Your June Horoscopes Are Here & They’re All About Intention-Setting
There's no coincidence that Gemini season is one of the busiest, social times of the year. The month starts off with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, making this the perfect time to set intentions for new ways to share your truth.
Mercury, planet of communication, moves into sentimental Cancer on the 4th, bringing a softness to our interactions this month. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini, amping up the flirtatious energy. During this transit, it's common to attract more eccentric, carefree connections that bring out your inner wild child. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius encourages you to not only be optimistic about your goals but to also take bold action (think of the Knight of Wands in the Tarot).
It's one thing to hope for a better tomorrow but what actions are you taking in the now to align yourself with where (and who) you'd like to be?
Neptune goes retrograde on the 21st for the next several months making this an ideal time to take your spiritual development even further. When Neptune is direct, we tend to take a more idealistic approach to life but when the planet of illusion goes retrograde, our perspective becomes that much more clear. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day, bringing the collective focus to family, home, and our roots (and also getting us ready for Eclipse season next month). On the 26th, Mercury moves into fierce Leo, making our conversations even more lively and passionate with a side of drama.
Check out your zodiac sign's monthly horoscope below to see what June has in store for you:
Aries
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The month begins with a New Moon on the 3rd encouraging you to try something new when it comes to communicating your truth. This is a great time to start a new blog, initiate that YouTube channel, or share your thoughts from a more authentic space. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making family matters the topic of discussion, whether you're squashing beef with your loved ones or planning to start your own family with your partner. Venus moves into adventurous Gemini on the 8th, which could bring an opportunity to travel with bae or meet someone different than your usual type. Social media dating is favorable during this transit as well as meeting someone at a seminar or conference.
Enjoying what you love is a good way to attract someone on the same wave as you.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sister sign, Sagittarius, gives you a much-needed boost of energy as well as a defining breakthrough moment as it pertains to higher learning, publishing, and your spiritual beliefs. This is an opportune time to reveal that project you've been working on. Full Moons can also result in endings, like parting ways with an old spiritual path, philosophy, or mentor that no longer resonates with you. Neptune goes retro on the 21st, encouraging you to dive deeper into your wealth of spiritual wisdom. Your dreams will be even more enhanced providing you with the guidance you seek. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day making home and family top priority for the next month. June wraps up with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, adding even more passion, romance, and adventure to your world.
Taurus
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June blossoms open with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, inviting you to set intentions for the material gain you'd like to make over the next lunar cycle. Your gift of gab will be a defining factor in your prosperity this month. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, which softens your connections with siblings, close friends, and neighbors. Taking a trip home is favorable under this transit. Venus, your ruling planet, moves into quirky Gemini on the 8th, which is attracting some unusual romantic candidates into your life. Keeping an open mind can actually land you in a connection, whether romantic or platonic, that brings out your own unique qualities that can give you more of an edge to help advance you financially. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius helps you release any unresolved emotional blockages that hinder you from feeling deeply connected to the people in your life.
You may often feel like no one really knows you. Well, here's your chance to finally be seen, heard, and known for all of your beauty and scars.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, clearing out any illusions you've held around your social circle. This energy can manifest as someone being outed for some shady business but be grateful for revelations that come during this transit that will show you who your real friends are. During this transit, you'll also receive a wake up call about a long-term dream of yours that needs less wishful thinking and more hard work. The Sun moves into empathic Cancer the same day. Much of your interests and conversations over the next month will be about motherhood and your roots. Exploring your ancestry with your siblings can be a great way to bond at this time. The month closes out with Mercury moving into vivacious Leo on the 26th, enlivening your interactions with family making this a perfect time for a summer vacay with the ones you love.
Gemini
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Happy birthday, Gemmie! Your season has finally arrived and the month kicks off with a New Moon in your sign. You only get one New Moon a year so make the best of this by setting intentions for what you want to experience during this next year around the Sun. Mercury moves into Cancer on the 4th, bringing your focus to money and the practical matters of life. This is also a good time to nurture a new hobby that could potentially bring in additional revenue. On the 8th, Venus moves into your sign, making you the hottest hottie of the zodiac.
The road ahead is paved with good fortune and an overflow of love. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius highlights your closest relationships, whether it be your significant other or business partner. This time can mark a completion within one of your connections or simply the need to readjust your boundaries. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months, clearing the fog around your career path.
If you've been feeling lost when it comes to your life purpose, this transit can help you connect with the deeper truth of who you are and the work that you can do to make the world a better place.
