Why I'll Never Call Someone A "Boyfriend" Again
Personally, I blame Barbie. At least for starters.
I don't have any children of my own and thankfully, the parents of young daughters that I'm close to don't inundate their girls with dolls, so I can't comment too much on what Barbie looks like today (although Yara Shahidi's is pretty cute, I must admit). But back when I was a little girl, Barbie's dream outfit was a wedding dress, Ken was her constant companion and, if you looked really closely at her hand, there was a fake diamond in it. And since her hands were fused together, in order to take the ring off, you had to tug on it. Without the ring, there was a big hole in her hand that remained.
Call it overthinking if you want to, but if basically, all a little girl sees in her room are doll babies—or dolls who have a part of their hand missing if there's not a diamond in it—and Disney flicks that are filled with Prince Charmings and tales of "happily ever after"; and then when she has a crush on someone, the adults in her life immediately refer to said-boy as her "boyfriend"…what are we expecting her to be consumed with? Why wouldn't wanting a man of her very own, even if he is a child just like her, be a part of her little girl goals?
So yeah, between the toy-programming in my home, the irresponsible-albeit-probably-totally-ignorant teasing about "my boyfriends" by some of the adults in my world, the sermons in church that never seemed to be celebratory of the single life (at most, they talked about remaining pure until a husband came along), having friends (in elementary and high school) who were in relationships since I could remember and then not even really being taught (properly) about the purpose of romantic relationships…of course, I wanted a boyfriend. Basically, ever since middle school on.
OK, the irresponsible adults that I mentioned? My mom wasn't really one of them. Although she thought crushes were cute and I got to take a date to school banquets (I went to private schools, so we didn't have proms), I didn't have my first official date with a guy until I was in the second semester of my junior year of high school and, believe you me, there was a curfew. It was innocent enough. Matter of fact, I'm still cool with "him" to this day. That's because we didn't do what I did with a lot of other men who followed him.
Plus, we made being friends more important than trying to become boyfriend-girlfriend. Please bookmark that.
No, it actually wasn't until I was a freshman in college that I had my first real deal boyfriend. The CliffNotes version is a girlfriend of mine at the time whose boyfriend would drive up to see her a couple of times a week, brought a few of his friends up. The friend who caught my eye (let's call him "David") then started making the trips with him. He was fine. He was smart. He liked me as much as I liked him (to this day, I don't think a lot of us realize how rare that is; "like timing" is almost like a UFO sighting). Yeah, things moved quickly.
It wasn't long before we were spending hours on the phone. Hours of talking make you feel like you've known someone longer than you actually have. And so, after a couple of weeks, we had the boyfriend-girlfriend title although I didn't know exactly what came with that. Then, a few weeks after that, we had sex for the first time. I was in. ALL IN.
During a relationship that officially lasted less than two years, things got deep—and sometimes dark. We got arrested together (his cousin had a stolen gun in my car that I knew nothing about). I had an abortion that was totally against David's wishes. Sometimes he would stay with me for days on end. Other times, when I needed money, he'd give it. When he wanted my car, I'd lend it. Again, I was all in. And since that's what my first boyfriend experience was like, that's how I thought all romantic relationships were supposed to be—basically married just…not.
Fast forward about a decade and it's kind of amazing that my last boyfriend-girlfriend relationship was about 14 years ago. Although I haven't had sex in 12 years, my boyfriend and I spent about two years breaking up…you know how it goes. Anyway, in hindsight, I realize that even with him, things were deep and sometimes dark. We were constantly on the phone. He too would stay with me, sometimes for days on end. I would cook for him on the regular. Sometimes even pay his bills. Between my complex childhood, the fallout in my romantic liaisons and the toll both took on my self-esteem, sometimes he rode emotional roller coasters with me that he didn't deserve. Then there were our families all intertwined and caught up in the mix. Ugh.
About three-and-a-half years in, I remember looking at him one time while he was asleep next to me and thinking, "I want out." It's not that he wasn't a good person. To this day, he's one of the smartest and gentlest people I know—well, knew (we use that "know" word too loosely). It's just that he wasn't my person.
Yet, because he was my boyfriend, I thought I had to stick it out, for better or for worse. Like he was a husband or something. I took a long time for me to accept that I did not. Because he was not.
