What You Should Do If A Friend Betrays You
I don't think there is one person reading this who hasn't been betrayed by a friend before. I will also go so far as to say that there are very few situations that can be as painful—and sometimes also as blindsiding—as this kind of experience either. But as you get older—and hopefully wiser—you come to accept that no one is perfect, folks mess up and not everything should come with an immediate "Bye. I'm done."
Some friendships are far too valuable to be that…immediately reactionary.
So, how can you know what to do when you find yourself in a set of circumstances where you're hurt, maybe even mad as hell, and you really don't have a clue what you should do? I'm hoping that this article can help to provide you with some of the clarity that you seek, sis. Ask yourself these six questions and see if the answers can't point you into the direction of what you need to do—next.
Betrayal Has Layers. What Kind Was It?
If you spend enough time on this planet and you make it a personal point to actually learn as you go, something that life will teach you is most things have layers to them; betrayal is certainly no exception. And, if you're someone who accepts that you are human and flawed, just as much as the next guy or gal, you'll also humble yourself enough to admit that you've probably betrayed someone before too; maybe even the person who just betrayed you.
Why do I say that? Because betrayal has several different definitions:
- to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty
- to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling
- to disappoint the hopes or expectations of
- to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence
- to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal)
Back when I wrote the article about why I prefer my friends to not be friends with each other, some of y'all went on and on about how insecure that kind of boundary is. First, it's always a good idea to read more than the title of something; the entire piece oftentimes offers up a broader perspective. Second, I'll tell you this—having that boundary has eliminated A LOT of the betrayals that I used to experience before I had put the boundary in place (especially when it comes to things like disclosing a violation in confidence, even if it was unconsciously). Sometimes, a betrayal isn't calculated or intentional. Sometimes, folks just mess up.
So yeah, before deciding if you should immediately cut someone out of your life (by the way, check out "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead"), think about the level of betrayal it was. Did your friend do something that was calculated and/or malicious? Or was it simply a mistake? It's important to really take this step into account because, when emotions are running high, we can oftentimes make a rash decision without taking everything into account before we do so—including processing the facts, not just how we feel at the time.
This brings me to the next important point.
What's Their Previous Track Record Been Like?
I remember when one of my closest friends betrayed my confidence. Whew. One of their friends was going through something and so my friend shared one of my deepest secrets, hoping that it would give their friend some perspective. Problem was, even though they didn't say my name, my friend gave enough "clues" that their friend was able to figure it out and ended up talking about it on some podcast, believing that it would help others as well. All of this happened without my permission. I. Was. Pissed. Still, while some people might see this as an automatic deal-breaker, I didn't. I didn't because the friend who did this to me had been a really good friend before this major snafu. They were committed. They were supportive. They were loyal. They were honest. They are just human and they messed up. Big time. But not big enough for me to, as grandma used to say, "Throw the baby out with the bathwater."
Betrayal hurts, no matter what "layer" or form that it comes in. But when you've got a good friend in your life, getting rid of them because of one mistake can end up hurting you a lot more than forgiving them and moving on. Try your best to not only think about the one way that they royally f'ed up. Factor that in, along with the kind of friend that they've been to you since they've become a part of your life.
Are They Truly Remorseful?
A while back, I wrote an article for the site entitled, "Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing". If you don't have time to check it out right now, the gist is that, I'm not big on people who don't believe in having regrets in life. Regret means remorse and we all do things from time to time that result in us (hopefully) regretting wrongdoing (unless you're something along the lines of being a raging narcissist or something). In fact, regret is oftentimes what we need to feel in order to make some real and lasting changes in our lives.
Same thing goes for a friend who betrays you. If when you confront them about what happened, they are on some, "I don't regret anything in life" or the phrase that irritates me like no other, "It is what it is", that doesn't sound like someone who feels badly about what they did to you. And if they don't really care, there is a huge chance that they could do it again (or that they've been doing some shady stuff that you just haven't found out about…yet).
So, how can you know if someone is truly remorseful? It's hard to give an across-the-board answer because people express remorse in different ways. But if they happen to bring the betrayal to you before you find out another way, if they apologize without offering up a lot of excuses or justifications and/or they ask you how they can make it up to you—those are some indicators that they probably get the magnitude of what they did; that you should at least consider hearing them out and giving the friendship another shot.
Do You Absolutely Suck at Forgiving?
People who aren't good at forgiving others either don't have many friends or they are constantly getting into and out of friendships. That's not a random happenstance either. It's usually because they want to receive the kind of grace and mercy that they absolutely have no intention of extending to others. I know this because I used to be a lot like that. Because I grew up surrounded by people who basically weaponized forgiveness (in my family, at my church, in my so-called friendships and in my private Christian schools), I saw it as a manipulative tool rather than a peace offering. So, I used to think that forgiving someone meant I was giving them carte blanche to keep hurting me over and over…and over again. So, I struggled with fully doing it.
It took getting some space from people who abused forgiveness in my world to understand that 1) from a spiritual standpoint, forgiveness makes things right between me and God (Matthew 6:14-15); 2) forgiving someone doesn't automatically mean that things go back to the way they were. The person in need of the forgiveness needs to be remorseful, be open to things taking time to heal, and we both need to assess if we should be the same kind of friends again, and 3) if I don't forgive, it's just gonna make me bitter; bitterness ultimately stagnates my growth and typically infects the other relationships around me too.
I know a lot of people think that some things don't deserve forgiveness. I disagree. If you want to keep life's situations from harming your mind, body and spirit, forgive it all. Just don't think that means you have to still engage the person, place, thing or idea that you needed to forgive. Anyway, whether you agree with me or not on this, if you're contemplating not forgiving your friend because, in your mind, they don't "deserve" it, ask yourself if this is how you feel every time someone disappoints you. If the answer is "yes", I'd venture to say that the internal struggle you're having has less to do with the betrayal and more to do with you needing to learn how to forgive better. And more. For your own sake.
What Are the Pros and Cons of the Friendship?
Here's something else that you might want to ponder, just a bit. Chances are, if this is the first time that your friend betrayed you and it wasn't something huge like stealing your money or sleeping with your man, you wouldn't be contemplating ending the relationship unless things have been on the verge of destruction for a while now anyway. That's why, if you're not 100 percent sure what you should do, it can also be helpful to take out a piece of paper and jot down the pros and cons of the relationship overall. While there are certain hacks that can help you to make split-second decisions (check out "Need To Make A Big Decision Quickly? Do This."), deciding whether or not to end a friendship deserves some real pondering. The benefit of coming up with a pros and cons list is it can help you to process your situation from a logical and obsessive point of view. For instance, if the pros far outweigh the cons, it's probably worth working through the betrayal rather than ending things altogether. On the other hand, if the cons outweigh the pros then…maybe this latest "shake up" is nothing more than the straw that has broken the camel's back. A list can help you come to this kind of conclusion.
Can You Let the Ish Go?
This last point? In all actuality, it has very little to do with your friend and what they did, and all to do with you and if you can truly heal and move on from it. I know from very personal experience (both on the giving and receiving end of forgiveness) that you haven't truly forgiven someone if you're constantly going to bring up what they did or if you're going to try and use their offense against them in order to "trump" some of your own BS in the future. Some foundational truths about a healthy friendship is both people are able to accept one another's humanness, forgive each other's faults and then move forward—together. If this betrayal runs so deep that you know you can't do this, don't waste each other's time or further cause harm by trying to stick it out, knowing that you can't let it go—if not immediately, eventually. If the betrayal is going to keep you both stagnant, discuss, forgive and then bring things to an end with the hopes and prayers that you both learned from this betrayal—so that you know how to handle things…differently with others. In the future.
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Featured image by Giphy
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
How Content Creators Hey Fran Hey And Shameless Maya Embraced The Pivot
This article is in partnership with Meta Elevate.