Any issues with authority figures can be squashed during this transit thanks to a change in perspective that offers a clearer view of the dynamic. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day, which brings your focus to finances and how you make your money. This is a time to reassess how nurturing your work truly is. The month comes to a close with Mercury, planet of communication, moving into Leo on the 26th, making you super popular amongst your local scene. Writing, blogging, and anything that allows you to verbally express your star power is favored at this time.
Cancer
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The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd bringing your attention to your subconscious, dreams, and endings. Use the energy to release stagnant mental patterns and emotions that are likely tied to past life karma. It's time to reset before your b-day season so leave the baggage behind. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sign, making you quite the busy bee. As popular as you are during this transit, you may prefer to retreat in the comfort of your home. Venus, planet of love, moves into Gemini on the 8th urging you to take a more private approach to love, making this the perfect "Netflix and Chill" transit. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius puts a spotlight on your daily routines, habits, and health. This is an opportune time to ditch bad habits with a fire ritual. Simply write down what you want to release and burn it under the light of the moon.
Neptune goes retro on the 21st up through November giving you the chance to dive deeper into study to refine your personal philosophies and spiritual development. During this transit, connecting with your Higher Self and spirit squad is easier than usual. The Sun moves into your sign on the same day making you the star of the show. Around this time, it's a good idea to start thinking about what you want to accomplish in the year ahead. If you're into rituals, wait until your New Moon in July as this energy is extremely supportive for you. The month closes out with Mercury, planet of communication, moving into Leo on the 26th. Conversation surrounding your finances are likely during this transit. This is a great time to bring hidden talents to the forefront.
Stop sleeping on yourself and resolve those issues surrounding your self-esteem to help you tap into the momentum of this transit. You have the ability to make a strong impression on those around you if you believe in yourself.
Leo
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Happy June, lioness! The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, making you even more popular than you already are amongst your friends. You may even consider collaborating towards a common goal with your social circle. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making you more aware of subconscious patterns that inhibit you from experiencing the nurturing that you need. Mommy issues are likely to surface. Using your dreams and past life regression can help you get to the root of the issue. Venus moves into charming Gemini on the 8th and one of your friends wants to take things to the next level with you. Of course, it's up to you if you grant them the privilege of exiting the friend zone. On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sister sign, Sagittarius, lights up your dating life. This is a perfect night to get out there if you're open to love.
Your creativity is heightened at this time as well. If you've been working on a project behind the scenes, this is a great moment to release it to the world.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde in your house of shadows, making the next several months all about understanding the hidden parts of your personality. Any traumatic experiences you've endured can be seen through a more enlightened perspective that helps you release the binds within your psyche. The Sun moves into Cancer the same day, slowing down your momentum to get you ready for your birthday season. Don't get ahead of yourself! Enjoy this time to rest, replenish, and reconnect with yourself on a deeper level. The month closes out with Mercury moving into your sign on the 26th. You've got the gift of gab and you're open to sharing your knowledge with others. Keep in mind that with great power comes great responsibility.
Virgo
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The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, bringing your focus to career and achievements.
This is the perfect time to set intentions for what the success you want to achieve in the next moon cycle. Honoring your uniqueness will get you further than blending in with the crowd.
On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer and you're all about supporting social causes that hit home for you that tie into your long-term vision for your life. Venus, planet of love and money, moves into Gemini on the 8th which can have you eyeing someone in the workplace (or they can be eyeing you). Proceed with caution when mixing business with pleasure. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius brings a resolution to family quarrels. You may also consider ending a lease or moving around this time. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, helping you reassess your relationships with others with more clarity.
Any illusions you've built up around a particular partnership will likely dissolve, helping you see the truth of the situation and not just your projections of what you want it to be. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're more interested in connecting with those that make you feel emotionally safe. You'll likely be in the mood to play the role of nurturer for friends. This is great energy for volunteering with organizations that serve disenfranchised children and women. The month closes with Mercury, your ruling planet, moving into Leo giving you tons of energy but in a more quiet part of your chart associated with the subconscious. Keep a dream journal around this time to help you understand blockages that keep you from shining your star power.
Libra
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The month begins with a New Moon in your sister sign on the 3rd which is opening up doors for you in areas of travel and higher learning. Get your passport ready, jet-setter! Mercury, planet of communication, moves into Cancer on the 4th, bringing your focus to career and climbing the social ladder. As motivated as you are, it's important to keep your work-life balance in check. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini, making you super magnetic. If you're traveling around this time, love is definitely following you wherever you go.
