love the after effects of working out; it gives me energy, starts my day on a high, and honestly sets me up to tackle the day with a boost of strength my grande vanilla latte simply doesn't provide.
But the actual act of getting up and going to the gym fits within the same category of making a dentist appointment--I just don't want to.
Recently, I've attempted to get my behind back in gear to be more active. While I was in college, I had access to a gym right on campus and was on the step team. There was no way I could experience sloth because I was running, jumping, and stepping my way to health.
Post-grad life has allowed me to slip into inactivity and my bank account simply cannot afford lofty classes like boxing. A proud member of my local gym, I'm ashamed to say the only way I walk right around the corner to get in a sweat session is through some Jedi mind tricks.
It takes 30 days to build a habit. So, until I have developed the habitual gym ritual, here are five tricks I've employed to encourage me to get some exercise:
Get a buddy
My nieces are eight and two and as their overprotective aunty, I am a lover of all things buddy system and accountability. If the two-year-old falls, the eight-year-old is accountable for a detailed report as to how this occurred.
The same strategy can work with working out. A buddy can work in two ways, they can be your fellow gym rat sweating with you – which for many make for a more pleasurable gym experience. Or, if you work a crazy schedule like myself, this buddy can act as your gym mom, holding you accountable for the days you slacked off and reminding you of your goals. Just be sure to choose the right person, it's best to work with someone who is equally as invested and needs the same push.
Rack up on workout gear
It's not like I need another excuse to shop, but purchasing some get-fit gear is a fashionable excuse to hit the elliptical. Whether it's purchasing a couple sports bras in your favorite colors, yoga pants that make you feel like squats are life, or dope running sneakers, you have very limited occasions to rock these items and it certainly isn't at your desk.
Try a new class
Like I said, the gym can sometimes give me anxiety. I get bored with the routine and once I'm bored, I completely check out until I feel sloth-like again. To add some spice in my gym routine, I try to incorporate a variety of ways to stay in my tip-top shape.
Whether you incorporate bike riding in the park (snatch up this last wave of good weather), pole dancing with girlfriends, Zumba, or some other inventive workout, a little variety will go a long way.
Create a workout payroll
Recently, my best friend started paying herself after she completed a workout. Dedicating three solid days to #gymlife, she in turn drops a dollar in a jar. The jar is kept in a visible spot in her room so that she can see her progress and act as a reminder that it only gets fed if she puts in some sweat equity.
The best part about this workout payroll is that not only are you sculpting your body, you're giving your savings account some added muscle definition.
Take a selfie
Sweat is sexy. Showing off that hard earned glistening glow is a great way of tracking your progress and getting some positive reinforcement from your followers for logging in those hours.
Fold in another round of selfies to your timeline, you know you want to.
What are some things that you do to motivate you to work out?
Featured image by Giphy
At The Age Of 26, Taraji P. Henson Ran Off To Hollywood With $700 And A Baby, Here's How She Made It
Taraji P. Henson is a force to be reckoned with.
The Washington, DC native has not allowed setbacks to determine her path and has remained firm in her truth to achieve her highest goals.
She's also like the big sister who’s been there, done that, and who you have no choice but to admire. Her path wasn't a traditional route, with her being denied entrance into a performing arts school when she was just 14-years-old. Years later, she pursued Electrical Engineering at North Carolina A&T, but after failing a prerequisite, she decided to pursue her dreams of being an actress, and transferred to Howard University to study Theater and Fine Arts.
An unplanned pregnancy during her junior year could have derailed her goals much further, but Taraji did not let motherhood become an obstacle. She still managed to perform in the school's plays, graduated college, and at the age of 26, she packed up her son and ran off to LA with $700 in her purse. Five years later, she'd see her big break in the John Singleton-directed film, Baby Boy.
Over the next decade, we'd see her in films such as Hustle and Flow, Think Like A Man, No Good Deed, Smokin' Aces and The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, as well as the Fox series Person of Interest.
And then came Empire!
Four months before the show made its debut, she revealed to Ebony Magazine:
“I’m still treated like I’m on the D-list. I’m still being considered with actresses who haven’t done half the stuff I’ve achieved. When people tell me no, I get hyped. Because when I prove that I can and will, I love watching people eat crow."
And here we are two years later! The inspiring mom is in the prime of her career with numerous magazine covers, an Emmy nod under her belt, the lead in a box office hit Hidden Figures, and a Golden Globe Award.
They told me 'If you don't hit by 25, you'll never make it.' I will be 46 this year, I am just touching the surface. I am just getting started.
She is a story of persistence and faith. Most importantly, she is a lesson to us all who are complaining and wallowing that if you earnestly work at your passion, the chips will fall. Simply trust the journey.
