What If You & Your Partner Aren't On The Same Level Sexually?
So, you and your partner aren't on the same level sexually...what do you do? Well, it depends. There's isn't one answer to this, there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Ordinarily, when we talk about not being on the same level sexually, it is in reference to sex drives not being in sync. But sexual incompatibility can go beyond sex drives. In fact, two people can be sexually incompatible for a variety of reasons. Things like experience, patience, communication, love language, and even who your partner is to you and how you define that can come into play.
While some people might be able to drop the situation like a bad habit, others might find themselves in more committed partnerships like a long-term relationship or a marriage. If that's your reality, what's the solution? To further shed light on the conversation around being sexually incompatible, I asked four people who have experienced being on different levels sexually than their partners, and it went like this.
Angie, 25
When it came to Angie's experience, she felt like she didn't have enough. She had been dealing with a sexual partner who treated sex like a chore and got straight to it — no foreplay, kissing, or any physical build-up to sex. "He would call me, we would smoke and that was everything that gave me that feeling," she explained. "I wanted foreplay. I wanted everything and I didn't know how to come out and say I need more sexually."
As a solution, she brought the issue to his attention. She explained that she needed more to get her in the mood so that she could fully enjoy the experience. Unfortunately, he never made any improvements or attempts to fulfill her needs and she felt like it was starting to affect her sex drive.
"You just need that energy to feed off of and if us just smoking is the only thing giving me that drive, I can't give you anything else. If he gave me that energy back, it could have been a really good experience. Why would I give you all of this and you're giving me the bare minimum?"
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Donny, 30
With Donny, he experienced this in two different situations. The first time it happened, he was dealing with someone who wasn't on his level sexually. He felt prior to leading up to sex it had been overhyped and when it finally happened he was disappointed because the talk didn't match the action. "Sometimes women talk their sh*t like, 'You're not ready for this' or 'I'm going to put it on you' and when the time comes you don't know what you're doing. She was off her game."
"Maybe we weren't flowing, but the second time around you need to bring your A-game. It didn't happen and I just chalked it up to maybe she didn't have that many sexual partners."
As for a solution, he never found one. It goes back to what I mentioned earlier about the solution depending on who your partner is. For both, this was a casual thing, so he didn't care to tell her or try to resolve it. However, there were cases where he saw things could be better and sent suggestions. He explained, "I'll send some links and gifs that will spice it up. I'll say, 'This looks fire, you think we could try it?' or something like that before I tell you it's wack. We all have the internet and I've learned how to use it to my advantage."
On the other hand, when he was dealing with someone who was older and more experienced, he found it fun and it made him appreciate the experience even more. "It was exciting and exhilarating because shorty went into at least two or three positions that I wasn't really ready for. She kind of wrapped her legs around my waist and did like a handstand but was still throwing it back. I was somewhere in between trying not to nut because it's so lit and figuring out what I can do to challenge this because I didn't really have any moves."
With this, there wasn't a solution either. He couldn't keep up with her and didn't pursue the sexual relationship any further.
"She bodied me. She definitely told me about myself and had every right to. She was like, 'I don't know if I can give this to you again.' This is why I don't do the bragging and I keep it super humble."
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Ron
Ron also experienced not being on the same level as his previous partner. At the time, he was younger and less experienced than his partner. During their sexual relationship, he wasn't quite comfortable with all of the things his partner wanted. She wanted things that he didn't know if he was ready for. "It became an uncomfortable situation because she wanted oral, anal, and all these different things, and I was just on the first step. So it can feel like the person is taking the lead or you're not pleasing them and it becomes more of a chore instead of an experience with one another. It was definitely uncomfortable. I think that that definitely ruined the relationship."
Before things went south, he did make an effort to salvage the relationship while trying to find a solution that would please both of them. When Ron brought up the issue, his partner started to compare him to her other partners. Unfortunately, things continued to get even more uncomfortable and they ended up going their separate ways. Although they didn't find a solution, he learned a lot from the experience. Ron explained:
"If there was more patience, more of a gradual growth towards things, and open-mindedness about the situation in the first place before anything occurred, I think that I could have understood more of where she was and she would have understood where I was instead of having expectations for one another."
He also learned that when it comes to sex and dealing with people, there's so much that correlates with it and people's sex drives. If you really want to make things work, you may have to sacrifice some things, be understanding to your partner, and have a level of patience if finding a solution is important to everyone involved.
