Your September Horoscopes Are All About Operating At Your Highest Self
The Sun travels through meticulous Virgo for most of September before moving into charming Libra on the 23rd. On the 14th, the Full Moon in Pisces has us deep in our feels while Mercury and Venus cozy up in the sky, helping us to harmonize areas of our lives that have been in distress. Saturn, Lord of Karma, goes direct on the 18th, lending positive results to those that have been putting in the work.
Things get a little hazy around the 21st, so be mindful of unrealistic expectations. Remember that faith without work is dead. Tensions are rising around the 28th between what is expected of you and what your soul is calling you to do. The New Moon at the end of the month helps you find the balance between the two.
Check out your monthly horoscope below to see what September has in store for you!
Aries
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Most of your month is spent prioritizing your work-life balance, with the Sun transiting through hard-working Virgo. On the 14th, the Full Moon in Pisces has your spidey-senses tingling. Intuition is heightened and your dreams provide vivid insight into past life karma that has reached its expiration date. Surrender is the name of the game and this Full Moon is meant to test how far you've come in your self-mastery, challenging you to relinquish control. Mercury moves into Libra on the same day and you're focused on bringing more balance into your close relationships. Venus, planet of love and money, also moves into this part of your chart which helps you attract good fortune through the relationships you build. Business deals are solidified and harmony is restored within your significant relationships.
On the 18th, Saturn goes direct, helping you achieve some forward momentum in your career field. If you've been putting in the work, the recognition will slowly start rolling in. Leading up to the 21st, be mindful of unrealistic expectations of others—especially those you look up to for spiritual guidance. You don't need a middle man to validate your connection to God and the cosmos. Around the 28th, tensions are rising due to the demands of your home life, relationships, and career but peace can be found by being honest about your personal limits. The New Moon on the 28th invites you to increase the quality of your relationships by taking on a win-win approach for both parties. This time could also indicate the start of a new job, business partnership, or significant relationship with someone that has long-term potential.
Taurus
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The month begins with most of your attention going towards creative projects, children (or your inner child), and romance. The Full Moon on the 14th illuminates your social circle, making it glaringly clear who's on #TeamTaurus and who's not. Mercury and Venus move into Libra on the same day, helping you find a better flow in your work-life balance over the next month. This is a good time to schedule your annual health screening and finally try out that detox you've been holding off on. Health is wealth and it's well worth sacrificing that extra glass of wine you have for dinner every day.
On the 18th, Saturn goes direct, pushing forward any international travel plans. Over the next several months, you've got the opportunity to flex what you've been learning behind the scenes. It's time to publish that book, teach that class, or share your wisdom as a mentor for someone following in your footsteps. Be mindful of wishful thinking around the 21st. Your deep desire to be a part of a community may have you settling for connections that aren't an accurate reflection of your values and expectations of your social circle. Around the 28th, you may experience some inner, or outer, conflict pertaining to different belief systems. Be respectful of others' sovereignty and avoid getting into any drama with people more intent on proving a point than gaining understanding. The month wraps up with a New Moon inviting you to plant the seeds for long-lasting results for your overall health and well-being.
Gemini
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Most of the attention is on home and family this month, as the Sun transits through analytical Virgo. Cut your folks some slack and ease up on being too demanding of your loved ones. On the 14th, the Full Moon gives you some insight into something that's been holding up your career progression. This revelation could result in you ditching one career path and transitioning into a new opportunity more suited for your long-term goals. Mercury and Venus move into this same part of your sky highlighting creativity, children, and romance. Your charm is at its peak so if you're open to love; the next month favors your efforts. Inspiration will also be at a high, so make it work to your advantage to get back into some of those projects you've put on the back-burner.
On the 18th, Saturn goes direct and you are finally ready to come out of your cocoon after doing some much-needed, and often uncomfortable, soul-searching related to intimacy and sexual expression. Try not to have your head caught up in the clouds around the 21st. Your expectations in career and relationship aren't necessarily unrealistic but it's best that you be as logical as possible, especially when it comes to timing! Around the 28th, tension is rising and you're feeling pulled in opposing directions—specifically as it pertains to the resources you've accumulated and what you may feel obligated to share with others. An outstanding debt may also need your attention at this time. Do your best to be proactive instead of avoiding your responsibility. The month ends with a New Moon inviting you to lay the groundwork for that creative project or meet someone new if you're open to dating.
Cancer
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Communication and learning is your top priority for most of the month as the Sun travels through meticulous Virgo. On the 14th, the Full Moon in your sister sign grants you the spotlight to share your knowledge or to complete a course you've been taking. If you've been having any issues with immigration or foreign affairs, your resolution is here. Mercury and Venus move into Libra on the same day, putting your focus on home and family. If you're partnered up, you may talk about moving in together or starting a family depending on the stage of your relationship. Love matters take on a more secluded energy during this time of year and your best moments will be spent in the comfort of your sanctuary with your lover.
On the 18th, Saturn goes direct and your relationship is getting even more serious. If you're single, a solid commitment is definitely on the brain and if love isn't a priority right now, there's a solid business partnership in the works. Around the 21st, try to stay realistic when it comes to any new routines you're trying to implement into your life as well as new knowledge you're absorbing. These things take time, and practice, for these new habits and concepts to truly establish themselves. Give yourself credit for even the smallest bit of progress to avoid the disappointment of not meeting extremely high expectations that you're setting for yourself. Watch out for tension between you and a significant other (lover, business partner, or close friend) around the 28th. Try to find a compromise between your needs and those of the other. The month closes with a New Moon, inviting you to move residence or plant the seed if you're ready to add a new addition to your family.
Leo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
You're in your bag this month as the Sun transits through hard-working Virgo throughout most of the month. On the 14th, Mercury and Venus are making you the center of attention when it comes to communication. Check those junk mail folders and stay on top of your DMs. You could have some dope opportunities come your way, given the extra charm that you're exuding over the next month. The Full Moon on the same day can get pretty emo for you but hey, you've gotta feel it to heal it. Might as well be the bold babe that you are and dive right into the shadows of your pain. You may even be able to pull some inspiration from the depths to work to your benefit.
On the 18th, Saturn goes direct and you're getting extremely disciplined with your fitness, health, and daily routines. You may not be training for the olympics but you've definitely got your eyes on the gold medal. Be mindful of over-inflated expectations around the 21st when it comes to romance. It's best to take things slow and just have some fun at this time. Keep in mind that intimacy takes time to build and spilling your guts about all of your childhood trauma and fears on the first date isn't the best approach to this. September winds down with a New Moon encouraging you to start that new writing project, share your thoughts, or launch that vlog as a means of self-expression.
Virgo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Happy birthday, Goddess! The spotlight is on you for most of the month and it's time to reintroduce yourself as the wiser, sexier, and more successful woman that you've become over the past year. Mercury and Venus are blessing your finances right out the gate. Whether you're blowing out birthday candles or not, don't forget to make a wish. The cosmos are working overtime for you this month. You've got the potential to land some major business deals, sponsorships, or extra support for your amazing talents. Shoot your shot and apply for those loans, grants, and scholarships if you need some extra financial assistance. On the 14th, the Full Moon in your opposite sign can illuminate some imbalances within an existing partnership or business collaboration. Try to find a middle ground and if necessary, part ways in peace to create space for a connection that is more in alignment with you. On the 18th, Saturn goes direct in your sister sign and you're getting serious about those creative ideas that have been brewing underneath the surface since April. It's time to put those plans into action!
Try your best to stay grounded around the 21st when it comes to your expectations of others and your family. You may not be feeling as supported as you'd like but it's nothing personal. Keep in mind that people have lives just like you do. Ask for help when you need it and be open to receiving it in the way that people can offer it to you. It's up to you to do the rest. Tensions are rising around the 28th between your creative ideas and the input of a group that you collaborate with. Teamwork makes the dream work. Make sure everyone's ideas are taken into consideration—even if it's just bits and pieces that will ultimately lend to the bigger picture. The month winds down with a New Moon, bringing in a renewed sense of belief in yourself that is possibly accompanied by an amazing opportunity that increases your finances.
Libra
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The first part of the month will be a bit more quiet for you as your prepare for your birthday season. Take some time to reflect over the growth that you've experienced in the past year and the plans for your future. On the 14th, the Full Moon illuminates some habits that you may need to clean up, particularly related to your health and wellness. Mercury and Venus move into your sign on the same day, amping up the charm factor and enchanting your life with magical opportunities. Don't be afraid to shine and express the truth of who you are. Your authenticity will make you a magnet for good fortune and maybe even some love and romance.
Saturn goes direct on the 18th and you're planting your roots in a new home, or restructuring your current abode. Family planning may be on the brain for some of you in the months to come. As magical as the energy is this month, do your best to stay grounded around the 21st particularly when it comes to any new habits you're implementing or projects you're starting. In most cases, slow and steady wins the race. The Sun enters your sign on the 23rd, bringing in your birthday season. Tension may be rising around the 28th between your home life and career aspirations. Try to find a balance between the two. The month ends with a New Moon in your sign and maybe a new wardrobe or hairstyle, too. It's time to reintroduce the world to the new and improved you!
Scorpio
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Most of your focus this month is on your friends, social networking, and your long-term vision for your life while the Sun transits through Virgo. On the 14th, the Full Moon in your sister sign illuminates your creativity and inner child. It's time to express yourself more freely and maybe reveal that new masterpiece you've been working on behind the scenes. Mercury and Venus move into Libra on the same day, making you even more receptive to all of the tea. Be mindful of getting too caught up in the drama. This energy is best utilized for laying low and reconnecting with your spiritual practice. Make an effort to record your dreams as they'll bring you tons of guidance and insight into what needs to be healed throughout the month ahead.
Saturn goes direct on on the 18th, helping you to take a more thoughtful approach to your communication style moving ahead. This is a good time to revamp your social media strategy or sign up for that course to refine your public speaking or writing skills. Be mindful of having your head in the clouds around the 21st when it comes to your spending habits and romance. You may be tempted to splurge on a date around this time. Get creative to spare yourself the big bill. Watch out for tension between you and a mentor figure around the 23rd. It's not what you say. It's how you say it. September winds down with the Sun and New Moon in Libra, encouraging you to close out those karmic contracts just in time for your birthday season next month.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
While the Sun transits through Virgo in the first part of the month, your attention is on leveling up in career and social status. On the 14th, Mercury and Venus move into Libra, helping you work out any kinks within your friendships while also making you super popular amongst your community. This is primetime for networking. As they say, "It's all about who you know." However, this time around, people will be more drawn towards you without you having to make as much effort. Any issues within your home and family may come to a head with the Full Moon amping up the energy. People will be more sensitive than usual on the 14th, so lay low, if possible. This energy may also have you ready to relocate if you've outgrown your current environment.
Saturn goes direct on the 18th and you're ready to take action towards establishing some long-term wealth for yourself. Keep in mind that your legacy takes time to build but you're well on your way to financial freedom. Be mindful of unrealistic expectations around the 21st when it comes to family matters or buying that new home. Preparation is key if you want to invest in property or expand your family. Watch out for tension around the 28th when it comes to your resources and what you share with others. An outstanding debt may need to be paid or you need to compromise if you share funds within a partnership. The month ends with a New Moon, inviting you to expand your social circle and your vision for life. Dream big, Saggie! The world is yours for the taking.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The first part of the month brings your focus to higher learning and spiritual development, sprinkled in with some foreign affairs. It's time to plan for that Eat, Pray, Love adventure you've been daydreaming about. On the 14th, the Full Moon lends you the spotlight on social media, helping you to express yourself in a more vulnerable way. If you're not ready for IG fame quite yet, this is the perfect time to explore some written or verbal outlets to express your feelings. Mercury and Venus form a lovely conjunction on the same day, gifting you with the gift of gab in your professional environment. If you've been wanting that promotion or raise, now is the time to have that meeting with your boss.
Your ruling planet, Saturn, goes direct on the 18th, helping you catch a little bit of a break (with an emphasis on "little bit"). Okay, so this transit has probably been kicking your ass, but for good reason. Remember, it takes pressure to make diamonds, my love. Stay grounded around the 21st as this energy has the potential to carry you off into la la land. There's a fine line between faith and delusion. Back up your dreams with consistent action and make sure other people's promises are consistent with their actions as well. There may be some tension brewing around the 28th between you and a significant other or business partner. Sometimes it's just best to take some space and reconvene at a later time. The month ends on a high note with the New Moon, blessing you with a new job, promotion, or increased social standing through an achievement of yours. It's about damn time the G.O.A.T. gets the recognition she deserves.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The beginning of September brings your focus to your inner transformation, helping you make amends with your voice of criticism. The Full Moon on the 14th serves to liberate you from emotional wounds, contributing to low self-esteem that inhibit you from sharing your gifts with the world (and monetizing them as well). Mercury and Venus create a harmonious aspect on the same day, elevating you into a position of a guide for others that wish to follow in your footsteps. Don't be afraid to share your wealth of wisdom. This transit can also bring in some sudden opportunities to travel with bae or line you up to meet someone special during your excursion.
Saturn goes direct on the 18th, giving you the push to get more grounded when it comes to your spiritual practices. It's time to get back into that mediation routine or reconnect with your sacred community that holds you accountable for your spiritual growth. Stay grounded around the 21st as there's a tendency to overspend on your friends. It's okay to be generous but make sure you're not trying to prove your worth in social settings by being the big spender. You've got other great qualities that people value when you simply show up. Tensions may be rising around the 28th between your daily responsibilities and your desire to drift off into your dreamworld. This aspect can also reveal a hidden hater in your midst. Avoid getting sucked into anyone's drama and leave them to beef with themselves. The month winds down with a New Moon inspiring you to go back to school, take a course, or dive deeper into personal study that will elevate your mind and spirit.
Pisces
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Relationships are your top priority with the Sun transiting through your opposite sign, helping you bring balance into your key connections. Don't be afraid to set boundaries where necessary. The Full Moon on the 14th helps you clear out the old narratives, and emotions, that have held you back from asserting your individuality. Both Mercury and Venus move into Libra the same day, strengthening your ability to verbalize those feelings you often hide. Fear of intimacy, along with any psychological trauma, can be seen with a clearer perspective during this transit. Saturn, the ruler of karma, goes direct on the 18th, granting you some momentum towards those big hopes and dreams of yours while also providing you with the support from your tribe to motivate you along the way. Try not to shy away from networking in the months to come. Remember, it's not what you know. It's who you know.
Do your best to stay grounded around the 21st when it comes to your expectations in career. Slow and steady wins the race and all of this Capricorn energy is helping you develop some much-needed discipline. Be mindful of tension within a team setting around the 28th. Ideas may be clashing but do your best to find a middle ground. You're all working towards a common goal but just have different ways of going about it. Be flexible! September closes with a New Moon, inviting you to share your wealth, whether that be financially or spiritually. Your willingness to connect with others on a deeper level provides you a sense of being understood—something you've always been seeking.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
- September 2019 Monthly Horoscope ›
- September Horoscope – 2019 Monthly Horoscope – Astrology King ›
- September 2019 Horoscope ›
- Your September 2019 Monthly Horoscope ›
- September 2019 horoscopes tarot reading for every star sign ›
- Your September 2019 Monthly Horoscope ›
- September 2019 Monthly Horoscope - TheChineseZodiac.org ›
- September 2019 monthly horoscope ›
- September 2019 Horoscope, Monthly Horoscopes for September ... ›
- September 2019 Monthly Horoscope Predictions For All | SunSigns ... ›
This Couple Almost Let Their 8-Year Age Gap Keep Them From Finding Love With One Another
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Courtesy
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Stacey: *thinks*
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
It’s semi-consistent that someone will hit me up based on an article I’ve written and will say, “Where did you come up with the idea to tackle that?” Although I do spend a good amount of time hanging out in cyberspace to see what folks are talking about, you’d be amazed how much inspiration comes from my clients, chile. And today’s topic? You already read the title, and yeah, it really is wild how much of an issue this is in a lot of relationships — marriages included.
How in the world folks let something like this get past them before jumping the broom, I will never (EVER) know because even if you and your partner decide to practice abstinence before saying “I do” (yes, some people do still do that), intimacy isn’t just about sex. And so, if you plan on vowing “until death parts us” to another individual, conversations need to get hella extensive, deep, and personal when it comes to what each other’s wants, needs, and expectations are — both inside of the bedroom as well as outside of it. And yes, oral sex applies.
Listen, I tell people often that you are in over-the-top denial if you think that someone is going to sign up for monogamy (the original definition of that is marriage, not dating, by the way; “exclusivity” is a more appropriate word for dating dynamics) and either end up in a sexless marriage (which is sex that transpires 10-15 times a year) or one where their sexual needs end up going unmet (especially on a consistent basis).