If you’ve been on the internet at all within the past decade, chances are the names Hey Fran Hey and Shameless Maya (aka Maya Washington) have come across your screen. These content creators have touched every platform on the web, spreading joy to help women everywhere live their best lives. From Fran’s healing natural remedies to Maya’s words of wisdom, both of these content creators have built a loyal following by sharing honest, useful, and vulnerable content. But in search of a life that lends to more creativity, freedom, and space, these digital mavens have moved from their bustling big cities (New York City and Los Angeles respectively) to more remote locations, taking their popular digital brands with them.
Content Creators Hey Fran Hey and Maya Washington Talk "Embracing The Pivot"www.youtube.com
In partnership with Meta Elevate — an online learning platform that provides Black, Hispanic, and Latinx-owned businesses access to 1:1 mentoring, digital skills training, and community — xoNecole teamed up with Franscheska Medina and Maya Washington on IG live recently for a candid conversation about how they’ve embraced the pivot by changing their surroundings to ultimately bring out the best in themselves and their work. Fran, a New York City native, moved from the Big Apple to Portland, Oregon a year ago. Feeling overstimulated by the hustle and bustle of city life, Fran headed to the Pacific Northwest in search of a more easeful life.
Her cross-country move is the backdrop for her new campaign with Meta Elevate— a perfectly-timed commercial that shows how you can level up from wherever you land with the support of free resources like Meta Elevate. Similarly, Maya packed up her life in Los Angeles and moved to Sweden, where she now resides with her husband and adorable daughter. Maya’s life is much more rural and farm-like than it had been in California, but she is thriving in this peaceful new setting while finding her groove as a new mom.
While Maya is steadily building and growing her digital brand as a self-proclaimed “mom coming out of early retirement,” Fran is redefining her own professional grind. “It’s been a year since I moved from New York City to Portland, Oregon,” says Fran. “I think the season I’m in is figuring out how to stay successful while also slowing down.” A slower-paced life has unlocked so many creative possibilities and opportunities for these ladies, and our conversation with them is a well-needed reminder that your success is not tied to your location…especially with the internet at your fingertips. Tapping into a community like Meta Elevate can help Black, Hispanic, and Latinx entrepreneurs and content creators stay connected to like minds and educated on new digital skills and tools that can help scale their businesses.
During a beautiful moment in the conversation, Fran gives Maya her flowers for being an innovator in the digital space. Back when “influencing” was in its infancy and creators were just trying to find their way, Fran says Maya was way ahead of her time. “I give Maya credit for being one of the pioneers in the digital space,” Fran said. “Maya is a one-person machine, and I always tell her she really changed the game on what ads, campaigns, and videos, in general, should look like.”
When asked what advice she’d give content creators, Maya says the key is having faith even when you don’t see the results just yet. “It’s so easy to look at what is, despite you pouring your heart into this thing that may not be giving you the returns that you thought,” she says. “Still operate from a place of love and authenticity. Have faith and do the work. A lot of people are positive thinkers, but that’s the thinking part. You also have to put your faith into work and do the work.”
Fran ultimately encourages content creators and budding entrepreneurs to take full advantage of Meta Elevate’s vast offerings to educate themselves on how to build and grow their businesses online. “It took me ten years to get to the point where I’m making ads at this level,” she says. “I didn’t have those resources in 2010. I love the partnership with Meta Elevate because they’re providing these resources for free. I just think of the people that wouldn’t be able to afford that education and information otherwise. So to amplify a company like this just feels right.”
Watch the full conversation with the link above, and join the Meta Elevate community to connect with fellow businesses and creatives that are #OnTheRiseTogether.
Featured image courtesy of Shameless Maya and Hey Fran Hey
Max And Maya Living: A Candid Look At Love Abroad Behind The Cameras
For Maya and Max, the cameras are always on. The YouTube duo famously chronicle their lives as partners in both love and work in front of an audience of more than one million across various social media pages, candidly detailing everything from the ins and outs of their relationship and traveling to more intimate moments including the home birth of their first child in the countryside of Sweden. The pair have carved out a digital path, each step symbolic of who they are individually and their union that refuses to shrink itself into traditional roles.
