7 Ways To Step Into 2021. Bolder And Better.
I must admit that I'm not the biggest fan of New Year's resolutions. The main reason why is because, if you think that something is gonna miraculously change by waiting until January 1 to do something, that already has you in a pretty unrealistic state of mind. What I mean by that is, waiting until some specific date to accomplish a goal is not only low-key procrastination but a pretty futile ambition because, if you want to see real progress, a profound key to making that happen is seizing the moment that you're currently in—you need to prepare to take steps towards your growth and evolution, just as soon as possible.
It probably is a major understatement for most that 2021 can't get here soon enough. Yet please don't wait until then before doing what needs to be done to walk into it with a clear, solid and resilient state of mind. Yeah, if you want next year to be your best one yet, here are seven suggestions that can definitely help to make that happen…if you act—now.
1. Create Spiritual and Emotional Mission Statements
Most folks have heard of a professional mission statement that companies create. While it can serve a myriad of different purposes, the main one is to keep everyone involved clear on the purpose of the business and the overall goals that the company ultimately wants to achieve. Well, for these same reasons, I think it's super important to also have a personal mission statement; it's so we, as individuals, can also have clarity on what our purpose is and what we want to personally accomplish too. Because there are so many layers to our lives, over the years, I've come to realize that sometimes one personal mission statement isn't enough. What I mean by that is, sometimes, our "missions" need to be broken down into various categories. And if there are two that I think are super important, it's a spiritual and emotional mission statement.
What does that even mean? Well, what do you want to accomplish when it comes to your personal development on the spiritual tip? Do you want to pray more? Meditate more? Figure out what works for you when it comes to the faith you grow up in vs. the person you are now? Have you ever really sat and pondered what it means to have a spirit or soul or now to nurture either or both (check out "Here's Exactly How To Start Protecting Your Spirit" and "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul"). Do you desire for your romantic relationship to become more spiritual in the upcoming months? Emotionally, how do you want to handle your emotions in the new year? Because, contrary to popular belief, while emotions are important, we do have more power over how we react to what we are feeling than a lot of us realize. Plus, when we're paying close attention, our emotions can give us a heads up on some of the patterns we're repeating, red flags that we're ignoring or decisions that we should be making.
Again, a mission statement speaks to having a purpose and then setting goals around it. So, why not think about what purpose your spiritual and emotional facets of your life should serve in 2021 and what you would like to say transpired in both areas by the time 2022 gets ready to show up?
2. Put Together a Pampering Plan
Someone on the xoNecole team (who I won't put on blast, but she knows who she is), when I first came on board, we used to talk about the importance of pampering. It was kinda crazy to me, how much she struggled with even grasping the concept of participating in this form of self-care. But you know what? When you really stop to think about it, how many of us can raise our hands and honestly say that pampering is something that was taught to us while growing up? Boy, do I wish that I could find for y'all a tweet that I saw several weeks ago of the cutest little Black girl who had a turban on her head, candles all around her, and was sitting in a tub that was filled with flower petals. Sis couldn't have been more than five or six and man, do I salute her mom for modeling the importance of engaging in that kind of self-love, at such an early age.
Being a Black woman in this world—and especially America—is both powerful and draining at the same time. And so even though pampering is literally "to treat with excessive indulgence", it still shouldn't be seen or treated as a luxury. When you are extremely focused on taking care of yourself, it de-stresses you, it elevates your self-esteem, it creates (or solidifies) a standard for what you expect out of your life, it energizes you and it brings you peace.
So yeah, you definitely need to go into 2021 with a clear plan for how you want to pamper yourself. This should include putting together a pampering budget and also a pampering schedule. For instance, while I care for my own hair at home and I'm actually not big on massages (I know, right?), I'm not missing a nail or eyebrow appointment and that's period.
2020 threw us all kinds of curve balls. Hopefully, something that we learned from them is we shouldn't wait until we're totally spent to care for ourselves. A plan should already be in place so that, no matter what comes our way, we already know that a hair appointment, a facial, a massage, a mani/pedi—something is just a few days away to get us off of the grid. What will that be for you next year?
