Not Sure How You Feel About A Guy Friend? Consider This.

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Move

First: Were Things EVER Actually “Platonic”?

Listen, if anyone has a wealth of male friends, I do. And that’s why I will forever-and-a-day push back on anyone who says that men and women can’t be just friends. LIES YOU TELL. Not only is it possible, I highly recommend it, because the opposite sex can provide insights and perspectives on things in a way that your own gender simply can’t.

Now, can a ton of men and women be strictly platonic friends? Yeah, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The reason why I say that is because, just like folks oftentimes use the word “monogamous” when they actually should be saying “exclusive” (check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”), the same thing goes for calling every relationship that isn’t romantic “platonic.”

Platonic literally means “being, relating to, or involving the kind of love that characterizes a friendship; free of sexual desire or romantic overtones” and what this means is, if you are truly in a platonic friendship with someone, neither one of you is sexually attracted to each other on any level — and well, like a male friend of mine once said when I told him that I described us as being “brother and sister” to some people…“Shellie, you are like my sister but you aren’t. Given the circumstances, you could still get it.” (Chile.)

YES, he said that and ALSO, we have been friends for almost 20 years without so much as a kiss being exchanged between us. Do I think that he finds me sexually appealing? Sure. Me? I’ll put it this way: I get why other women do (personally, I find him to be more beautiful than sexy). And yet, what we value in one another is so much stuff beyond the physical and/or sexual. And this example alone is why, while I don’t think that most friendships between men and women are purely platonic in the se​nse that neither person has some level of sexual attraction or interest in the other (check out “Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'”), I absolutely believe that men and women can put that aside and be friends, without benefits, any​way.

That said, though, as you’re in the middle of processing whether or not you have more-than-friends feelings for a guy friend of your own, it would benefit you to ask yourself if the two of you are truly and genuinely platonic or not — because if you are platonic, the emotions that you are experiencing could be more about admiration or appreciation instead of actual relational interest. On the other hand, if you do have a bit of an interest or curiosity beyond what the two of you currently share, there could be some seeds that you — or you both — have been suppressing that need to be addressed…perhaps even explored.

Which brings me to my next point…

Next: Know the Difference Between Attractive Qualities and Being Attracted to Someone

Something that I find to be extremely appealing in a man is charisma. A guy who is confident, calm and very self-aware? Whew, chile. And don’t let him have an east coast edge to him (my mother was a New Yorker, so…it’s in the genes). One of my close guy friends totally fits this bill and it’s a part of the reason why I enjoy being in his presence. And because we like hanging out together and our friendship has a sense of ease to it, folks like to speculate about if we have “more” going on. We absolutely do not.

See, although he does charisma better than most — and it gets him pretty damn far with the ladies — there is not one ounce of me who sees him in a romantic or sexual kind of way. If anything, I see his charisma as something to put on my wish list for a man…and not much more than that.

And why am I sharing this lil’ story with you? Well, while you’re in the process of figuring out if your guy friend are or aren’t platonic, you should also ask yourself if what you are drawn to about him is attractive overall or it is causing you to be literally attracted to him as an individual. How can you know the difference? Well, aside from what I said about my charismatic guy friend, if you are attracted to someone, there is going to be physical and sexual interest. See, while I enjoy talking to my friend for hours on end, the thought of actually sleeping with him? Ugh. This means that I find some traits attractive but there is no attraction to him.

See the difference?

Don’t Put the “Cart” Before the Horse

I honestly can’t believe that it’s been seven years since I wrote “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners” for the platform. If you haven’t read it (yet), one thing that was a constant thread for me is the fact that I had sex with my friends — and so clearly, they weren’t platonic situations (well, except for one of my boyfriends; that’s another message for another time).

See, the pattern with those guys was, since I don’t typically have sex quickly (there were some exceptions like my first love; it only took a few weeks for us to "engage" although it seemed like forever at the time), they would get tired of waiting which would cause us to cultivate a friendship in the meantime. Problem was, since there was a mutual sexual interest, once an emotional connection was made, sometimes that would ignite the suppressed lust and BOOM! Then we would be in unnecessarily complicated situations all because, although the emotional and sexual intimacy were real, we never discussed what to do about it should we cross the line before actually doing so — and that resulted in matters becoming confusing, draining, stress-filled or even messy. SMDH.

