

Picture this. It was a beautiful summer night near the water. He held her close as he gazed into her eyes. She stroked his face before leaning into his kiss. That night, they fell in love. Or did they? While the idea that the couple was destined to fall for each other is enchanting, chances are there are other reasons for human attraction (feelings of falling in love). And some are quite interesting.
As it turns out, the reasons people fall for one another may have less to do with destiny and more to do with biological, psychological, and environmental factors such as attraction, timing, and...owning a dog?
1.Ring by spring. Love forecast.
Shutterstock
Is it possible for warm weather (read: springtime) to have an affect on your love life? Some say yes. A recent blog post shared research from neuroscientists who claim that springtime is the best season for a new relationship to bloom. Naturally, as the days get longer, skirts get shorter, meaning not much is left to the imagination in the fashion department. People wear less clothes and thus, sexual attraction/desires increase. Have you ever noticed that more than flowers bloom in the spring? Online dating app, Zoosk, compared data from ten major cities to see how changes in the weather affected their users.
2.Sex, passion, and physical touch.
Listen, you had me at sex. Not that we actually needed science to tell us that sex produces feelings of love, but as it turns out, there actually is science to support this claim. Well, kinda. Our bodies churn out chemical messengers known as pheromones when we are in close proximity to one another. Therefore, physical contact where there is an exchange of bodily fluids such as sweat or saliva is present manufactures these chemicals. Additionally, sex produces oxytocin, commonly referred to as the love hormone during orgasm and replicates feelings of love but is more likely creating an attachment than actual love.
3.Kissing.
While this may seem obvious, there's actually a more biological reason why kissing increases attraction. Male saliva contains trace amounts of testosterone which can boost the sex drive of a woman. Additionally, evolutionary scientists believe women can detect genetic compounds that are essential for the immune system and will increase their chances of having healthy children. Now if that's not a good reason to spark a makeout session, then I don't know what is.
4.Menstrual cycle (for women).
Did you know that changes in your hormonal levels at different points in your menstrual cycle can trigger certain urges/outcomes? For example, women that are ovulating are rated as being more attractive by men. That's certainly an ego-boost if nothing else, especially when we feel anything but attractive while coping with cramps and excessive water retention. But that's not the only weird side effect of menstruation. A 2012 study found another useful occurrence in women who were strongly bonded to their partner and experienced more intimate physical contact with them during high fertility days of their cycle.
5.The Holy Trinity of Intimacy.
Shutterstock
Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love proposes that love consists of three elements: passion, intimacy, and commitment, with commitment as the foundational basis and passion being the most unstable. Intimacy refers to the closeness between partners with regard to emotional connection, while passion is more aligned with feelings gained through a sexual connection.
The element of commitment is when partners make a decision to "stop looking" for other partners and pursue a relationship with each other. While each component is separate, they can influence each other. For example, having greater intimacy can lead to more commitment and vice versa. Sternberg's theory can be summed up with the idea that a relationship can exist with a combination of any two (or less) elements, but for a consummate love, all three aspects are required.
6.Tug of war.
There's a popular saying that opposites attract, but the Bible says you must be equally yoked. So which one is? Actually, it's both. Communication theorists call this interplay relational dialectics. You can email me to learn more about that, if you're interested, but what it primarily focuses on is how individuals deal with contractions in their relationship. Generally speaking, attraction grows when you have something in common with a person. This can be liking the same type of music or eating similar kinds of food, or it could be something more substantial like having the same values or beliefs.
But relationships also benefit when partners are not too much alike and can offer something new to each other. The most common contradictions in relationships are the dynamics between introverts and extroverts, affectionate and non-affectionate, and clingy versus independent individuals. The key to a successful relationship is to find a happy medium.
7.Commitment
People think commitment starts with desire, but it actually begins with necessity. Yes, people commit when you're able to fulfill a need they have. Sometimes it's sexual, emotional, intellectual, even financial. But generally speaking, people stick around when they feel like they have a reason to. I've spoken to hundreds of women who have no problem dating and meeting new men, but when it comes time to take the relationship to the next level and commit to each other, they're left wondering why he walked away.
Experts say there are three things that people consider when deciding to commit to someone: how satisfied they are with their partner or the relationship, the availability of options outside of the relationship, and how much they've already invested into the relationship.