3. Get Clear on What Your Job vs. Your Career Is
Wanna know a very telling sign that you have matured as an adult? It's when you stop being dependent on other people (parents included) in order to take care of yourself (unless you're in dire straits, of course); it's when you accept that a part of what comes with growing up is doing what needs to be done, whether you always, automatically or necessarily want to do it—or not.
This is where learning the difference between having a job and developing your career comes in. There is someone in my world who is a bona fide creative. Problem is, they are constantly in a creative cul-de-sac because they are so focused on wanting to do nothing but music that they never have enough money to fund their dream; that's because they are always quitting a job because it has nothing to do with their creativity (see what I mean about the cul-de-sac)? The mature approach to this is not, "This job has nothing to do with what I really want to do, so I quit." The much wiser hot take is, "My job helps to pay my bills, invest in my dreams and take the stress off of me so that I can someday do what I want to do, full-time."
Many studies indicate that as much as 85 percent of people hate their jobs. I can only imagine that a lot of folks do because all they think about is "I need it to pay the bills" instead of figuring out how they can make their job fit into their purpose while putting together a time management plan so that they can devote some time, on a daily or weekly basis, to make their dreams and desires come true; if not immediately, in due time.
Walking into your office every day, saying "I hate my job" on repeat is not gonna benefit you one bit. Instead, decide that next year is going to be about using your job to make your career thrive. So that purpose, come 2022, things can look very different for you on the professional front.
4. Set Some Skin, Hair and Nails Goals
An author by the name of Michael Korda once said, "One way to keep momentum going is to have constantly greater goals." When you read that, I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that you didn't think about this as it relates to your skin, hair and nails. Oh, but I think that you definitely should.
Recently, I had a conversation with an older friend of mine about how it fascinates me that we as Black women can go 20 years looking like we're 35-40 and then one day—BAM! We look 65 (even if we aren't quite there yet). While there is nothing wrong with that (because aging is a blessing), I do think that a part of the reason why that can happen is we take our own melanin for granted. We walk around here on the "Black don't crack" tip, assuming that we don't have to do as much maintenance/upkeep as "other folks" do; then we end up with fine lines, age spots and a loss of elasticity that could've been avoided had we be more proactive.
Your skin is the biggest organ that you have. Your hair is your crowning glory. There is something so feminine and beautiful about well-manicured nails. Not too long ago, I checked out an article on Simone Williams. If you've never heard of her before, she's currently the title holder for having the biggest Afro in the world. Do you really think that she didn't have some hair goals to make that happen (an article that might be able to help you in this area is "Looking For Hair Growth? It Might Be Time To Bring 'Blue Magic' Back")?
A lot of us want clear skin, longer hair and bangin' nails. Those things don't just automatically happen; you need to have a plan and that includes creating short and long-term goals for all three. So, make sure that at some point, before this year closes out, you jot down what you want for your own skin, hair and nails. Make sure to reward yourself in some way for reaching every milestone too. If you do, you might be floored by how different you look, come this time next year. Real talk.
5. Go on a “People Fast”
There's a filmmaker here in Nashville by the name of Molly Secours who once said something to me that I will pull up in my mental Rolodex and personally apply from time to time—"I'm going to get still and quiet and see what comes to me." While, in many ways, introverts and ambiverts fared pretty well during this pandemic (on the social front because we don't really pull our energy from others in the first place), I totally get that it was probably a bit of a struggle for extroverts. Plus, being on lockdown really did take not being around a lot of people to the utmost extreme.
That's why I get it if some of you read this particular point and said to the screen, "Are you f—king kidding me?" However, just because you may not have been in a lot of people's physical presence, that doesn't mean that Zoom calls, Facetiming and constantly being on social media and reading emails weren't on a totally different level.
None of us are an island. We need human interaction and relationships. At the same time, if you don't take a break from folks from time to time, they can start to drain you, their conversations can start to feel more like background noise and you can find yourself becoming resentful because there aren't any healthy boundaries in place (including the art of knowing how and when to say "no"). I do people fasting a few times a year and it's one of the best practices that I've put into my life. It gives me time to journal. To reflect. To figure out what relationships (professional and personal) are benefitting me and which aren't. You can never go wrong with getting quiet sometimes. Find at least a long weekend to put your phone on silent, to not check your social media or email, and just chill with yourself. One way or another, everyone who you interact with will only benefit from it because you did.
