Recently, an xoNecole article was shared that illustrated the fact that women who make the first move on a man have greater dating success than women who don't. As per usual, the comment section exploded with different ideas and opinions. I commented myself, and to my surprise, I got the most reactions…namely the LOL Emoji. In so many words, I have had it with my own dating woes!
In today's day and age, dating has become a joke! Between not-so-undercover hookup sites like Tinder, Netflix and chill, and this thing called "pre-dates," scoring a great catch is harder and harder to do. Obviously we are not going back to the good old days of when people actually courted, and as gender roles continue to transform, we might as well get with the program.
Related: So, What's A Pre-Date Anyway?
I don't believe in the old construct that says a man should behave in this masculine way, and a woman should behave in this feminine way. As human beings, we all possess both energies whether you realize it or not. Sticking to the old paradigms of orchestrated gender roles is dated and one of the most non-progressive and devolving ideals anyone can subscribe to.
With that being said, women should make the first move on someone she's interested in more often. Personally, I feel like I'm only pursued by what seems like men I am not physically attracted to. Quite frankly, I am over it! This read will list reasons why women should make the first move, and suggest ways of doing so.
When Your Attractiveness Repels
One of the problems I have repeatedly found when it comes to finding someone to date, is that I am overwhelmingly hit on, or approached by men I am not physically attracted to. To clarify what I believe attraction means, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." For instance, I am completely enamored with Drake, but I have a bunch of friends who don't find him attractive at all! Hey - more Aubrey for me! But seriously, we as a culture get too caught up in putting people into boxes that everyone is supposed to check. The whole point of having preferences means you find what you find attractive. It is as simple as that.
I honestly think it is very fair to want authentic chemistry to exist between you and a man you are interested in. I know that I am a good looking woman, and I feel that I deserve an equally good looking man. To my surprise, many people think that this is shallow! My mom used to say marry an average looking guy because an attractive man will always know he can find and be wanted by a more attractive woman. My clapback has always been, "Well, thank God you didn't have that point of view when you met my Daddy!"
All jokes aside, if part of what I bring to the table is my looks, in my opinion, physical attraction is just another factor that needs to be reciprocated. If a man is confident in himself, I really do believe that most men would be flattered, more than turned off. You obviously don't want to be a goofball and do the most. Just be yourself. A closed mouth does not get fed.
Flirt Tip: When you find yourself in the presence of an attractive man at the gym, or your local coffee shop, don't shrink. If he doesn't have on a ring, what is there to be intimidated by? Why not compliment him? If you are on the timid side, find something about what he's wearing or doing to compliment him on. If you are more bold like me, say: "I must say, you are really handsome…" as you trap them with that hook line smile.
Don't Fall For Thirst Traps on Social Media. Genuinely Appreciate!
Apparently, some women feel like if they hit on a man, it will feel like they are desperate or thirst trapping. According to the handy dandy Urban Dictionary, to thirst trap means to post a "sexy photograph or flirty message posted on social media for the intent of causing others to publicly profess their attraction. This is done not to actually respond or satisfy any of this attraction, but to feed the posters ego or need for attention, at the expense of the time, reputation, and sexual frustration of those who view the image or reply."
I'm a firm believer that posting provocative photos on Instagram is not necessarily for the male gaze. Ownership of the female form is a trap for those that have sketch intentions to begin with. But what if the shoe is on the other foot? What if a person that you find attractive posts a potential "thirst trap" for the attention of his suitors? Is there a way of circumventing the trap?
Instead of feeding the ego of the person of interest, why not creep through his Instagram page and find something artistic, or a post that represents something very meaningful to him? Instead of making the comment public, why not just like the picture and find something genuinely insightful or kind to say, and slide it in those DMs?
Flirt Tip: Something that is more powerful than stroking anyone's ego, is acknowledging the person's accomplishments, talent, hussle, struggle, or dream in a real and thoughtful way. Whether on or off social media, if you are looking to make a move on somebody of interest, take the time to acknowledge something of importance to them.
Have Your Friend "Ask for A Friend"
Oftentimes, people end up together because they had a friend who had a friend. If you are looking to date somebody new, it could be totally convenient to already have a connection between friends. Have your bestie pull up her eligible list of of decent and "vibe approved" bachelors for you to do a little pre-screening, then have her nonchalantly send a text or message inquiring about their relationship status. Don't have them reveal that you already have your eyes on them. Tell your girl to say something like, "I have a friend who is casually dating, and I think y'all might hit it off."
See where the conversation leads from there, and then it's all in your hands like Allstate! Make sure not to get your hopes up because he might not be available, or perhaps you're not his type. If you turn down guys all the time, you should not be in your feelings at all if it's not a match…If that even happens.
Flirt Tip: Throw a little old school summer get together or house party, and make sure that all your single friends will be there, and have them invite their friends. Be sure not to fall too much in the category of Matchmaker, just let nature take its course.
Look For Prospective Partners With Purpose
Going to a club, the gym, or to your local bar might not be the best place to meet someone of substance. Why not scope out a new guy in an atmosphere with "prime real estate?" Attend art exhibits, car shows, open mics, and spoken word slams etc. Search Facebook or Timeout for events that draw a certain crowd. When you get there, grab you a little drink to nurse, just enough to get a little nice and just flaunt in your divine feminine glow. As you flow around the event, keep your vibe receptors open for good energy and raw chemistry.
It's very likely that someone you find attractive will be there kinda doing the same thing. You might not even actually have to be the one to make the first move because it will happen organically. You will have plenty of conversation starters, being that you are at an event that has something to be observed... besides that fine ass man standing over there by the stage.
Flirt Tip: If you are bold enough and find yourself at a distinguished event with a bar, why not send the person who's been giving you looks the whole night whatever he's been drinking? The whole point of making a move is not expecting anything life changing. For all you know, it could just end up being an innocent and chatty conversation...or he'll be making your hotline bling soon enough!
Making the first move does not have to be such a big deal! It's about living in the present, and experiencing your life in the now moments. Instead of hitting that 'Decline' button on all those unwanted DMs, how about you just bust a move of your own…
Want more stories like this? Check out these xoNecole related reads:
Featured image by Shutterstock