Willow Smith’s Relationship Preference Has Us Asking Questions About Polyamory
Leave it to the ladies sitting at the red table to shed some light on a juicy topic courtesy of wise-beyond-her-years Willow Smith. It was last year when the 20-year-old first identified herself as polyamorous, but last week she followed up that confession with an in-depth chat on Facebook Watch's Red Table Talk with her cohosts.
"With polyamory, I feel like the main foundation is the freedom to be able to create a relationship style that works for you and not just stepping into monogamy because that's what everyone around you says is the right thing to do," she explained to her mom, Jada Pinkett Smith and her grandmother, Adrienne Banfield-Norris.
"So, I was like, 'How can I structure the way that I approach relationships with that in mind?' Also, doing research into polyamory, the main reasons why monogamous relationships — or why marriage, why divorces happen — is infidelity."
BTW in case, you were wondering…
Polyamorous: characterized by or involved in the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
Willow was sure to clear up any misunderstandings around polyamory that are often chalked up to promiscuity, which is not the case. According to her, it's a "natural way" to approach romantic bonds where needs are met without relying solely on one person.
Jada's reaction?
"When you were like, 'Hey, this is my get down', I was like, 'I totally get it.' Wanting to set up your life in a way that you can have what it is that you want, I think anything goes as long as the intentions are clear. You know what I mean?"
Gammy seemed accepting too once she got the scoop on how it all works. Willow's polyamory confession definitely sparks a conversation around the relationship status considered taboo by some and completely natural by others. Even the New York Times did an expose exploring how and why polyamorous relationships work for some.
Now that Willow has thrust the subject into the limelight once again, we asked men and women this: Do you agree with Willow that it's the most natural approach to romantic relationships, or are multiple intimate relationships just "entanglements"?
Here's what they had to say.
As a Person of Faith, I Don't Believe In It
"As a person of faith, I don't believe in polyamorous relationships for myself. I want my significant other to be devoted to the union we have and to honor the intimacy that only we share together. I understand why others may not feel the same, and I completely get that for them. I respect that everyone wants different things, so as long as both parties are on the same page and create boundaries and agreements upfront, I can see that working for others." —Valentina Gonzalez, 31, Digital Marketing Manager
My Man Is My Man
"Multiple intimate relationships are indeed 'entanglements'. Once you are involved with multiple people and it's intense, romantic, and emotional, it gets complicated; because you are now obligated to play a role. I don't believe in polyamory, my man is my MAN. And that's on that.
"The most natural approach to a romantic relationship is casual dating. No serious attachment, you put your feelings aside, maybe no sex?. You are not committed to this one individual, therefore you can explore (in a safe and mature way) meeting new people, learning about yourself, where you have an idea of who and what you want [in a monogamous relationship.]" —Kateri Fischer, BET, On-Air Promo
It’s Certainly Not for the Insecure
"[Polyamory] I often feel is based on how secure you are emotionally as a person and it's certainly not for the insecure or the jealous. If love is to be shared physically and emotionally, be prepared to be left out sometimes and feel no way about it. Just enjoy knowing that you have more than one escape." —James Cameau, 30, Behavioral Health Therapist
It’s Hard to Believe That It’ll Work
"Before watching this episode of Red Table Talk, I was like... 'that sounds a lot like being single or an open relationship…' After watching this episode I think it's a great way to be open about your relationships with all the people you love. It's hard to believe that it'll work because: 1) Who has time to dedicate all that energy to all those people EQUALLY. I barely have time for myself.
"[And] 2) Jealousy and commitments sound like blurred lines in these arrangements because naturally I think people want to feel like a priority not an option. Even after explaining that all your partners hold different spaces in your heart and mind, I'd still feel a void. Part of love/loyalty is not only being there when you want to be but when you need to be. But I respect the foundation of honesty in this approach. So more power to it!" —Hala Maroc, 29, Multimedia Personality
Multiple Partners Consumes Both My Time and Money
"I'm personally not into polyamorous relationships. I understand for myself I like monogamous, exclusive relationships. I think juggling multiple women or partners consumes both my time and money, so I'd rather stick to one partner and focus on building the best life with one person." ––Jeffrey DeRose, 31, Startup Advisory Group Founder
Understand What It's Really About
"I think that honestly people should just do what works for them. I think polyamory is meant for procreation benefits, financial benefits and supportive benefits as well. Our partners aren't meant to be everything but that is why we have friendships outside of our relationships.
"To me, having friends with different intimate bonds allows us to take pressure off our romantic relationship. It's about trust and security in yourself, your partner and your relationship to have these kinds of outside bonds. If people can handle it, then sure, but they should make sure they understand what it's really about. It's more than just sex." —Amiyah Deziire, Author, Midnight Confessions
I’m Too Selfish for All That
"I personally could never, I'm too selfish for all that. However, I'm not one to judge how other people choose to navigate their own personal relationships. What other people do in their bedrooms is none of my business." —Tiffany Ervin, 30, Visual Artist
I Don’t Think There Is Such a Thing as “Most Natural”
"I have nothing against polyamory and those that believe in it, but it's not for me. Personally, I don't have the desire for more than one person at a time, nor the energy. I like the idea of having a special connection with only one other person, and I'm completely satisfied by that. I don't agree that it's the most natural approach to relationships, and I don't think there is such a thing as 'most natural.' I believe what's natural is completely subjective to the person/people involved." —Evans Alexandre, 27, Photographer/Photo Editor
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Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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