A couple of weeks ago, I found myself rewatching two things. The first was the movieThe Pass, which was executive-produced by Todd Tucker and Kandi Burruss (it was actually pretty well done if you haven’t seen it. Personally, I’ve come to really enjoy Rob Riley and Blue Kimble as actors over the years. Also, Erica Peeples was a very sexy thang in it, and it’s always good to see the resurgence of Drew Si-dor-a on the acting front).
The other was binge-watching Insecure. Y’all, Molly really wore me out (if you know you know), yet that really was such a well-done show; going back and experiencing it all over again solidifies that as a fact for me (especially the music. Salute).
Anyway, if you were a diehard fan, you may recall the last episode of the second season of Insecure, where Issa, Molly, and Lawrence each had some growth and ah-ha moments that were featured. Towards the end of it, Issa imagined Lawrence proposing, and the song that played in the background was Daniel Caesar’s “Blessed.”
In the bridge, he continues to say, “I’m coming back home to you…I’m coming home” — and that got me to thinking about the many times when someone has actually asked me how they can know if someone shows the outstanding potential of being “their one.” Oftentimes, my answer has been that it’s when you feel as if they are home for you.
A home isn’t just a place of residence. As you’re about to see, in just a moment, a home means so much more than that. So, if you’re looking for signs and/or confirmation that your heart has indeed found its own home in the form of a partner, keep the quote by American journalist Helen Rowland in mind (“Home is any four walls that enclose the right person.”) as I try to provide a bit of clarity for you.
Like Luther Once Sang, "A House Is Not a Home."
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I don’t know about you, but I can’t believe that next year marks the 20th year of when R&B singer Luther Vandross died. Keeping that in mind, I guess it’s fitting that a documentary about his life will be coming out this season. And although I think my all-time favorite song by him is “For You to Love” (the real ones know), it’s undeniable that one of his classics is “A House Is Not a Home.”
A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight
Now, before going deeper, as a single woman whose own mother said that my place (that burned down a few years back) was quite cozy (I have made sure to replicate that feeling in my new space, too), I will be the first to say that you can cultivate a home environment even if you don’t have a bae. In fact, so long as you love yourself and it’s genuine, you will always be in great company, even if no one else is around you.
However, for the sake of today’s topic, I am going to focus on romantic relationships — and yes, a home is a lot more homey (comfortable, pleasant, restful) when you’ve got someone who truly loves you to share your space with.
That’s a part of the reason why this crazy ass transactional dating era that we are currently in is so, hell, I’m gonna go with the word “vile” to me. If you ask me, obsessing over choosing an individual who can’t — or won’t — do much more than give you a lot of things low-key sounds like someone who struggles with having a scarcity mindset.
Although one way that a scarcity mindset manifests itself in relationships is by settling just so that you can have someone in your life, the other side of the coin is you’re so focused on avoiding (or getting out of) lack that it consumes you and so, in relationships, you can’t seem to really build anything solid because all you want to make sure of is you have a lot of…stuff.
This is exactly how many people in relationships end up with a nice house, and yet they still feel very lonely because there isn’t a true connection. And so, as a direct result, their house never really ends up feeling like it’s an actual home — the place where someone can (definitions of home) feel “at ease,” “at rest” and (dig this one) “in one’s element.”
In one’s element. How dope is that? I say that because, if you look at the Merriam-Webster Dictionary definition of in one’s element, it means that you are “in a place or situation where one is comfortable and does well.” Did you catch that?
Although I will be the first to say that rom-coms need to be embraced with balance, whenever you hear a character say that someone is their home, whether they realize it or not, they are saying that their relationship with that individual provides a dynamic when they are able to feel completely comfortable, so that they are able to do well — to flourish, to grow, to thrive. Can a house do this? Eh. Can a home? Definitely.
