Why We Sometimes Choose The Wrong Partner

Why We Sometimes Choose The Wrong Partner


All right ladies, let's make a pact right now that before we go any further into this new year, we're going to be explicitly honest with ourselves in every area of our lives.

That means, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. While we're being honest, let's get super intentional about pinpointing, accepting, and actively dealing with the root of our own issues. Not just the symptoms. One of the areas where we could all probably afford to take another look at is our relationships. In the modern age of hookups and situationships, I'll be the first to admit that I've been somewhat unlucky in love. It seems as if I'm always running into men who either: Say they see me as their girlfriend but then don't put forth any action behind it or approach me only wanting one thing (and you can take a guess at what that is).

The latter of which I'm not necessarily mad at because I'd rather know upfront what they're after and reject their advances than to be emotionally manipulated only to be hoodwinked down the line.

What this has taught me is that sometimes the light we innately carry attracts drainers as well as sustainers.

But whether or not we entertain them, meaning enter into a relationship, is totally up to us. To put it plainly, it's one thing to ATTRACT wrong whether knowingly or unknowingly, but it's another to actually CHOOSE IT. It's one thing to respond back to that DM from the guy you know is no good. But it's another to know he's no good, dive headfirst into a relationship, and act surprised when he does you like the last girl.

It's time out for finding out that your man is your man and hers too. It's time out for consistently being with someone who always withdraws but never deposits. And it's more than time out for unrequited effort, love, and consistency in 2019 as a result of picking the wrong partner. So, to help you break the cycle, check out these underlying sources that may be at the root of your problems.

You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Have Fixer/Savior Syndrome

One reason why you may find yourself consistently meeting a less than stellar match, is because you lowkey thrive on having a partner you can either save from themselves or one that you view as a project. Being the person that your partner "changed for" speaks to the unspoken longing to feel needed and validated in love. When this particular partner exhibits unsavory behaviors, all of sudden you either take up your cross or become Iyanla 2.0. But what happens when and if your partner doesn't feel the need to change or just downright refuses?

The long-term complications can result in low self-esteem and resentment because you ascribed your value to who you could fix. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever improve on yourself for the benefit of the relationship, but what I am saying is that you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem in what they're doing. Save yourself the time and energy, sis. It's not your job to "fix" a man, that's what therapy, prayer, and alkaline water is for. It's also not your job to save him from his own worst behaviors. Jesus did that over 2,000 years ago and for you non-religious folks, heed the warning of J. Cole: Don't save him. He don't want to be saved, love.

You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Take Potential at Face Value

Another reason that may stand in the way of finding your forever partner is the fact that you're constantly persuaded by potential. I feel like I could write a whole book on this alone. The fact of the matter is, we ALL were born with potential. Like seriously. No man (or woman, for that matter) should get props or special access to you just because they have the potential to be somebody or do something great. That ability is built in us all and has been since the day we took our first breath.

The thing that matters most though, is what we do with it. And the same goes for your significant other. Are they harnessing that potential into something tangible or is every big idea just an idea with no follow-through? Don't excuse his behavior or lack thereof because of who he might be. We all have potential, you ain't special, boo.

You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re Lonely

Hey, I get it. Cuffing season is a big deal for many of us and there's nothing like being cozied up with that special someone. The feeling of knowing you have somebody who makes your hotline bling can be very addicting. And if you've been experiencing a drought in your dating life, loneliness can drive you to choosing and getting with someone you otherwise would not.

Never forget that while you may be alone, you have a choice on whether or not to feel lonely. Call up your friends to see if you can hang out or go out for and if they're boo'd up, get out that planner and vision board. Start manifesting some stuff. Your life and love life can change in an instant, but you can't attract #BetterBae if you're caught up being #LonelyBae. I know it might be tough right now, but remember seasons always change.

You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re a People-Pleaser

Let's do a quick poll: If you've ever gotten with somebody based off the suggestion of your friends, put one finger in the air. If that endeavor turned out badly yet they insisted you give it another shot and you did, add another finger. If you've dated someone just because they looked good on paper, add one more. If you've ever gotten with someone based off the suggestion of your parents, let another finger rise. If you've ever gotten with someone for the sake of looking good on the 'Gram, raise yet another. Now if you're holding a high-five, I have five words for you: DON'T. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN.

It's time to dead the practice of getting with somebody in order to appease other people's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. People are going to talk, whether you're doing good or bad. Whether you're in a happy relationship or not. Whether you're dating someone who actually complements you or not. People are fickle, that's just how we're made. In 2019, we've got to stop living for people who aren't even checking for us. And that's that on that.

You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Don’t Trust Your Intuition

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of listening to that small voice on the inside. You know, the voice that's often the voice of reason and sometimes reckoning. When it comes to figuring out why you keep choosing lousy lovers, it may be as simple as ignorance of your intuition. Defined by Webster as an "immediate apprehension or cognition without reasoning or inferring," doubting this sense can lead to detrimental effects.

You know when you should take a step back to look at things for what they really are. You know that if your partner's words and actions don't line up, something in the milk isn't clean. You know when something feels a lot more like hurt and less like love. But you should also know that when you've been doing the inner work towards leveling up, your spirit will never steer you wrong. You've just gotta have the faith, confidence, and the audacity to fully walk in it. Trust yo' self, sis.

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Featured image by Getty Images

A Black man, R. Kelly, stands in a court room, wearing an orange jumpsuit with his hands handcuffed behind his back, accompanied by a police officer in a green uniform, bulletproof vest and gun.

*Editors note: this article contains information about sexual assault, child pornography and rape. Please read with care. If you have experienced sexual violence and are in need of crisis support, please call the RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-784-2433.

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