The Full Moon in Sagittarius on the 17th highlights an important conversation that will transform the way you communicate your truth. If you work with the media or writing, this is the perfect time to share what you've been cooking up behind the scenes.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde and the next several months will be spent transforming your inner world as it's related to your health and well-being. This transit is supportive of kicking any bad habits, especially those that affect you mentally and/or physically. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day giving you the boost that you need to boss up. You're feeling more goal-oriented at this time, so use the energy to check off some things on your to-do list. The month closes out with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, making you the center of attention amongst your friends. You could even be in the works of collaborating with your soul tribe to make your impact in the world.
Scorpio
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Summer is nearing and the month begins with a chatty New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd. Even the most private sign of the zodiac needs to express itself from time to time. Opt for a session with your therapist (or a trusted friend) instead of that bottle of booze. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sister sign, Cancer, and you're feeling the wanderlust. A trip to the beach can be soothing for your spirit during this transit. This is also a good time to dive deep into research when it comes to spirituality and philosophy. Connecting with a mentor, or teaching others what you know, is favored at this time. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and you're feeling more open when it comes to sharing some of your well-kept secrets. Talking about your trauma, whether with a professional or loved one, can be extremely transformational.
The Full Moon in Sagittarius on the 17th provides a spiritual catharsis surrounding a longstanding issue about your self-worth.
You may decide to sever ties with an employer if your time, effort, and skills aren't being valued. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, helping you gain clarity to areas of romance and dating. Exploring your attachment style and early childhood can refine you spiritually. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're open to learning through new experiences, places, and cultures. Traveling abroad is favored but just make sure to plan thoroughly as we gear up towards another Mercury retrograde in July. The month closes out with Mercury, planet of travel and communication, bringing your full attention to career matters. You've got potential to make some major moves during this transit. Believe in yourself and turn on your charm!
Sagittarius
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There's lots of action taking place with the Sun in your opposite sign this month. June begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd welcoming fresh beginnings when it comes to relationships. You may be meeting someone very special that could play a significant role in your life, whether romantic or platonic. Mercury moves into Cancer on the 4th and you're diving deep into your psyche, possibly with the assistance of a therapist or a trusted friend. Take a nurturing approach to the skeletons that hide in your closet instead of pretending they don't exist. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and love matters are getting serious. This energy could bring in a serious soulmate and some of you may even be tying the knot during this transit.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sign frees you up for the chains that bind you in mind, body, and spirit. You are feeling renewed and energized especially if you've been processing some heavy relationship karma.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months. You're encouraged to take this time exploring your roots and unraveling any generational patterns that are hindering you from evolving into a better version of yourself. We transition into Cancer season on the same day. You're focused on nurturing your closest connections with little to no interest in anything surface level. Any fears or unresolved emotions surfacing at this time are best dealt with a compassionate, gentle approach. Oftentimes, what we refer to as our inner demons are simply pieces of us that have gone forgotten that are waiting to be seen and heard.
Capricorn
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Happy June, Cappie! The month starts off with a sociable New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd encouraging you to start new habits and routines that support your well-being (particularly your nervous system). Mercury moves into your opposite sign on the 4th which can highlight some important conversations with key players in your life. You may find yourself readjusting your boundaries if you're not receiving the nurturing you desire from one of your close connections. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and a potential workplace romance is possible. Just be cautious when mixing business with pleasure. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius illuminates the mental and emotional patterns that have been keeping you stuck from expressing your truth.
This energy can be very revealing and if you have any hidden enemies in your midst, you'll know who they are around this time. Pay close attention to your dreams for insight at this time.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde and you'll be undergoing a deep metamorphosis in relation to your communication (not only with others but primarily with self). This is an opportune time to unpack your own personal narrative that doesn't allow you to see the truth of who you are at a soul level. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and your relationships take front and center stage during this transit. As we gear up towards eclipse season in July, you'll likely be weeding out connections that are no longer growing you. On the 26th, Mercury moves into Leo, activating a deep craving for soul-stirring connections that embrace all of what you are—both beauty and scars.
Aquarius
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The month begins with a flirtatious New Moon in your sister sign, Gemini, bringing in fresh beginnings in your dating life. Whether you're single or already coupled, romance is heating up this month as well as your creativity. Starting a new project is favorable at this time. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making you super busy at work. Just make sure you don't burn yourself out especially if you work in a care provider or healing profession. You can't pour from an empty cup! On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and your personal magnetism is out of the world. But, hey, you're an Aquarius, so if anyone can draw people in with their unique, quirky ways, it's you.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius lights up your social circle, making this a great night to connect with new and old friends alike. Sometimes this energy can result in severed ties if a connection to a group no longer aligns with your path. Let go with grace and love knowing that your tribe awaits you!
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months. This is an opportune time to explore your beliefs related to money and material possessions. It's time to transform that lack consciousness into one of abundance. If you haven't been seeing your worth very clearly, this transit can help clear out emotional residue that's tampering with your self-esteem. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day with your health and well-being taking precedence. Get that annual check up, try a detox, or get back to your fitness routine to keep yourself balanced. The month closes out with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, bringing up important conversations with key players in your life. Expect your relationships to be nothing less than entertaining during this transit. Easy on the drama though!
Pisces
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Welcome to June, Pisces! The month takes off with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, bringing your focus to family and home. You may be moving to a new place at this time or expanding your family. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sister sign, Cancer, making things steamy in the romance department. The cosmos are brewing with fertility for you, so if you're wanting to have a child, this is a great time to start planning. If you're not interested in kids, connecting with your inner child is equally as important for your creative expression and healing at this time.
Venus, planet of love and money, moves into Gemini on the 8th. New opportunities that allow you to work from home can come about. When it comes to love, you may be more interested in pillow talk than date nights.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius brings a peak experience related to career. Good news worth celebrating may be revealed around this time. Get ready to take things up a notch with this newfound success and leadership you're coming in to. If you're in a dead-end job, this energy can mark the finale as you venture off towards a better opportunity. Neptune goes retrograde on the 21st, which clears up a lot of shit for you. Whether you've been aimlessly wandering through life or skeptical about a relationship, this transit will help you get to the truth of the matter. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're feeling charged up. You've spent enough time indoors so get out there and engage with the world again. Many adventures await you if you're open to them.
The month winds down with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th making you super busy at work. Your hard work will not go unnoticed during this transit so don't be afraid to shine!
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The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
What The Holiday Season Can Reveal About Your Relationship
Ah yes. The holiday season. As far as (romantic) relationships go, it’s the time of year when people get engaged the most. Interestingly enough, because a lot of people don’t like to “rock the boat” too much during Christmastime, January is when divorces are filed the most often.
And honestly, in a roundabout way, it’s for both of these reasons that I think that, when you’re dating (especially seriously dating) someone, I believe that this is the time of year when you should especially take note of certain things. Because if there’s one time of year when you can get a real peep into what your future with someone could very possibly be like — between Thanksgiving and New Year’s would definitely be it.
Don’t believe me? Keep reading and I think that you’ll see exactly where I am coming from.
If They’re a “Holiday Person” or Not
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After almost two decades of working with couples, if there are three things that get totally underestimated during the dating process it’s sexual compatibility, having different faith mindsets, and how folks view holidays. And while the first two may make all of the sense in the world to you, if that last one is something that you think is no biggie — you are potentially setting yourself up for years of unnecessary stress, drama, and/or disappointment, if you don’t ponder how this can very much so become problematic.
Shoot, even on a friendship level, I had a friend who was pretty much obsessed with Christmas. I don’t observe holidays so, whenever she’d want me to come over for Christmas movies, loud Christmas music, and the baking of Christmas cookies and I passed or was less than enthusiastic, she was low-key triggered. That’s because a lot of people have many emotional things wrapped up into the holiday season: childhood memories, certain teachings, and sentimental expectations.
Anyway, if you’re someone who counts down to Christmas, your partner couldn’t care less and somehow you think that it will be smooth sailing for the rest of your life to be with someone like that — I’ll just say that I’ve had some clients who have ultimately broken up over that very issue. It’s because one felt overlooked while the other felt that they were being dramatic. And since Christmas — hell, all holidays — circle around every year…years of this led to a build-up of stress and resentment.
Moral to the story: might as well figure out now where both of you stand and, if you’re not on the same page of interest or enthusiasm, if there is room for compromise before jumping any broom.
If They’re Proactive or Reactive
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Although I don’t do holidays, I don’t know if it’s the Gemini in me or what but I am all-the-way-live about my birthday. That said, I once had a boyfriend who, while he was a nice guy, he absolutely sucked when it came to celebrating the one day that I actually care about. I mean, he was horrible at it. The reason he gave was his birthday wasn’t that big of a deal — and you know what? I absolutely don’t get what that has to do with me. Yeah, it’s kind of another article for another time that you should make sure that your partner isn’t so selfish that they think you should not expect certain things from them just because they’re not interested in them. Anyway, because this was his mindset, I can’t count one time when he was proactive about my birthday. Now, once he realized that either my feelings were hurt or I was irritated, here he would come with some sort of semi-plan — but why did it take that for him to show up for something that happens the same time annually? *le sigh*
The silver lining on this point is, that he’s the reason why I tell people all of the time to make sure that they pay attention to whether or not their partner is proactive vs. reactive during the dating process. What I mean by that is, do they think about what would bring a smile to your face all on their own or do they only do things to get out of the “dog house” on the back end?
And if holidays matter to you, there is no better time to pay close attention to this particular point: Are they offering to help with shopping or wrapping? Have they planned dates to get your mind off of potential holiday stress? Have they asked you to set aside time for them whether it’s during Christmas or in time for New Year’s? Or has it been crickets the entire time?
My late fiancé was a proactive man. I mean, even when I had a cold, this man would have flowers, orange juice, and meds waiting for me at my dorm (yep, even at that young of an age, he was on it). It’s one of the things that “sold” me to the concept of forever with him. People who move proactively have you on their minds and like to show it.
Reactive people are always trying to fix what could’ve been avoided…if they had only been proactive in the first place. BIG DIFFERENCE. And yes, the holidays typically tend to amplify all of this.
How Their Love Language Translates
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There is a wife in my life who once said something to me that I have shared before on this platform and I definitely make a point to share with all of my clients at one point or another. After a few decades of marriage and watching how her husband is reactive in many ways, I inquired how it made her feel. What she said was truly a mic drop moment: “I know that he loves me. He just doesn’t nourish or cherish me well.” She’s pulling that from Scripture: “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” (Ephesians 5:28-29 — NKJV)
One definition of nourish is “sustain with food or nutriment.” Her husband is a good provider, so I know what she meant was more in the lane of synonyms like cultivate, tend to, and comfort. He’s just not the “go above and beyond” kind of man.
As far as cherish, that means that someone “to care for tenderly; nurture.”
When it comes to your own relationship, one way that your own partner can nourish and cherish you is by speaking your love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts) — and the holiday season is a great time for them to do that. Even if they don’t have a ton of money, they can take you out on dates that have your love language in mind (check out “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language”). And while they’re doing that, you too can be figuring out how to become more fluent in the love language that they tend to resonate with the most.
Since December is reportedly the most romantic time of the year, if a man is gonna show up in this particular area, it’s usually gonna be now or bust. And that brings me to my next point.
If They’re Romantic
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I’m working with a client right now who is the absolute worst when it comes to romance. In his mind, if it’s not practical, it makes no sense to do it — whatever “it” may be. Because he’s a good husband in other areas, his wife has learned how to go without it; however, she has shared with me that if she could do things over again, she would’ve not married someone who didn’t have one romantic bone in his body because it has caused her to feel less appreciated than she thought that going without it would.
And just what does it mean to be a romantic individual? A very simple word encapsulates it pretty well: wooing. It’s what someone does to receive the — or when you’re in a relationship, more of the — affection, attention, admiration, and love of someone else.
Now we already know that one of the reasons why some people can seem romantic on the front end and then it falls off later is because they will amp up the “wooing” during dating and courtship and then get very comfortable after marriage. However, when someone is naturally romantic, more times than not, that isn’t the case. I know some husbands who are “strong wooers” to this day and it’s all because they are hard-wired to show their wives how much they mean to them on a pretty consistent basis.
Now, it’s another article for another time that it’s easier for a man to be romantic when women are wooing back (y’all ready to talk about that yet?). For instance, let’s not act like Valentine’s Day ain’t coming up soon and some of y’all think that it’s only about what you should be receiving and not also giving in return (sex is not a present, by the way). Yet the bottom line with this point is — watch if he woos or turns up the wooing. If he doesn’t and that really and truly bothers you, don’t ignore those feelings. “Forever” is a long time to go without getting something that you need and if romance is one of those things…take that very seriously.
(The husband I talked about has a hella surprise for his wife before the holidays are over, by the way. Counseling works! If there’s trouble in your relationship right now…get some.)