So yeah, if you’re going to give someone the distinct honor and pleasure of calling them “your home,” what you’re basically saying is they have an uncanny way of making you feel completely comfortable (content, undisturbed, healthy, happy, pleased, relaxed and satisfied) AND that they seem to cultivate an environment that helps you to truly succeed.
So…if you are currently seeing or are with someone, can you honestly give them the title of being your home? And, if you’re not in a relationship (yet you want to be), do you have a standard of not settling until you can fully and honestly call someone…your home?
Let’s keep going…
A Sanctuary Maker Is a Top-Tier Woman
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I have plans for the term “sanctuary maker,” so much so that I have several T-shirts, hoodies, and pieces of jewelry with the phrase on it. The backstory is, that I’ve always been fond of seeing a woman as a sanctuary ever since an ex-boyfriend introduced me to the concept of setting the standard of requiring that in a relationship.
What I mean by that is, that he used to tell me that a woman should be her man’s sanctuary — and I have absolutely no problem with that. Because I am a complementarian, especially in a marital setting, if a man is providing and protecting, a woman being a place of refuge (which is what a sanctuary is), seems like a beautiful complement.
I especially dig this as a Black woman because, by definition, both a home and a sanctuary are a place of refuge, and refuge is all about being “shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.” and “anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape.”
I mean, all you need to do is read articles like The Guardian’s “'It’s like we're seen as animals': black men on their vulnerability and resilience” or The Vox’s “Study: people see black men as larger and more threatening than similarly sized white men” and get that it’s not an exaggeration that Black American men are in their own war zone whenever they step out of their front door; that’s why, to me, if there is any place where they should feel completely at ease, it’s in their house…a place that we, as women, have an impeccable way of being able to turn into a home.
This is actually a huge part of the reason why I tracked down Christiana Sabino and wrote her love story earlier this year (check out “Viral Sensation Christiana Sabino Is Using 'Pure Black Love' To Build Her Brand”) — if you’re familiar with her platform,she features videos with soothing music where she’s nurturing her partner. He provides. She nurtures.
Together, they invite us into a sacred space that says, “We can’t control what happens outside of these walls, yet we certainly can determine what goes on within them” and what they display is such a calm, tranquil, beautiful…sanctuary. Who wouldn’t want to come home to a place and space that is similar to it?
For me, even as a single woman, I have a sanctuary. Soy scented candles. Twinkle lights. Cable knit blankets. Big throw pillows. Blackout curtains. Nature sounds. INTERNAL PEACE. My friends tease me about how much I like being at home — because it is indeed a home. A sanctuary. My own place of refuge. A self-cultivated space where I feel serene and safe…and I created all of it. Like I said, women can master this in a way that is truly incomparable. How could you not agree?
So, are you a sanctuary maker? If so, how? If not…why not?
If You Don’t Feel Completely Safe, in Every Way, You Ain’t at Home, Sis
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Did you peep how I said that my home is a place where I feel safe? I’m telling you, especially since around my early 30s, something that has become a big deal to me is only surrounding myself with people, places, things, and ideas that are SAFE.
Safe: secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk; involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.; dependable or trustworthy
Synonyms: intact, protected, snug, cherished, guarded, maintained, preserved, shieled, tended, out of harm’s way, undamaged, unscathed
Recently, while reading an article on PEOPLE's website, actor Uzo Aduba said this about her husband: “He made me feel safe. I felt safe to be all of myself around him — not the best of myself, all of myself, my frailties, my vulnerabilities, my weak, ugly parts. I felt safe enough to show him that. And when he saw it, he still loved me. I never, and still never, doubted that he loved me.’”
I’ve got a girlfriend right now who can’t seem to let go of a guy who has revealed himself to be an unsafe person on so many levels. Interestingly enough, although she knows this to be true, whenever I point it out, she still finds herself defending him. Because they have a lot of time under their belts, we walked through the different “mile markers” to see if there was a pattern — and there was.