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Mone, 33
Last but not least, I was able to speak with Monet and she highlighted the importance of listening to your body. She emphasized that being spiritually aware and attuned with your body and vagina allows you to get a better sense of what your vagina wants. She continued, "I'm a very spiritual person and I do a lot of meditating with my vagina, so me and my vagina are on the same page. I can literally hear when she's not interested in something and so she will literally tell me, 'Yo, this is not where I want to be and this is not what I want to be doing'."
In a time where she was sexually incompatible with her partner, she felt one of the reasons was because she rejected what her vagina was telling her. She explain the experience like this, "We were really cool, we had a great relationship as far as being able to communicate [and have] great energy. It was like a best friend relationship but there was chemistry. So we did decide to try to make it into a sexual relationship, but the energy when we started to get intimate was thrown off. There was no chemistry, it was awkward, and it became a forced situation."
Monet ended up ending the sexual relationship and because she realized this is not what her vagina nor body wanted. She ignored what her body was telling her and learned that she need to be more disciplined with what her body was telling her and try not to force anything.
"We can be spiritual our whole lives, have that intuition, and a voice within us but until you become spiritually aware with that voice, able to really listen to it, and be disciplined enough to listen to that voice, a lot of decisions that put you in situations you don't want to be in can be avoided if we just listen to our intuition and voice."
You may not have to end every relationship, but knowing when to say when is paramount. Additionally, with each interview, communication has proven to be key when overcoming a situation with sexual incompatibility. It's important to communicate what you're feeling (or not feeling) with your partner and determine if sexual incompatibility is something you both are willing to work through.
If sexual incompatibility is something you want to work on with your partner, here are a few things to consider:
Having patience
You'll need to understand that finding a solution won't be easy and it will take some time. You have to have patience and move at a pace that both of you are comfortable with.
Exploring other forms of physical intimacy
If getting in the mood is an issue, there are many ways to feel stimulated aside from penetrative sex. You can explore different types of physical intimacy like kissing, cuddling, massaging, etc. to reinforce sexual activity. Start with this and add more once the time feels right.
Creating a sex menu
You can also explore different sex postions and activities. Whether this be solo or together, there are ways to improve sex and find a happy medium where both partners are satisfied.
Rethinking monogamy
If none of these options seem to work, you may also want to consider rethinking monogamy. There are several options like polyamory, open relationships, or even inviting others to the bedroom (threesomes). Be open-minded when it comes to finding a solution that works best for you and your partner.
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Freelance writer, content creator, and traveler. She enjoys the beauty of simplicity, a peaceful life, and a big curly fro. Connect with Krissy on social media @iamkrissylewis or check out her blog at www.krissylewis.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You'd Be Amazed How Much This One Thing Can Keep You Out Of Divorce Court
I truly can’t believe that it was almost five freakin’ years ago that I penned “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again” for this platform. Now that I’m in the thick of writing my third book (due out later this year) and I’m revisiting this declaration, I am standing firm on it more than ever. There are no boyfriends in the Bible. Your taxes couldn’t care less if you have a boyfriend (some of y’all will catch that later). And acting like you’re married while having a boyfriend when you’re actually not? That is so hella counterproductive — on a myriad of different levels.
Yeah, the longer I live, the more folks I counsel, and the more that I observe humanity; in general, I honestly believe that this culture and how it dates, it teaches people how to divorce, not marry. “Fall in love,” place marriage rules in the dynamic, break up…rinse, and repeat. Then, by the time you actually do say marital vows to someone (which are serious, y’all), you don’t even really mean them or get the weight of them because you’re processing them as barely a step up from whatever you and your last three boyfriends promised to each other.
It's so countercultural to talk about relationships from this angle — and that is why I am hypervigilant about doing all that I can to keep married folks from calling it quits. Because what the Bible does say is covenant-keeping is very serious (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11, Ephesians 5:22-33), the reality is that divorces can be costly on every level, and, reportedly, about half of people who do divorce, on some level, end up regretting it (check out “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce”). So, if we can keep the ending of marriages to a minimum (or at least try), shouldn’t we?
With all of this said, in walks something that I personally found to be pretty interesting. Apparently, after a whopping 40,000 couples were researched, with 94 percent accuracy, there is one thing that could predict if they would divorce. Or not. Are you ready to read what it is?
Did You Know There Is Such a Thing As “The Four Horsemen” in a Marriage?
GiphyIt never fails. Whenever I’m having a conversation with a couple who is seriously contemplating marriage, one thing that they will ask me is if there’s a way to ensure that they won’t get a divorce. I mean, if two people decide to not divorce, they won’t. That’s another message for another time, though. For now, what I will say is when I read about what The Gottman Institute considers to be “The Four Horsemen” of poor communication styles in a marriage, I totally got where they were coming from.