And that is why, I really hope that you hear me when I say that you should ABSOLUTELY NOT sleep with your friend before knowing for sure what your feelings are and what you desire to come from them. Because although sex doesn’t always turn matters into a Lifetime or Tubi movie, what it will always do is change things…one way or another. And once you have sex, it can’t be undone.

Yeah, one more time for the backseats and the hard-headed: Take it from someone who learned the hard way, PLEASE DO NOT THINK THAT SEX WILL CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING FOR CLARITY ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT HAVING POTENTIAL FEELINGS FOR A GUY FRIEND. More times than not, it will either leave a residue that you can’t easily clear up or it will have you seeing things through rose-colored glasses — and that could result in delusional thinking or heartbreak.

Because a lot of people can sleep with you and still never want to be with you. Don’t test that theory out. Just take my word on it, okay?

How To Talk About It Without Ruining The Friendship

If He’s Your Friend, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT

Can having feelings (or even potential feelings) for a guy friend be awkward? Sure. I get that. I will say this, though — if he is truly your friend, you should be able to talk to him about pretty much anything. Because remember, the title of this article is what to do if you kinda-sorta have feelings. Meaning, it’s not like you’re planning to profess your undying love or you want to marry him before the holidays roll around. 

You simply think that you might feel differently about him than the other men in your friendship circle and you are curious what he thinks about it — because real talk about something else: Sometimes knowing how a guy friend feels about you having (potential) feelings for him will let you know whether to feed into the feelings…or not.

And before some of you say, “Shellie, I would rather ask my girlfriends or even other male friends about what they think instead” — I mean, I hear you; however, they aren’t him and so all they can really do is speculate and, if you’re anything like I am, you want to find resolve over going by mere assumptions as soon as possible…and that comes from going directly to the source.

Again, you don’t have to say anything super deep or over-the-top. The conversation with your friend is basically a low-key fact-finding mission to see if both of you could possibly be on the same page of a different chapter of your journey with each other — or not. A simple, “Have you ever seen us as being more than friends before?” (in person, so that you can pay close attention to his body language) may be all that you need to say in order to get the answers that you truly seek.

Oh, and if you’re wondering if all of this will infect your friendship — it shouldn’t. I’ve had a few male friends who’ve had feelings for me over the years and told me. I’ve also had feelings for one or two of mine in the past as well and I told them about it. Really, at the end of the day, we decided that the friendship meant more than taking the risk of trying something else/more out. Plus, us liking each other was actually a huge compliment more than anything. Why? Because we know each other beyond the surface stuff that comes with typical crushes. 

We simply took the interest as a seasonal feeling and moved on. Our friendship meant too much, to the both of us, to let it hinder us from remaining…intact.

And that’s kind of my point about this point — if you think you have feelings for a guy friend and you tell him, if he’s a mature individual, the intimacy within the honesty could end up bringing you closer together (simply because sharing all of who you are in a safe space tends to do that). On the other hand, if it puts distance between the two of you (due to how either of you choose to act afterwards), that could reveal some cracks in the foundation of your friendship that should be addressed anyway (and may have existed all along).

Bottom line, unless it’s something as surface and shallow as a random sex dream or him looking good enough to eat in a tailored suit one time — keeping your feelings to yourself about a real and true friend will typically backfire, one way or another…if not immediately, eventually. And besides, there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. If he’s good enough to be your friend, no harm or foul in finding him to be good enough to be more-than-just-a-friend ​too. Relax. Relate. Release.​

____

By the way, the advice that I just gave you? Trust me, it’s based on mere speculation. I’ve given the gist of this intel to clients and some of them have been in long-term relationships with a guy who used to be “just their friend” for a hot minute now.

You know, there is a Scripture in the Bible that says, “…you do not have because you do not ask.” (James 4:2). How are you gonna know how your male friend feels about how you feel if you don’t say anything?

If you want to get out of the kinda-sorta and into “very sure” — communicate.

Knowing where you stand is always a good thing. No matter what.

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.