8.Looking like your partner’s parents… Say what, now?
Greek mythology relays the tale of a mythical king, Oedipus, whose tragic demise resulted in him killing his father and marrying his mother. From this tragedy, the world-renown psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud coined "The Oedipus Complex" to describe a child's feelings of desire for his or her opposite-sex parent. Recent studies have latched on to Freud's ideas claiming some folks are attracted to people with similar features as their parents such as skin tone, hair/eye color, and the age range they saw at birth. So if it's any consolation for why your ex's new girlfriend is frumpy-looking like his mom, this might explain why. Sigh.
9.Eye contact.
In 1997, Arthur Aron and a group of psychologists conducted an experiment to see if they could "create" intimacy between couples and ultimately make them fall in love. One study consisted of about 50 strangers, a series of 36 questions followed by a two-minute period of complete silence while looking into each other's eyes. Their experiment resulted in an almost 60 percent success rate with several couples going steady and two successful marriages.
10.If you own a dog.
Shutterstock
Several studies have concluded that dogs contribute to social interaction among strangers. A 1992 study by Kelly Ann Rossbach & John P. Wilson showed that the presence of a dog can make a person appear more likable. Research shows that people are more likely to attribute positive characteristics such as being caring, patient, and nurturing to dog-owners. These qualities are commonly cited as reasons people fall in love, thus making them more desirable to date.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 7 Reasons Men Cheat, Underrated Reasons - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 36 Questions That Make You Fall In Love - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 7 Reasons Not To Settle In A Relationship - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 8 Valid Reasons To Break Off An Engagement - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Pack A Travel Case With These 12 Items For Amazing 'Summer Vacation Sex'
It’s kind of funny that while I’m literally in the process of writing this article, the Los Angeles Times published “How to get lucky on your family vacation” hours prior. LOL. Although this year marks a bit of a dip in the amount of Americans who plan on taking a summer vacation (because this administration ain’t making coin-keeping easy, y’all) — it’s still being reported that around 53 percent will do so in the name of rest, relaxation and spending quality time with their loved ones.
And for many, the loved ones category absolutely includes their bae. And if that is the case, that probably means that sex is somewhere on the menu.
Yep. I actually read one survey (that consisted of 2,000 people) that said folks tend to have twice as much sex while they are on vacation than they do when they’re at home. It makes sense too when you factor in that you have less to do (unless you’re traveling with those folks who act like you need an itinerary for every damn thing — and we all know one…SMDH), which makes you less stressed out, which makes it easier to feel sexy and to want to get sexual.
And so, in the spirit of that indeed being the case, I want to make sure that you carve out a corner of your suitcase or carry-on to include at least half of the following 12 things that are on this list — things that can help to make “summer vacation sex”…that much hotter, y’all.
1. Edible-Grade Sunscreen
It can’t be said enough that, no matter how melanated you may be, your skin needs sunscreen. Not only to protect yourself from the risk of skin cancer (which 1 in 5 Americans will get in their lifetime) but from premature aging that can come from sun damage too. That said, if the urge arises to have sex outside somewhere, I did find some edible-grade sunscreen, in case you’re either worried about what sex in the sun will do to your skin or how all of the chemicals in sunscreen will affect your (digestive) system. The company is called Sky & Sol and you can read up on them here.
2. Flavored Lip Balm
If you’ve ever wondered why your lips are so susceptible to being chapped, it’s because they don’t contain any oil glans to keep them moisturized. This is especially important to keep in mind when the weather is extremely cold or hot because that can do a real number on the sensitive skin that your lips are made out of. That’s why it’s essential to stay well-hydrated and to also keep some lip balm in tow. Lip balm is especially designed to moisturize your lips, reduce chapping, exfoliate, soothe irritation and protect your lips from UV damage. As a bonus, lip balm will also help to keep your lips super soft and kissable; especially if you get the flavored kind. #wink
3. Condoms
I’m still out here, literally shaking my damn head, that reportedly, only one-third of men and one-fourth of women use condoms (and even many of those folks don’t do it consistently). It can’t be said enough that if you’re not in a monogamous (married) or exclusive (dating) relationship where you both are getting regularly tested and are on some other form of birth control (unless you want to get pregnant) — you absolutely should be using condoms and, as a woman, you should not solely rely on your partner to have some that are ready and available.
Not just because you should be responsible for your body and health but because not all condoms are made equal, so you should bring along some that you prefer/enjoy. If you’d like a lil’ help picking those out, check out “These Are The Kinds Of Condoms Your Vagina Would Actually Prefer.”
4. Crotchless Swimsuit
Packing some sexy lingerie? I certainly hope that goes without saying. If you’ve got a hot tub around, though and you want to “get it in” without getting totally naked (so that nosey people won’t see every damn thing), you do know that there are some crotchless swimsuits out in these streets, right? An example of one is here. Of course, you can always do what Beyoncé said in “Drunk in Love” and just move ish over to the side but…I’m just giving you another creative option…if you wanted one.
5. Blindfolds
If you’d like to cultivate an atmosphere of mystery or anticipation, a simple blindfold will do the trick. There is another reason why I think they are great for summer vacation (sex) trips, though — if your hotel room doesn’t come with blackout curtains and you want to have a quickie or two without the room being so bright, putting on a blindfold can solve that “problem” too.
6. Waterproof Sex Toys
Who said that you have to wait until you get to your hotel room to engage in some foreplay? If you bring a couple of sex toys around, you can tease each other practically anywhere — and if they are waterproof, that includes in the ocean or pool. Some, you can pair up with your smartphone in order to stimulate your partner from just about anywhere. Whew, chile.
7. Homemade Sex Toys Too
Speaking of sex toys, you’d probably be amazed at how many things in your house can double up as one. A spatula or wooden spoon is great for spanking. A necktie, some tights and a pair of clothespins work well for BDSM (use your imagination, sis). An electronic toothbrush is its own vibrator. A string of (lubricated) pearls in between your thighs? Girrrl…GIRL. Oh, and cop a silicone ice tray that comes in different shapes.
When you are rubbing ice in the shape of fruit, flowers or even animals over each other’s bodies, you’ll be surprised by how the combination of the cold with the texture of the space of the ice will stimulate you (make the ice out of juice instead of water for an extra sweet treat!).
8. Portable Charger
I don’t know what took me so long to get a damn portable charger but it’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. What I personally purchased is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W High-Speed Portable Charger. I can throw it in my purse, it charges fast, I can use more than once before needing to recharge it; plus, it complements most devices. A great thing to keep in mind, so that your sex toys don’t end up going out on you while you’re…wherever you are.
9. Massage Oil Candle
Going through security at the airport can be a HEADACHE. And while, how long it can take, oftentimes varies on the airport you’re at and the time you are traveling (you can read more about that here), the process is going to be especially annoying if they have to go through your bags. Since you can currently only pack a quarter-sized bag of liquid products on your carry-on, my two cents would be to leave the massage oil at home and pack a massage oil candle instead.
That way, you can still engage in some temperature play (check out “Hot Sex: 10 Super Sultry Reasons To Bring Wax Play Into Your Bedroom”) while you’re on the road without going through any security hassle hang-ups. Some edible massage oil candles are located right here.
10. Wine Cooler Sleeve
Say that you end up going on a wine tasting tour while you’re on vacation and you end up purchasing a bottle or you simply want to toast with some champagne but you’re not sure how to store the bottle. Did you know that there are wine cooler sleeves that are lightweight, portable and will help to keep your bottles cold without condensation for hours on end? A brand that comes highly recommended is here.
11. Rose Petals
I think there are a few reasons why rose petals are oftentimes used to create a sexy mood. Red symbolizes love and passion. Rose petals are soft to the touch. The scent of them is considered to be an aphrodisiac as well. For all of these reasons, bring along some fresh rose petals for your hotel bed. If you put a damp paper towel in something like a small Tupperware container and then place the rose petals inside of that, they won’t dry out quickly which will make them feel great once you’re ready to start rolling around in them (you can also keep them in your hotel room’s fridge to further extend their shelf life).
12. Mints
Morning sex. Outdoor sex. Whatever kind of sex — it’s always going to be better when your breath and his smell good. And just so you don’t have to lug around a big bottle of mouthwash, pack some mints. Altoids are always going to be my number one draft pick — yet go with whatever are your personal faves. They’re the perfect hack for unbelievable summer vacation sex. Wouldn’t you agree? Enjoy!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy