If conflict happens in your friendship, are you the friend who confronts the issue head-on or secretly wishes it resolves itself? Hopefully, you chose the first option. Hear me out: your friendship needs confrontation.
Your tribe is one of the best reflections of you. They are the friends with whom you choose to "do life with," the ultimate chosen family.
Your friends are your cheerleaders, strength, or, my favorite, our "Atticus Finch" when necessary. But true friendships aren't always smooth sailing. Conflict arises, and confrontation is needed.
Confrontation is a crucial aspect that can strengthen the bond between friends, even if the idea of it might make us uncomfortable. It is simply a growing pain.
I have learned that confrontation separates communicators from non-communicators and the emotionally mature from the emotionally immature.
Takisha Brooks
Courtesy
"When it comes to confrontation, people view it as a situation where someone has to leave hurt and underneath [or at the bottom]," said Takisha Brooks, MSMFT, LMFT-A.
"Confrontation is about coming together to address what happened and determine the next steps for our friendship. You don't want to get stuck on 'my way versus your way.'"
She also noted that confrontation only works if you know how to communicate and listen effectively.
Brooks is an Associate Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Chicago who loves working with couples. She focuses on communication, intimacy, parenting, and friendships.
Outside the office, Brooks facilitates marriage retreats and seminars for couples and is a part-time content creator.
The Common Misconception of Confrontation
When people hear "confrontation," they often think of arguments, raised voices, hurt feelings, or worse...a Miami Girls' Trip (the epitome of confrontation). This negative stigma makes many fear it will harm their friendship rather than help it.
"The biggest misconception about confrontation is that every time we have a disagreement, and we don't agree on everything, then we don't go forward.
It feels like when you have a confrontation, it will be the last conversation we will have with this person," Brooks explained.
"Confrontation isn't the end. Instead, you're going to address and acknowledge the elephant standing between you and me," she added.
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Furthermore, people associate confrontation with conflict, but they are not the same. Conflict implies a serious disagreement that can lead to a rift, while confrontation is simply addressing an issue directly to find a resolution.
"There's a connection between the two, but they are not the same," Brooks revealed.
"Confrontation makes it scarier because you're going to take action. You can have conflict without taking any sort of action. It will sit there, but that's not the case if you confront what's happening," she continued.
Understanding this distinction is essential for appreciating the role of confrontation in friendship.
Why Healthy Confrontation is Good for Your Friendship
Brooks shared that "healthy confrontation" is good and necessary for friendship because it opens up lines of communication.
It allows friends to express their feelings and needs honestly. Addressing issues head-on shows respect for the friendship and a desire to improve it.
Confrontation also strengthens a friendship by building trust and showing that you value the relationship enough to work through difficulties together.
"Healthy confrontation solidifies the reality that I can trust this person...a friend...that I am doing life with compared to a moment or a season," she said.
Additionally, confrontation helps with boundaries or "safety nets," as Brooks put it.
The Negative Impact of Avoiding Confrontation
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Avoiding confrontation can negatively impact your friendship. When you don't address issues, it can lead to a buildup of resentment and frustration.
This can create a wedge between friends, causing them to drift apart. Minor annoyances can snowball into bigger problems if not dealt with early on. Not to mention, are you truly friends if you can't talk about your issues?
"The more you avoid having hard conversations, the less you can actually enjoy being in the friendship. You will not be able to enjoy that friendship to its full potential, and it will end prematurely," stated Brooks.
"Furthermore, if you have difficulty confronting issues, you must find their voice and understand the difference between being assertive and aggressive," she advised. "You can do it respectfully."
She advised choosing the right time and place, making sure both parties are calm and ready to talk, and lastly, having the conversation.
Confrontation is not about fighting; it's about communicating. It's a necessary part of any healthy friendship. By addressing issues directly, friends can clear the air, better understand each other, and grow closer.
It's about creating a space where both parties feel heard and valued.
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For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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