How They Are with Money
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Did you know that, reportedly, 25 percent of people are still trying to get rid of the debt that they received from holiday shopping last year? Yeah, that’s not good. And since financial stress, drama, and trauma continue to be a leading cause of why marriages end, you both need to pay attention to how y’all act in the mall and with your credit cards online right about now. Are either one of you impulsive spenders? Do either one of you take the attitude of “spend now, worry later”? This is a great time to talk about if you both are good at budgeting if you both have savings accounts (with actual money in it), and if you both use credit cards for emergencies more than anything else.
Since money is something that is an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people, it’s no shocker that many couples end up totally blindsided in marriage because they didn’t know certain things about how their partner got down when it comes to coins. Shoot, you’d be amazed by how many folks get up in arms whenever I ask them to show their partner their credit report during premarital sessions — umm, you’re going to be married to them. You don’t think they’re gonna eventually find out anyway? (What in the world?)
A lot of money moves around during the holiday season. This means that if there is a time when it doesn’t seem quite so “Why do you need to know that?” when it comes to spending habits and money mindsets, this would be it. Take advantage of it. The more you know about their money moves, the more clarity you’ll have about whether they’re a good fit for you — or not. Ask every divorced person you know how right I am on this one. They’ll tell you.
What Their Family Dynamic Is Like
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Family. Whew, chile. I remember when a guy — a guy who is now divorced, mind you — used to very arrogantly say, “I didn’t marry my wife’s family. I married her.” And while “leaving and cleaving” (Genesis 2:24-25) should indeed be a focus in any marriage, if you think that the person who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with will not have their relatives impact you on some level… “delusional” is a kind word for me to use. Listen, even if they are estranged from their family or their loved ones are deceased, the influence of those dynamics is still going to have a direct effect on you, one way or another.
That said, since most people are not in those “exclusive clubs,” if you are going to spend, at least a part of the holiday with your bae’s people, you need to pay close attention to how things go down. How folks communicate. If boundaries are respected. How you are spoken to and treated. What the family traditions are and if you are comfortable with them. If you see any red flags, that could make it difficult for you to interact with his family moving forward — and these are just a few examples of where I am coming from.
You know, it’s interesting. Although a leading cause for divorce continues to be what I just stated (finances), I semi-recently read a Forbes article that said the lack of family support is climbing up the ladder for why so many marriages are falling apart. This means that the whole “you and me against the world” mindset is slowly becoming more challenging to maintain because, some folks are realizing that, even when it comes to sustaining a marriage, it can “take a village” as far as having a solid support and encouragement system goes.
Now, can a marriage survive when there is familial conflict? So long as both people have really healthy boundaries, sure. Yet why would you choose to have that kind of relationship if you can be with someone where there is peace and harmony instead? And so, if the two of you are gonna be with either or both of your people this holiday season, pay close attention to the family dynamics and interactions. Family will always reveal a lot. I’ve dodged some major bullets by taking this point to heart. Boy, do I have some testimonies!
How Open They Are to Compromise
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Even with all that I just said, there is gonna be at least one of these categories where you both are going to have to be at least a little bit flexible — and that’s why I’m going to close this article out on that point. Some people are so “me-centered” that they don’t want a relationship; they want someone who is gonna be their hype man or hype woman…nothing more. And someone who isthat selfish? That is someone who needs to remain single.
And what does selfishness look like? Just for safe measure?
- Selfish people only care about their feelings, wants, and needs.
- Selfish people are poor listeners.
- Selfish people like to manipulate in order to get their way.
- Selfish people make plans that involve you without consulting with you first.
- Selfish people never know how to “go with the flow;” in other words, they are inflexible.
- Selfish people take more than they give.
- Selfish people like to hog all of the attention.
- Selfish people are not considerate of other people’s perspectives.
- Selfish people can’t take feedback and tend to not hold themselves accountable.
- Selfish people are self-consumed.
And if you think that you can build a strong, healthy, and lasting relationship with someone like that? Chile, I don’t see how — or more importantly, why you would even want to.
Listen, NOTHING reveals selfishness quite like the holidays do. So, definitely take this final point to heart. No matter how much you care about someone, if they are showing all kinds of signs of being a selfish individual, that’s typically not something that you can just “love away.” Remember that selfishness is about getting more…so if your partner shows himself to be hella selfish over the next several days, it might be time to do some slowing down NOT speeding up the relationship.
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Enjoy this holiday season, sis. Just make sure to use it as the “magnifying glass” that it is.
The good that you see — awesome.
The challenges that you see — do not ignore them.
The holidays are trying to do you a solid. Thank them for it.
They’ve actually got you…more than you know.
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