6. Cultivate a Sleep Ritual
Even if you Kanye shrugged your way through this entire article, I am urging you to strongly take this point into some serious consideration. As if it shouldn't be alarming enough that sleep deprivation can result in things like severe mood swings, a weakened immune system, a lower libido, high blood pressure, a lack of concentration and productivity and an increased risk of heart disease and diabetes, not getting at least 6-8 hours a night can also lead to brain damage. No joke.
Just like it's insane that a lot of us think that pampering is some sort of luxury rather than a sho 'nuf necessity, it's even weirder that some people treat sleep in the same fashion. Listen, when it comes to your overall health and well-being, it's not about not having time to go to bed, on a schedule, each and every night—it's about whether you are gonna make it a priority or not.
As you're figuring out what you actually need as you prepare to step into the new year, set aside some coins to get some new bedding; to play some rain or ocean ASMR videos (YouTube has a ton of commercial-free ones); to rub your feet down with some lavender or chamomile essential oil (both will calm you; make sure to put some on your sheets while you're at it); to stop eating and drinking around two hours before turning in (and if you are going to drink something, consider having some herbal tea or tart cherry juice); to turn off all devices that have an on-off switch and read a book or just chill out instead; to consider taking a magnesium/calcium/zinc supplement (it's a natural nerve and muscle relaxant), and if someone is in the bed with you, to maybe get an orgasm or two in. Creating a sleep ritual can make getting up every day so much easier. It can actually extend the length of your days on this earth too. And that should be an annual goal for all of us, wouldn't you say?
7. Figure Out What You Need. DON’T SETTLE EITHER.
Just recently, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about needs in relationships. When I said, "I need certain things from all of my friends", initially she offered pushback by saying she doesn't really "need" anything from anyone. I know this person well and there are walls that have gone up due to years of not having needs met, so she's programmed herself into thinking that needs and being needy are one in the same. They absolutely are not.
We need food, water and shelter in order to survive. Well, if we want our relationships to thrive, there are certain things that they need too. I don't just mean personal friendships; professional ones have certain requirements as well. And so yeah, I'm gonna close this particular article out by encouraging you to really think about what you need from those around you because 1) it's not people's fault that you aren't getting what you need from them if you're not telling them what that is and 2) there's no point in remaining in certain relationships if your needs are constantly being overlooked. Right?
No matter what this crazy world that we are living is has going on, you can soar like you never have before by simply tending to some specific areas of your life. As someone who has applied all seven of these in 2020 and, for the most part, had an extreme peace-filled year, please consider doing some of this in preparation for what is to come. 2021. Can you believe it? Yeah, me neither.
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Black women are not a monolith. We all are deserving of healing and wholeness despite what we've been through, how much money we have in the bank, or what we look like. Most importantly, we are enough—even when we are not working, earning, or serving.
Welcome to Black Girl Whole, your space to find the wellness routine that aligns with you! This brand-new marketplace by xoNecole is a safe space for Black women to activate their healing, find the inspiration to rest, and receive reassurance that we are one small act away from finding our happiness.
Want to discover where you are on your wellness journey? You don't have to look far. In partnership with European Wax Center, we're bringing you a customized wellness quiz to help you up your wellness game. Answer our short series of questions to figure out which type of wellness lover you are, what you need to bring more balance into your life, and then go deeper by shopping products geared towards clearing your mind, healing your body, and soothing your spirit.
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Have you ever wondered what it's like to be asexual and in an open marriage? Relationship Coach Mikki Bey shared her first-hand experience with us as well as answered some of our burning questions.
Like a lot of people, Mikki met her now husband, Raheem Ali, online. As soon as they met, they instantly fell in love and got engaged on their first date. Just 90 days after they met, the couple tied the knot and have now been married for seven years. Raheem and Mikki aren’t your typical married couple, and despite being married for almost a decade, their marriage is anything but traditional. Mikki and Raheem have what she calls an "asexual polyamorous marriage."
