Why Friendships Should Come With Deal-Breakers Too

Consistent Selfishness

I'm a big giver. I like having that quality. But there have been numerous times when I've realized I'm doing 70-80 percent of the giving in my friendships; not just monetarily but with my time and emotional-investing too. As a friend, when one of my friends are in need, I figure it out. Period.

But what I started to realize is when I needed something, a lot of my friends were unavailable. The few times I would bring up the pattern, they would say things like, "Shellie, if your motive was right, you wouldn't be going tit-for-tat." Whatever. If this friendship was balanced, it would be impossible to do that because the mutuality would be consistent. Selfish means "self-consumed". If you're trying to establish or maintain a friendship with someone who is really only consumed with themselves, good luck, sis. You're gonna need it.

Cryptic Manipulation

Ugh. Manipulation is the absolute worst. Mostly because sometimes you don't realize someone has you on their puppet strings until a significant amount of damage has already been done. So, in order to spare you this kind of drama, here are some signs of a manipulative individual:

• They use guilt trips to get you to do what they want
• They deflect when you call them to the carpet on something
• They cause more problems than they solve
• They encourage you to be co-dependent (meet their needs more than your own)
• They give backhanded compliments
• They ice you out when you don't do something that they want you to do
• You feel controlled

Some people don't want friends; they want real-life characters to play roles in their life with scripts and agendas. If when you read that sentence, someone's name immediately came to mind — you already know what I'm gonna say. Next.

Not Respecting Confidentiality

The Bible is all about honoring confidentiality; it states that whisperers can separate even the best of friends (check out Proverbs 16:28 and 17:9 sometime). If that ain't a confirmation to expect someone to keep your business to themselves, I don't know what is!

To tell you the truth, I'll raise my hand in this class and admit that because I am so open about a lot of my life, I used to think those around me were as well. I would apply my meter of what was private to others' lives. Now? More and more, I'm like whether they went to the movies or they're about to get married, if they want someone to know something, they'll tell them.

One of the most sacred things a person does is share their life with a friend in confidence. If your business is being told but you're not the one telling it, a "friend" is. That's a deal breaker because it's a violation of the trust you put into them. Full stop.

Ignoring Boundaries

A first friend is a lot like a first love in the sense that it can set the foundation for which you build all of your other relationships. Well, if you never had clear boundaries with either situation, what happens is you end up putting yourself in the position to not have boundaries with others. That's how you end up feeling used, taken for granted and totally disrespected.

Only an unhealthy friend is going to make you question setting boundaries for yourself. A good friend is gonna be all about it because, guess what? They have some too.

One of my all-time favorite authors on boundaries, Dr. Henry Cloud, said something that should be picture art for every bedroom in the world: "You get what you tolerate."

If you're feeling some type of way about one (or more) of your friendships and you know it's because what you've tolerated in order to feel valued and respected is being totally overlooked, chile, that is sho 'nuf a bonafide deal breaker!

Incessant Lying

Once upon a time, I had a friend who was a liar. I mean, a chronic liar. She lied so much that by the time she took her therapist's recommendation of confessing all of the lies that she told, I was looking at her like "Man, who are you?!"

Do we all tell lies from time-to-time? Unfortunately, yes. But have you ever wondered why? A lot of psychologists will tell you that it's a combination of being too cowardly to tell the truth or too in denial to live in reality.

If you are friends with someone who habitually lies, this would essentially mean they are a fearful individual who doesn't mentally or emotionally exist in the real world. Please tell me what is beneficial about that? If anything, their lies could start to infect your truth and that will ultimately do you more harm than good.

Their Toxic Patterns

Back in the day, I used to select friends based on our common interests and how much fun we had together. These days, that's like #3 or #4 on my list. Life has taught me to choose people with whom I share similar values, who will challenge me to better myself, and who are thriving, both in their personal and professional lives. And you know what? Ever since I made that intentional decision, my life has been A LOT less stress-filled and dramatic.

Let's end this article on this note. None of us are perfect and all of us need some accountability and support. But if a lot of your friendships make you look like you're a free counselor and caretaker because they are always in some foolishness, they are constantly making counterproductive (or even potentially-dangerous) life decisions, or their patterns are self-destructive…what are you gaining by being their friend?

Toxic means poison. Poison can kill you. Anything — or one — who puts the quality of your life in jeopardy, even if it's by proxy? You already know. DEAL BREAKER.