If he wasn’t in some type of drama, he was emotionally erratic, and if he wasn’t emotionally erratic, he was relationally unpredictable.
Does he love her? Based on what he knows about love, I'm sure that he does. Does she love him? Yes, although I wonder if it’s more of an addiction than anything at this point. Yet, is he a SAFE SPACE for her? Based on all of the definitions that I provided, how could he be? And if someone isn’t safe for and to you, how can they be your home?
Home is where, above almost anything else, you should feel holistically safe: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, financially, relationally…safe. And that’s a big part of the reason why I agree with an Irish novelist by the name of Cecelia Ahern, who once said, “Home isn't a place, it’s a feeling.” If you don’t feel safe with someone, even if you love them, you are not at home. Or, if your house doesn’t feel safe, something is awry.
And sis, you deserve to feel safe — and your partner deserves to feel like they are safe around you. Not either or. BOTH.
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Is this a totally random topic? I mean, perhaps. Still, I hope that now that you’ve reached the end of it, you really do understand that a part of what comes with being in a functional, long-term loving relationship is you are able to declare, without any hesitancy or unsureness, that you can call your partner your “home” because they check all of the boxes that I just mentioned.
And what if they don’t? Well, ask yourself if they should be a part of your life in the way that they are. Because if they’re not your home, why are they “dwelling” with you? If they are not your refuge, your safe place, someone you can be at ease with, and a person who you can articulate where they are helping you to become a better person…why do they deserve to walk through your heart’s door?
Why consider them “home” when they actually…aren’t?
I mean…really.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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There's something about snuggling up in your favorite blanket and watching a comfort show or movie on Netflix, and what better time to do just that than in December? As the weather outside gets cooler, staying in becomes more of the norm. Thus, Netflix and Chill is a go-to. Luckily, Netflix has released new Black films and series on their popular streaming platform.
From Tyler Perry's historical drama The Six Triple Eight, starring Kerry Washington, to the Will Packer-produced comedy starring Marsai Martin, Regina Hall, and Issa Rae, Little, this season is looking up.
See the full list below.
Little (12/1)
Regina Hall's character is a bossy tech mogul who has everyone scared of her, including her assistant, played by Issa Rae. However, when she transforms into her younger self (Marsai Martin), she learns how to be more kind to others.
Daddy Day Care (12/1)
Eddie Murphy stars in this film as a father who decides to open a daycare after losing his job.
30 For 30 Collection (12/2)
30 For 30 is an ESPN docu-series highlighting some of sports' legendary figures and moments. Some of the episodes include Winning Time: Reggie Miller Vs. The New York Knicks and Celtics/ Lakers: The Best of Enemies.
Jamie Foxx: What Had Happened Was (12/10)
In this special, the multi-talented Jamie Foxx returns to stand-up to give an unforgettable performance.
Blood, Sweat & Heels S2 (12/13)
The short-lived Bravo reality TV series documented the lives of a group of girlfriends making it in NYC. The show starred model-turned-podcaster Melyssa Ford, author Demetria Lucas, and the late TV host Daisy Lewellyn.
The Equalizer S1-3 (12/16)
The hit CBS show starring Queen Latifah is now available on Netflix. Watch the beloved actress kick ass and take names in this popular drama.
The Six Triple Eight (12/20)
The new Tyler Perry film starring Kerry Washington is a true story about the first and only Women’s Army Corps unit of color during World War II.
Christmas Game Day Ravens Vs. Texans (12/25)
While many will tune in to watch the Baltimore Ravens vs. Houston Texans game, others will tune in to watch Beyoncé perform during halftime.
Michelle Buteau: A Buteau-ful Mind At Radio City Music Hall (12/31)
Comedian Michelle Buteau's comedy special will focus on her life with twins, going viral, and much more.
Evil S3 (12/31)
While Evil was unfortunately canceled by CBS, viewers can rewatch the series on Netflix, with season three premiering December 31st.
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