I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How.

I Continually Remind Myself of Why I Stopped.

I stayed in my last relationship much longer than I should have. I cared about him, but I wasn't in love. But between our friendship and the sex, I would ignore my gut that said, "You really need to end this thing."

You know what? When I look back on my sex life, in general, with most of those dudes, I ignored my gut and listened to my libido. I had this pattern of ending up with guys where — eh, 8.5 times out of 10 — the sex was outstanding but everything else was below average. Way below average.

I guess the best way to describe how I was feeling is a Maureen Dowd quote that I like a lot: "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

I have girlfriends who just want sex and they're out. But when it comes to me, I wanted — needed — more than that. I felt that way back then. I still feel that way now. So on my super-horny days, I look at the tat on the inside of my right forearm (Matthew 13:45-46; my birthstone is a pearl so if you look it up, it'll make sense) and remind myself that I stopped because I want more than good sex. I want a solid — and super-lasting — connection.

I Apply Hindsight to Foresight.

Say it with me, y'all: insanity is doing the same thing while expecting a different result. Every time I got a new sex partner, I would tell myself that he'd be different than the other guys. But usually, it was the same "gift" in a different "wrapping". Attractive, smart and funny like all of the others. Charming and a commitment-phobe like all of the others too.

Now that I've spent enough time seeing my patterns for what they are, it's a lot easier to detect when another form of them is headed my way. I can spot the guy who is emotionally immature, the guy who likes sex but hates intimacy, the guy who lives in the present with no thought for the future.

When I was out here "high on oxytocin" (which really is like a drug!), oftentimes I would see the flags then. But I would either be so horny or so turned-out that I'd tune out what my conscious was trying to protect me from.

Abstinence has taught me to see past a night of pleasure and into the days — weeks or even years — that follow my sexual decisions.

I Keep Up With My Ovulation (and Stay Off of Social Media).

If you've been considering giving abstinence a try, but you need a few practical tips to help you out, I've got two.

One, women are designed to really want some during their time of ovulation. That's because that's when we can get pregnant. When I first started this journey, I noticed that was when I was the most ravenous. So, if someone I was attracted to hit me up, even if I was considering going out, I'd let the Big O storm pass. Trust me, if you want to make wise decisions when it comes to sex, don't attempt it when you're ovulating. I'm willing to bet some pretty good money that you won't.

Second, I'm not on social media. Actually, there are many reasons why that's the case but one of them is because when I used to be on Facebook (which is like eight years ago), it was nothing for old sex partners — single and married alike — to hit me up. "How you doin'?" would sometimes turn into "What are you doin'?" and then "What's your number?" followed by slick reminiscing.

A male friend of mine has this theory that he can have sex with any woman he's had sex with in the past. All he has to do is hit her up. I think that's mostly ego talking, but remember what I said about Oxycontin? There is plenty of medical research to support that, on some level, we are physically and psychologically bonded to people we have sex with. (Remember that the next time an ex hits you up with the "Hey, big head" DM).

These days? I can't tell you the last time I've had a run-in with my past. Actually, yes I can. It was 2015 in a Kroger and I was ready for it then. Like I oftentimes say, "If you look for an ex on Facebook, that's all you. If you run into them in Kroger, that's God." Since my past doesn't have easy access to me (no pun intended), being tempted by what was is never really an issue.

I See It as a Privilege Not a Punishment.

Believe me, I've got folks in my life who look at me like I've lost my best friend every time the topic of my abstinence comes up. Although there's a part of them that's proud of me, another feels sorry for me.

As for how I see it, although there are days when I'm pretty sure I'm mean as a bat (and I can only attribute it to my hormones), I don't see what I'm doing as a punishment. It's my choice so it's definitely not that.

To be able to have the self-awareness and master the kind of self-control to where I control my libido so that it doesn't control me? That is a privilege.

And trust me, when you get to where you can master your appetite when it comes to sex and food, you can rule the world. It teaches you empowerment on a whole 'nother level!

I Treat My “Anniversary Date” Like It’s a Holiday.

The only other day that's better than June 17 (my birthday) is January 9 — my abstinence anniversary date! Everyone close to me knows that I am so geeked about it that I'm almost obnoxious!

Not only am I celebrating the supernatural stamina that's required to live this way, I'm also celebrating the woman I've become as a result of my lil' sexual detox experience.

And I love her. This version of me won't use sex to pacify herself. Whenever I engage again, it will be because I want sex, not because I am needy for it. It will be because I desire to celebrate my relationship, not try and create one from the experience. It will be because it's right for my mind, body, and spirit — all parts of me will be in agreement, at peace and won't feel compromised in any way.

To know I'm at this point in my sexual journey, that alone is worth celebrating.

Come January 9, I most certainly will!