Defining Her Sexuality
It wasn't until last summer that Mikki found the language to define her sexuality. "I didn't have the language for it until last summer," she explained to xoNecole. "Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing.”
Mikki always thought she was broken because she had no interest in sex. Mikki noticed after her friends came to visit and started discussing their sexual fantasies that she realized something was different about her. “At that point, I knew something was definitely different about me since I do not have sexual fantasies at all. It was truly news to me that people are at work thinking about sex! That was not my experience.” This led to Mikki researching asexuality, which she soon realized fit her to a T. “It felt like breathing new air when I was able to call it by name," said Mikki.
"Looking back, I just thought sex wasn't my thing. It was never enjoyable for me, and I'd go years without even noticing it."
Asexuality refers to people who experience little or no sexual attraction, experience attraction without acting on it sexually, or experience sexual attraction differently based on other factors. Like most things, asexuality falls on a spectrum and encompasses many other identities. It's important to remember, however, that attraction and action are not always synonymous: some asexuals may reject the idea of sexual contact, but others may be sex-neutral and engage in sexual activity.
It's possible that some asexuals will have sex with someone else despite not having a libido or masturbating, but others will have sex with a partner because it brings a sense of connection.
From a Traditional Marriage to Kitchen Table Polyamory
Although Mikki never really had a high sex drive, it wasn’t until after the birth of her son, that she noticed her sex drive took a real nosedive. “I never had a high sex drive, but about a year after my son was born, I realized I had zero desire. My husband has a high sex drive, and I knew that it would not be sustainable to not have sex in our marriage at that time.”
She was determined to find an alternative to divorce and stumbled upon a polyamory conversation on Clubhouse. Upon doing her own research, she brought up the idea to their husband, who was receptive. “It’s so interesting to me that people weigh sex so heavily in relationships when even if you are having a ton of sex, it’s still a very small percentage of the relationship activity," Mikki shared.
They chose polyamory because Mikki still wanted to be married, but she also wanted to make sure that Raheem was getting his individual needs and desires met, even if that meant meeting them with someone else. “I think that we have been programmed to think that our spouses need to be our 'everything.' We do not operate like that. There is no one way that fits all when it comes to relationships, despite what society may try to tell you. Their path to doing this thing called life together may be different from yours, but they found what works for them. We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us,” Mikki explained.
"We have chosen to design a marriage that works for us. We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sex partners to lifetime partners if it should go there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it."
She continued, “We both consent to each of us having everything from casual sexual partners to lifetime partners if it should get there. We believe love is abundant and do not limit ourselves or each other on how we express it. Our dynamic is parallel with kitchen table poly aspirations.”
Kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous relationship in which all participants are on friendly terms enough to share a meal at the kitchen table. Basically, it means you have some form of relationship with your partner’s other partner, whether as a group or individually. A lot of times, KTP relationships are highly personal and rooted in mutual respect, communication, and friendship.
Intimacy in an Asexual Polyamorous Marriage
Mikki says she and her husband, Raheem, still share intimate moments despite being in a polyamorous marriage. “Our intimacy is emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical, although non-sexual. We are intentional about date nights weekly, surprising and delighting each other daily, and most of all, we communicate our needs regularly. In my opinion, our intimacy is top-tier! I give my husband full-body massages, mani-pedis and make sure I am giving him small physical touches/kisses throughout the day. He is also very intentional about showing me his love and affection.”
Raheem and Mikki now use their lives as examples for others. On their website, thepolycouplenextdoor.com, they coach people interested in learning how to be consensually non-monogamous. “We are both relationship coaches. I specialized in emotional regulation, and Raheem specializes in communication and conflict resolution. The same tools we use in our marriage help our clients succeed in polyamory."
Mikki advises people who may be asexual or seeking non-monogamy to communicate their needs openly and to consider seeking sex therapy or intimacy coaching. Building a strong relationship with a non-sexual partner requires both empathy and compassion.
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