And what are they? According to the institute, it’s criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Although the reality is that pretty much all humans struggle with these on some level, let me briefly explain what it means to be excessive with them.
- An overly critical person gives unsolicited advice that the person on the receiving end either doesn’t want or doesn’t find to be helpful at all. Still, the critical person gives it because they always seem to think that they know best — including when it comes to timing.
- A person who speaks with some level of contempt usually hits below the belt or is super disrespectful in their delivery. They don’t mind being very sarcastic, dismissive, mocking others, or calling them names (bookmark this one).
- A person who is hella defensive usually struggles with not taking what they dish out, they can’t receive advice unless it’s connected to praise, and they absolutely suck at personal accountability, which is why they deflect, make excuses, and justify their actions a lot.
- Stonewallers are individuals who hold grudges, are passive-aggressive, and refuse to communicate. Of the four, this one is typically seen as the most immature course of action.
And when you take all of these in and then factor in that poor communication (because if you argue a lot, your communication skills need work) continues to be one of the leading causes of divorce (although I do find it interesting that, as far as sources of conflict go, career choices then parenting styles and then the divvying up of household chores lead the pack), whether you want to get married, are newly married or have been married for a while now, keeping those four horsemen in mind, along with being real with yourself about where you succumb to communicating that way, all of this is definitely worth taking special note of.
Okay, but those are four things and the title of this article says that ONE thing, in particular, can help you to avoid divorce most of all. What is it? Well, as far as which one of the four is the most damning, many experts say that it’s contempt. I get why. I mean, who wants to be intimate with someone, on any level, if they are mean as hell? After all, no one signs up to be another person’s emotional punching bag. Marriage is supposed to be an emotional safe space; not a battlefield.
However, according to the married couple John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., the greatest predictor of divorce is something else (although the four horsemen are definitely a huge part of what can prevent what I’m about to say next from transpiring).
The One Thing That Just Might “Divorce-Proof” Your Marriage
GiphySo what could actually keep you out of divorce court if you take and then apply it seriously? The Gottmans call it “turning towards” your partner. And just what does that mean? In a nutshell, it’s being intentional about making sure that your partner feels both seen and heard.
Honestly, one of the best ways that you can do that is through your body language (check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”) because it’s already pretty rude for your partner to try and express how they feel and you turn your back towards them or even switch your energy away from them. No one wants to be dismissed like that. However, turning towards your partner means more than just that.
Turning towards your partner is all about fully engaging them. I’ll give you some examples:
When you’re turning towards your partner, you are applying compassion. For instance, if they had a hard day at work and they express to you what’s going on, you’re not so quick to give advice or criticize; instead, you acknowledge what they said and respond with things like, “I can see how that would make you feel. Anything I can do?”
When you’re turning towards your partner, you are open to what they are saying, even about you, that you might not like. For example, if they bring something up that you do that bothers them or hurts their feelings, you don’t get defensive or pull that “You do it too” mess; instead, you take the approach of, “Will you explain to me how that affects you to the point where you are upset by it?” and then you LISTEN FULLY (meaning without interruption) to their response.
When you’re turning towards your partner, you take the stance that Dr. Phil has become well-known for saying: “Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?” You get that because your marriage isn’t just about you, you are willing to compromise, be flexible, and do what’s ultimately best for the relationship instead of only focusing on things going your way.
These are merely three examples of what it means to “turn towards” your partner, and according to the Gottmans, whenever you do that, you have an 86 percent chance of staying together instead of a 33 percent chance if you don’t.
And just how can you become a master at turning towards your partner if this is a concept that is completely new to you? Good question. When two people make the decision to share their lives, this means that they are choosing to meet each other’s needs. The only way that you can know what those are is by asking — not assuming, not presuming…asking. And then, once you know, discuss with your partner if you are meeting their needs in a way where they feel like their needs are actually being met.
And what does that mean? Listen, I can’t tell you how many times I have been in a session with a spouse who has told me that they are a good husband or wife, and then, when I ask their partner if they agree, all hell breaks loose. Yeah, you can’t be in a relationship with someone and have the only vote on whether you are good for them or not; they definitely get a say. And if you’re serious about “turning towards” your spouse, you’ll want to hear what they have to say about if you are both good to and for them — in both the big and smaller things.
____
At the end of the day, if you want to avoid divorcing at all costs (and here’s hoping that you do), turning towards your partner is about expressing empathy. It’s about facing them, figuratively and literally, so that you can better understand them, support them, and share in their needs with them. Because when you sign up for marriage, that’s a huge part of what it means to be a married person.
Marriage: Riding through life together. Avoiding the four horsemen at all costs. Turning towards each other. Daily.
Amen.
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