I also remember the day when I finally decided to call it quits. I was at one of his cousin's house who happened to be a friend of mine (and also not a fan of the relationship because she too felt he was not my person). When I called to tell him that it was really over and then hung up the phone, I sat in one of the corners of her bedroom and cried and cried…and cried some more. Although I had never been married before, I was a child of divorce (twice) and the pain that I was experiencing? It seemed very similar.
Why do I only have a boyfriend, but this break-up feels like I'm divorcing my husband? To this day, there are very few things that I think compare to break-up pain. To this day, that is one of the biggest self-introspective questions I've ever asked.
Acting married when I'm not is just too much…for me.
Fast forward to now and, whenever people ask me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?", my initial response is, "I'm too old for a BOY-anything." And, by "too old", I mean too mature and too wise. However, there is some subtext behind that statement.
Believe it or not, I know a couple of couples who were virgins when they got married. I also know a few people whose first love was their current spouse. There's something really beautiful about those testimonies because they haven't gone through the brokenness that I have. They haven't acted like they are married to people they aren't, so there is a loyalty and respect that they have for one another, sex and the union of marriage that I'm still working to rebuild.
Years ago, I heard someone say that the way a lot of us date, it doesn't teach us how to be married; it teaches us how to get divorced. To a large extent, I agree. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in marriage counseling sessions and had couples tell me that they're ready to end their legally-binding-said-vows-before-God relationship like it's…nothing. When I choose to dig deeper, some of them will say something along the lines of, "When I wasn't happy with my ex, I ended it. I don't see the difference."
Just because you might not see it, that doesn't mean there isn't one. Unfortunately, when we treat our boyfriends as if they are our husbands, we don't see (or treat) divorces as being much different than a break-up. In fact, a lot of us see the two is being exactly the same. We gave our all—mind, body and soul—to a boyfriend (or 10 boyfriends) and so by the time our husband comes along, he doesn't get much more than what our boyfriends did. It's hard for us to understand why he should.
To tell you the truth, that grieves me because a boyfriend shouldn't be synonymous with a husband.
There should be certain perks—and levels of loyalty and respect—that the man we promise to stay with until death gets that our "boyfriends" were never deserving of. But because a lot of us aren't told or modeled this, we act married before we are, so we don't value the sacredness of marriage as much as we should.
That's why I'll NEVER have a boyfriend again.
I already know what some of you are wondering. Since I have no plans on having a boyfriend, am I saying that I also have no plans on getting married someday? Personally, I don't see how the two connect; at least, not anymore. Whenever someone asks me how I figure I can have a husband without having a boyfriend first, my first response is, "Who had a boyfriend in the Bible?" (I'll wait). Plenty of people were married all up and through there!
Seriously, though. I want to marry a friend. No abusing the monogamy word (monogamy literally means "married to one person for a lifetime" NOT exclusively dating). No pressure to act married when I'm not. Just the time, space and freedom to get to know a guy that I dig who digs me. That like will turn into love and in the sacredness of friendship, one day, that will turn into being in love.
It might sound idealistic. Personally, I think the more appropriate word is "countercultural". But I know some people who did it just this way. Two of my closest friends were friends—just friends—for over a decade. The now-wife always had feelings for her now-husband, but timing is everything. Anyway, because their friendship was the foundation, the guy-friend was always very real and open with his girl-friend. In fact, they were best friends.
One day, he went on a fast. He came out of it realizing that he was sick of dating around; that he was ready to meet "the one". After a 3-4 hour-long conversation with his girl-friend, they realized they were on the same page with their values, how they saw their future and how they defined family. They got engaged six months later. They've been married 17 years now. See…it's possible to get a husband without having a boyfriend. Even better, it's possible to do it with your heart and parts still intact.
I get that my stance isn't for everyone. That's fine. But on this side of wisdom and healing, I have no regrets with having male friends and removing the pressure (and drama) that oftentimes comes from making some of them my boyfriend.
These days, I don't want there to be a fine line between what a boyfriend gets vs. what my husband deserves. Now, I see a world of difference between the two, which is exactly why I will never ever have a boyfriend again.
I'll act married when I actually am married. Let the church say…amen.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
'Don't Be A Wife To A Boyfriend': 10 Lessons I Learned When I Was Single - Read More
I Moved In With My Boyfriend But Never Got A Commitment - Read More
Learning To Stop Being A Wife To A Boyfriend Led Me To My Ring - Read More
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
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Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED