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When Your Sex Drives Aren’t in Sync

For someone who describes herself as having an insatiable sexual appetite, encountering a partner with a sex drive that differs from mine...

Love & Relationships

For someone who describes herself as having an insatiable sexual appetite, encountering a partner with a sex drive that differs from mine can be quite the disappointing re-occurrence. Quite.


It’s one I’ve experienced a few times throughout my sex life with different partners. For the more casual endeavors, drive doesn’t necessarily come into play, lust is at an all-time high, and you’re at the stage of “just can’t get enough” by default, with the newness and infrequency of the things.

But boyfriends? They have been a whole ‘nother side of the coin for me. With long term sex, it’s a given that there will be times of ebb and times of flow, because let’s be real, a lot of things come into play when it comes to sex drives. And although I typically didn’t have the patience enough to stay and make it work, a boyfriend means I have to spend the time. Being in love asks a little more of you, doesn’t it?

My most recent ex and I were compatible in so many ways. I had never fit together so seamlessly with a partner personality-wise. I’d describe him and I like currents in a river, we flowed together in love in such an effortless way. I hoped we would sexually, too, and in the beginning, we honestly did. But as quickly as our love flame ignited our sex one seemed to dim. He wasn’t interested in sex like I was, didn’t really masturbate, and could turn that part of him off in lieu of other obligations. I couldn’t and definitely didn’t want to, because why should I have to compromise my desires anyway?

When we did have sex once a week, it was one and done and uninspiring by default thanks to his love for missionary. So not only were our sex drives incompatible, but when our scheduled sex session did finally happen, he had to be in control of how it all went down. My patience was really wearing thin and the attempts to argue with my impatience were in vain. He was the culmination of every guy in my past who couldn’t keep up with me and I was stuck because I was in love. I never underestimate the significance of sex in a romantic relationship, but he did. He felt like he was fulfilling his duties in other ways, that it was okay to allow my requests for more to fall on his intentionally deaf ears. For real, n-word?

I eventually became fed up, especially when one night my expression of wanting more and expressing how I wanted it was met with, his own accusatory rhetoric of “Why are you so sex-crazed?” Really? The areas where we found compatibility in began to suffer due to my sexual dissatisfaction and not feeling heard. Suffice to say, he was a lesson. If a man was not compatible with me sexually, he wasn’t for me, especially if he had no desire to work on it with me as my partner. [Tweet "If a man was not compatible with me sexually, he wasn’t for me."]

My current partner puts it down! So, there’s something to be said to not compromising on your relationship values. He and I do get busy and our sex lives do sometimes suffer, but in those times, we make it a priority to resolve our desire discrepancies through effective communication, quality time, affection, and never failing to make one another feel desired.

However, for those who may be experiencing a little delay in their bedroom boom and , here are a few tips on how to potentially get your sex drives back in sync.

Communicate your needs with your partner.

If they are not being met, voice that fact. Individuals in relationships are not mind readers, so if something is not right, be sure to let them know as non-accusatory as possible. Maintain honest communication as being you and your guy’s safe place.

Spend some quality time together that isn’t of a sexual nature.

Sometimes when too much pressure is involved, it can further kill the sex drive vibe, so now that you’ve been honest, concentrate on getting out of your comfort zone through new experiences together outside of the bedroom. Be affectionate, again without the pressure of sex. Hugs and kisses elicit different hormones within the body, and that in combination of the tension you’re creating with your affection tango tease, might kick sexual desire into overdrive.

Always let the other person know you care and that you desire them.

Mismatched sex drives can be a blow to the ego in both men and women. It’s important during this time that you let your partner know you want them, even if you can’t completely give to them sexually. Genuine compliments about appearance can do wonders or even a subtle text expressing your desire toward them unexpectedly during the day are little ways to show that you do in fact want them.

Lay off the pressure.

The sex life will fix itself as long as you put work in outside of your intimate life and assure your partner that there is no pressure. Pressure can be a killer of many things and this is one of them so make sure the emphasis is always catering to the connection. The rest will fall into place.

When sex drives aren’t in sync, it is not always the death sentence to a relationship, but it can be. As with every pitfall in a relationship, the right way to deal with an issue is to communicate about it effectively as it happens. If a compromise can’t be met, free yourself for someone who cares enough to listen to your wants and needs. Life’s too short for subpar sex.

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