7 Promises You Should Make To Yourself Before Entering Into A New Relationship

“I Will Make Sure I’m Healed From My Past Before Opening Myself Up To Something Serious.”

I know you've heard that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Yeah, don't follow that foolishness. Sex produces oxytocin and oxytocin makes us bond to people we have sex with. That's why you can get down 'n dirty with someone you barely even know and all of a sudden think they are the one. "The 'one' what?!" is the question.

You might've also heard that you need half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them (so if you were with them for a year, you need about six months). Well, one study said that what you actually need is around three months. (That's three months with absolutely no contact, by the way).

My mindset is, when you're not using dating as a distraction, comparing others to your ex, semi-stalking him online, others can bring up him without you going a 20-minute rant, and you took some time to focus on tending to your needs as a single woman — after all these boxes are checked, you are probably ready to at least casually date.

This could take three months. It might take two years. For the sake of your next relationship, take however much time your heart needs.

“I Will Be Clear About What I Want and Not Settle for Less.”

I know I've made this mistake time and time again. I would wait until I get caught up in some guy and then, several months into the situation, I'd ask him in a semi-irritated tone of voice, "Soooooo, what are we doing?" Then I'd have the nerve to be mad because he didn't know.

I think a lot of us make the mistake of getting physically and/or emotionally involved with someone before being clear on what kind of relationship we want; not just with them, but in general.

For instance, now I know that if a man isn't interested in marriage, I'm not interested in spending a lot of romance-related intimate time with him because all that will do is set myself up for getting attached, potentially heartbroken, and needing even more time to heal.

Relationships are hard enough when you're getting what you want. Don't make things even more complicated by settling for what (or who) you don't.

“I Will Require Chivalry, Respect and Formal Dates from the Beginning.”

A man who opens doors, acts like a gentleman and actually calls you more than two days beforehand to see what you're doing the following weekend, make that a part of your relationship requirements moving forward.

I know for a fact that there are still men in the world who will treat you like a queen. The ones who do are the guys who have a king mentality. You can spot them by how they approach you from Day One. Examples including calling more than texting, walking up to the door when he picks you up, and (bonus points) taking you somewhere that required real forethought; something other than dinner and a movie.

If you want no less than that, expect no less than that.

“I Will Not Use Sex to Manipulate, ‘Speed Things Up’ or Only Because He Wants To.”

If you got offended when you read this, you're probably the very person who needed to. On this side of abstinence, I recognize that sex has caused me to manipulate my own self on many occasions.

There's an epidemic of people who've confused good sex with an actual relationship. Let me tell it, it's in the Top 5 reasons for why so many of us end up heartbroken and devastated in the first place.

Sex should not be "used". It should be enjoyed. Until you are absolutely sure that you don't have some cryptic agenda when it comes to sex — DON'T. DO. IT.

“I Will Ask the Things I Want to Know, No Matter How Awkward it Might Feel or Sound.”

Dating with a purpose definitely serves a purpose. What's the point in hanging out with someone for months on end only to find out once you're emotionally-attached that they don't want a commitment. Or you don't want kids and they do?

The first date is about seeing if the two of you vibe. But once you're on your third or more, ask the questions you want to know. When's the last time they were in a serious relationship? What are their pet peeves? Where do they see their life in two years? How important is family to them? Is sex an immediate expectation?

I'm not saying interrogate them. What I am saying is if you just wanted to get some baked salmon at your favorite restaurant, you could've done that with one of your homies. Dating should be about getting to know someone as they get to know you. The way to do that is to ask questions.

“I Will Not Ignore Red Flags; Especially Ones I’ve Seen — and Ignored — Before.”

You cannot change a man. Trust me, I've tried. No matter how much you love him, support him, or try and understand him, if there's something that you see that would make being in a relationship with a man unhealthy and/or could hurt you in the process, don't ignore that. Especially if you've seen it in exes before.

Just in case you need a little help, red flags include but are not limited to:

• Flirting with other women in your presence.
• Constantly on his phone while with you.
• Hasn't ever been in a relationship before (and he's over 30).
• Always hits you up at the last minute to do something.
• Never is on time.
• Doesn't keep his word.
• Ignores the standards and boundaries you've set.
• Doesn't apologize when he's wrong.
• You're always the one initiating communication.
• Him not giving direct answers.

Basically, anything that makes you feel like your time, effort, and energy aren't being appreciated or if something tells you something in the buttermilk ain't clean — it qualifies as being a glaring red flag.

“I Will Make Sure that Loving Me Is a Higher Priority than Finding Someone Else to Love.”

A cosmetics surgeon by the name of Maxwell Maltz once said, "Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on." My personal takeaway from that is a lot of us remained in relationships (or situationships) a lot longer than we should have because our self-esteem was too low to leave them.

Whenever people try and say something slick to me about how long I've been single, my answer is (pretty much) always the same: "When a man shows through his actions that he wants to love him as much and as big as I know I have the ability to love, I'll get into another relationship. Until then, I'm good."

Out of all the promises you should make to yourself before getting into a new relationship, promising to love yourself is most important. Because if you truly love you, you won't settle for less than someone who will do the same.

Amen? Amen.