Side by side, the two shared with xoNecole, their lives prior to the creation of Max & Maya Living, their popular YouTube channel. Tracing back to when Maya, known as “Shameless Maya,” was a solo highly sought-after influencer with international campaigns and a million followers, and Max was a budding actor, student, and photographer exploring the world.
Now, three years later, as joint influencers, married, with a child, and living in a new country, the two take a walk down memory lane before an audience accessed their home, their dreams, and their family life with the click of a button.
With sincere smiles of adoration and affection and earnest candidacy, the two shared how one late night tucked away in a cafe in Colombia turned into a proposal nine months later. A friendship quickly transcends to become a story of love strengthened by cultural differences, long distance, and an age gap to build a foundation of both self-discovery and a forever partnership.
Take us to the beginning, how did you two meet?
Max: I was backpacking through Colombia, and I made a stop at a hostel where Maya was staying. I was living in London, and I was transiting to Berlin, and this was my trip just before relocating. We were staying in a surf hostel, but there were no waves, and at night it turned into a spring break vibe where people were shooting vodka through water guns, and I was not there for that. So I walked to this outskirts hotel, and there at a barista cafe, Maya was sitting there.
Maya: We began bonding over our history in the arts. We both went to drama school, so that was our first talking point and from there, we [talked] for hours and embarked on a beautiful friendship. Max and I hit it off and [spent] three days… laughing our butts off and just being able to relate to one another.
After leaving Colombia, where did the friendship stand?
Maya: When I went back to L.A. I thought this would be over; I was like, wow! I really feel like I met such an amazing soul, but I couldn't see him as anything more than a friend. I'm 12 years older, and I'm this huge YouTuber in L.A., and he's a student transitioning to Berlin. So in my brain, I automatically put him in the friend category. But, he just kept reaching out, and he was so honest with everything, and a lot of guys put up a front… they see my nice home, my nice car, they won't say it, but they just look and start asking questions. Whereas Max he was like, "Omg! You live in this house? Are you rich, Maya?" Just very candid.
Max: I had a feeling that there was a slight mutual love potential, but I was afraid. I thought the stakes were very high, and I did not want to lose her as a friend. If I allowed myself [to think about how a relationship would work], it was just too complicated. But since our foundation was such a beautiful friendship, the obstacles of age and location, living on different continents, in different stages of our lives and careers, I [just] allowed myself to be grateful for our friendship.
Are you able to pinpoint when your feelings for each other transitioned from just friendship?
Maya: [Back in L.A.] I was reading my journal because I had written out what I was looking for in my ideal partner, and I remembered crying. What I had written was what and who Max is and what we did. I had written out an ideal date for us, and we had done that in Colombia, which was hiking, and that wasn't even a date. It was more like, "I'm going to this national park. Do you want to go with me?" So we were doing this long distance [friendship], and Max had no idea I was even entertaining this idea of us being together.
Max: For me, Maya was checking all the boxes, but I hadn't done anything but be myself. It was a strong feeling that I didn't even think of myself saying, I want it to be exclusive. It just came from the heart. I knew that I wanted to be exclusive regardless if it was going to be long distance. I think there's a tendency for men to put up a facade - you want to check all the boxes that person is looking for because otherwise, you might lose this person forever.
Just a few months after their initial spark in Colombia, Maya booked a job in Germany. Not exactly Sweden where Max was spending time with his family before his move to Berlin but still much closer to him than when she was in the City of Angels. Immediately after her job concluded, she decided to visit Sweden and visit Max.
Essentially, making the first move, for Maya, this was her chance to explore the feelings that constantly linked her back to Max. For Max, it was the time to show the dazzling YouTuber more than just another country to mark off on her passport but his home.
So Maya, tell us about your trip to visit Max in Sweden.