So, if cunnilingus is a big deal to you (and sis, I totally get it if that is indeed the case) and he’s either not interested in, umm, “meeting you where you’re at” or even if he’s simply less than enthused about doing so, please don’t just grin and bear it in silence. THAT IS A PROBLEM THAT IS ONLY GOING TO GET BIGGER.
That said, let’s look into how this issue can be addressed…
What’s His Reason?
GiphyRemember how I said that my clients inspire me a lot as far as content goes? Well, I’ll never forget sitting across from a man who was an elder at his church. Chile, he was a real trip because while he had no problem with his wife going down on him (more on that in a sec), he said that there was no biblical stance behind him “returning the favor.” Don’t get me started on how many times church folks act shocked by how much Word I know, and you know what? I am very aware of the fact that sex is mentioned in the Bible quite a bit.
For instance, I Corinthians 7:5 tells married couples not to deprive each other; and that sex needs to happen consistently. The Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16-20 speaks to sex not being designed to be casual. The Song of Solomon? Chile, that book is so graphic (if you know how to read in between the lines). And then there is Proverbs 5:15(NKJV): “Drink water from your own cistern and running water from your own well.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: a cistern is not only “a reservoir, tank, or container for storing or holding water or other liquid,” it is also “a reservoir or receptacle of some natural fluid of the body.” That second definition? Yes, the vagina would certainly qualify — so thinking that there is some spiritual reason to not engage? I don’t think there is one. Not for married folks.
Still, I’m using this as an example because no one comes up with something like an anti-oral stance without some sort of reasoning behind it. It might be how they were raised. It might be some sort of religious thing. It might be because they had a bad first (second or third) experience. It might be because they are afraid and are too scared to (openly) admit it. It might be because they are simply selfish individuals. Whatever the case may be, if you’ve got a partner who is against cunnilingus, remember that good sex typically includes some levels of emotional intimacy. Don’t just accept what he’s saying — talk to him about it.
Does He Expect Fellatio, Tho?
GiphyMany of us know the position that DJ Khaled was on a few years back; you know, when he said that he expects oral sex from his wife, yet he doesn’t give it. Now, to be fair, there is probably some cultural and religious stuff behind it all, but still: he was talking about being a king, and that is why he should be serviced — and how could we not see a lot of ego in all of that?
Personally — and if it’s TMI, I apologize in advance — I never found myself in the position where oral sex was going down, and reciprocity wasn’t present. I did have one sex partner where it never happened, yet it wasn’t for a lack of him trying or offering (I just didn’t want to for some reason). For me, my sexual history consisted of people who were my friends…which means we knew each other really well…which means we knew each other’s sexual needs and expectations way before anything ever transpired.
However, even if that’s not the case for you, if “head” hasn’t gone down yet, talk all of this out. If it has, and it seems like you’re the only one on the giving end, you need to bring it up. After all, closed mouths don’t get fed — or eaten (I mean…). If he gives you some DJ Khaled rah-rah, that’s gaslighting to the billionth degree because if it’s a religious thing, most religions promote abstinence outside of marriage. If he comes at you on some what I once heard R&B singer Keith Sweat say at a concert here in Nashville, that “real men don’t need to go down on women” because their penis should be enough — that’s nonsense.
For one thing, if you should be fine with just his penis, he should be fine with just your vagina. Secondly, a lot more women climax from cunnilingus than vaginal penetration alone — so, if he’s a pleaser, he’s gonna want to make sure that you get pleased. And if he isn’t one…that means sex is mostly about him, and he sucks (no pun intended) for thinking that way.
And what about you? Should you keep on…pleasuring him in that fashion if he’s not willing to “return the favor?" My vote is “no” because you are rewarding his selfishness, which is something that we’ll get more into in just a moment. That said, I will put on record that since every successful relationship includes levels of compromise, there is something else that you should consider.
Is He Open to “Compromise”?
GiphyCompromise. On so many levels, it is the foundation of pretty much relationships. And how do you compromise when it comes to something like this? Compromise can be how long he’s down there for (because if you’ve ever been with a man who enjoys going down, you know that he can be there for quite a while…and we appreciate it!). Compromise can be bringing sex-related condiments like whipped cream or honey into the dynamic. Compromise can be “counting up to 69” (if you know what I mean) so that he can be receiving pleasure while he’s giving it (which can serve as an absolutely awesome distraction). Compromise can be not expecting it every time sex goes down.