Here are five empowering life lessons that young women can employ courtesy of big sister Taraji via an interview with Glamour Magazine:
1) You are the sum of your work and effort, not other people’s opinions.
"We went to Paris and screened the pilot [of Empire] for a thousand people. Lee Daniels [the series’ co-creator] brought me onstage. The audience stood up on their feet and clapped. I cried because, for so long in Hollywood, I’ve been told that black women don’t do well overseas, that they can’t open a film overseas. That moment for me was the best moment of my life. That’s better than any trophy, any award, any nomination. You know how they say music can heal the world? I feel that way about art in general."
2) Trust your journey, avoid looking in the rearview.
"I don’t think about other people. They are not walking in my shoes. They are not paying my bills. What makes me happy is when I do what I like to do, for me."
3) Your obstacles are only as big as the power you give them.
"When I got pregnant in college, people said, 'This is it for her.' But I did not stop. I never missed a class. I was in the school musical when I was six months pregnant—we just made the character pregnant. When I graduated, I carried my son across the stage. I wanted to be an actress; I moved out to L.A. with him. People were like, “Are you crazy, moving to California with your son?” My father was like, 'Leave him home.' I said, 'I can’t leave my son at home.' [And eventually] my father said, 'That’s your baby. That’s your blessing. He’s going to be your strength.' And you know what? He was. I didn’t have time to go to the club to "network.” That’s B.S. No business deals go down at the club. So I didn’t get caught up in that. I had a mission. I had to make my dream come true. If I didn’t, what was I proving to my son?"
4) Avoid Situationships! Develop Relationships with partners who are willing to grow with you
"I’m a mother first. I’m not trying to bring this guy and this guy around. I’m raising my son, and he’s gonna respect women, and that starts with me. [Dating] in the spotlight—I have to consider my son. I don’t want to make it uncomfortable for him when he goes to school with his peers. And I have to answer to my mom too.
[Tweet "I know exactly who I am and exactly what I want. And I don’t want a fan."]
I’m not twenty-something. I’m not trying to find myself—I know exactly who I am and exactly what I want. And I don’t want a fan. I want a man who understands me, who challenges me, who calls me on my sh-t instead of letting me get away with it because I’m supposed to be a star. I want a best friend."
5) Fear is a Jedi mind trick that can cripple you if you aren't careful
"Fear will cripple you, fear will kill you, fear will make you believe you’re not worthy. After 17 years in prison, Cookie feels there is nothing to fear. She made it out alive. In her mind that’s how strong she is. We all have that strength inside us. We just have to choose it."
Do you ever feel a little upset with yourself after spending the money you grind for on yourself?
Well, you're not alone. It's an unfortunate fact, but often times we'd rather put that new lipstick back or think twice about joining our girlfriends on vacation because we simply don't think we deserve it.
Fact: Money is a tool.
It is used to fulfill monetary obligations for services, pay off debts, and living expenses, but it is also a means to an end to enjoy the life we want to live.
We work hard for our money. Real hard. Bills, student loans, and other obligations lock our mental state in fear of constant financial instability. We feel pressure to adopt a scarcity mindset. It doesn't help that the economy is what it is and it's increasingly more difficult for folks to grab jobs – with or without a college degree.
Talking and dreaming about travel can be attainable with the right plan set in motion. It is important to implement financial balance into our lives.
While I'm not advising anyone to go out and blow money fast with every opportunity, I am advocating finding a way to make your money work for you. Beating yourself up after investing in a new wardrobe or booking a flight to someplace new is counterproductive. Remember, you are in charge of your purse strings.
You can include small splurges in your monthly budgeting – that isn't irresponsible, it is actually genius. Set a cap on what you'd like to spend and stick to it. When I vacation with my girlfriends, we have a set cap on what we'd like to spend. Even though we sometimes go a bit over (sometimes it's hard to put a cap on having fun), preparing for those expenses helps with keeping guilt from surfacing and interrupting your treat yo' self moments.
Leave that guilt at the door with these three steps:
Include Fun in Your Budget
Whether you're new or a veteran to budgeting, for those of us who love lists, creating a “fun" fund will make loosening up the purse strings while shopping or booking trips less of a traumatic feat.
Get the Most Bang For All Your Bucks
With a bit of extra work, hunting down deals can become exciting so that you get the most for the money that you spend. Discount codes are hidden in plain sight across the Interwebs, not to mention on sites like Groupon. Deals are a goldmine for vacations, dinners, adventures, and spa services.
Set Caps on Your Fun
While traveling the world, set a cap on how much you can comfortably spend without breaking bank. Consider your expenses and take note of all the excursions you might want to see. With a number in mind, you can comfortably and responsibly spend money without the fear of overdoing it.
There is more to life than paying bills and budgeting. You have an entire full life to live and holding your money close to your chest for a rainy day that might never come is not living fully, it's living in fear.