Would I compromise with a man who wasn’t big on cunnilingus? Probably not because that’s how big of a deal it is for me. However, I get that sometimes you can meet a good man, and his not being interested in “being a giver” isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for you. If that is indeed the case, compromise is the middle ground that just might work for you.
Okay, but what if you can’t bend in this department?
Is It a Deal-Breaker for You?
GiphyA few years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom.” And although “no oral sex” wasn’t on the list, I don’t think it’s shallow in the least if that is something that you just can’t seem to do without, especially if you’re gearing up for (or are already in) an exclusive type of situation. Again, it can’t be said enough that when you sign up to be someone’s one-and-only, and they do the same thing for you, this means that you are to be looking to them, and them alone, to get certain needs met.
And here’s the irony about deal-breakers: what they basically mean is two people came to the negotiating table and couldn’t find a middle ground. And while, I don’t think that anyone should feel bad about not doing something that they don’t want to do, if your man’s reason for not going down on you is simply, “I don’t want to” and he’s not even open to trying to find some workarounds, you’re probably going to find yourself very unhappy and sexually unfulfilled up the road and that means that there is a huge potential for other problems down the pike too.
It can’t be said enough that a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out after two people have tried to work things out. If the two of you have openly discussed the topic and he’s not willing to try to bend and you’re not willing to give oral sex up — no, it’s not shallow to end the relationship. Dating is about seeing who meets your needs, and it’s more than fair to see oral sex as a bona fide sexual need.
Do You See Signs of Selfishness Elsewhere?
GiphyAre there some people who just don’t like oral sex, no matter what? Of course, there are (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”). Hey, I even wrote a while back about some people who aren’t fond of kissing (check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”). Now I will say this: for the very few I know who don’t like to give or receive, they don’t apply when it comes to what I’m about to address that is probably the issue for everyone else who takes a pass on oral sex: selfishness. And since we’re talking about guys who don’t go down, specifically, in this piece — selfish men.
Do you know what I’ve noticed about those types of guys? They tend to be selfish in other areas too because, what they are essentially saying is, that they want you to do what pleases them while not being interested in returning the favor. And that tends to manifest in other reasons. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself the following questions, and then be real with yourself about the answers:
Do you find yourself doing most of the work to keep the relationship going? Are you the bigger giver overall? If you weren’t the one initiating calls, dates, etc. would you even be in a consistent relationship? Does he rarely compromise? Do you keep putting other needs that you have on the back burner? Does he make you feel like other wants that you have aren’t that big of a deal or that you are blowing things out of proportion for not getting them met? Does he try to make you feel guilty for having certain expectations?
A wise person once said that good sex is 10 percent of a relationship while bad sex is 90 percent because the bedroom sets the tone for the rest of the room of the house. That said, if you’ve got a man who won't go down on you (or acts like it’s a chore if he does), it’s clear that your bedroom has some issues. And so, I can’t help but ask: How’s the rest of your “house” doing? If it’s selfish elsewhere, that’s an even bigger red flag.
All You Can Do Is Ask. Discuss. Then Make Your Move. One Way or Another.
Season 1 Doesnt Work Like That GIF by The Roku ChannelGiphyThe reason why I decided to provide some things to think about instead of writing what I think a blanket solution should be is because the reality is that when it comes to stuff like this, no two couples are the same; there are so many nuances to sexual needs that it’s impossible to cover it all in just one article.
What I did want to make sure of is you knew that 1) your sexual needs are legitimate; 2) the way to address getting them met is to not suppress or make assumptions; you need to address them head-on, and 3) if he’s not willing to give you what you need (or want, if you choose to see cunnilingus in that fashion), you’ve got some serious thinking to do. Because, again, going the distance with someone who isn’t meeting a sexual desire that satisfies you can be a setup for all kinds of drama that could be avoided if the two of you aren’t kind enough to each other to say, “You know what? Maybe we’re not as right for each other as we thought.”
Sex is the only thing in a relationship. NOT. AT. ALL. At the same time, I’ve been working with sexually unhappy couples long enough to know that if you don’t take your needs seriously, “snowflakes” have a way of turning into avalanches.
If he won’t go down on you, address it. If he’s not willing to budge, don’t feel bad for making a move… on someone who wouldn’t even dream of this being an issue in the first place.
And sis, there are PLENTY of men out here who are just like that. TRUST.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Tara Moore/Getty Images