Maya: Love requires you to risk winning and risk losing, and you have to be okay with that. You can't be afraid. You have to keep taking steps forward, and I'm so glad I did. I made the first major flight to Sweden to see Max. Most women wouldn't do that; they'd think, "He needs to come to me." You just need to be honest with who you are and what you [want]. If that's very important to you, then that's your choice. For me, love required me to take a risk.
Since he was working in Sweden for a very short time period, it didn't make sense for me to request him to come to L.A. So, I was willing to take that first step, and you have to be open when it's a healthy risk.
"Love requires you to risk winning and risk losing, and you have to be okay with that,. You can’t be afraid. For me, love required me to take a risk."
Max: The day after Maya left Sweden, I could have asked her to marry me. I'm very traditional in that sense, where I believe in finding the one. Some people choose to commit to a relationship because of other values or interests. But I knew I needed that feeling, and I got that feeling with Maya.
At this point Maya you’re in L.A. and Max is in Sweden. What kept the spark alive despite being thousands of miles apart?
Max: The hardest thing was to say goodbye when you don't know when you're going to see each other again. So we came up with this idea where every time we say goodbye, we should have the next trip booked. By the time I left L.A., Maya already had her flight booked to visit me. So there was always something to look forward to, and you knew when you'd see each other again.
Maya: I think what was refreshing about Max is that he wasn't what I expected. In my mind, from society and social media. I feel like especially Black women are trained to idealize a certain kind of relationship, tall, dark, handsome, and six figures. You know, he has to have all these things. But with Max, he was in transition. [I had to ask myself] where were you at his age? We all start from somewhere? We're all on a journey. But the fact that he was disciplined and had a strong work ethic. So it's really looking at the qualities because I'm looking for a life partner, not someone to date for just a couple of years.
How did you two navigate cultural differences and being in two very different phases of your career?
Maya: It's important to acknowledge social norms and the differences of what each person likes and dislikes and then having a conversation about what each person wants. So if you are dating outside of your culture, you have to understand differences and not to take things as an insult.
I remember Max didn't open a door for me. I knew he wasn't doing this to disrespect me. So I literally went on Google and looked into Swedish culture. And I found information explaining that Sweden is big on equality. In their culture, opening the door for a capable woman is an insult. So it's important to acknowledge your culture and their norms. As well as seeing your dynamics and having candid conversations about what you each want. And try to see through the person that you love. Look at the core values. Look at the fun you have together.
Engaged and making the decision to explore a life together was just the beginning for the pair that, on paper, was as far apart as the distance between the continents in the middle of them. Fervently wanting to close the miles between them, Max and Maya explored all of the options; Max even considered a student visa to attend UCLA to be with Maya. However, before a full plan could be realized, the pandemic hit, and the two had to immediately shift gears.
Ready for a change of pace from the fast-paced influencer lifestyle of Hollywood, Maya moved back home to Canada. From there, the two purchased a home in the place where love first blossomed, Sweden. Finally reunited, the two married, and the very next day following the ceremony, Maya had to leave the country because of visa requirements. But, she didn’t leave alone. Max was right beside his partner as they traveled from Canada and Mexico together until they could return to Sweden together.
Finally settled and in their home, the two merged their lives together with the birth of their child and the start of their relationship as partners.
How did you two create “Max and Maya Living” together? Especially with Maya’s already influential social media career?
Maya:[When we met] I was working on my YouTube channel, and because Max was getting into videography and filmmaking, it just seemed like the most convenient option is to work with your partner. So while we were living in Mexico together, I hired Max to shoot for me. But I just didn't like the dynamic of being his boss when we already have the layer of me being 12 years older.
In "Max and Maya," that was born out of the desire to create mutually. I wanted to see him grow, and my energy was kind of like waning at this point because I had been doing my YouTube channel, Shameless Maya, for ten years, and it was just more or less the same thing over and over again. I wanted to start something new and fresh that we could both be part of.
What was that transition like for you going from behind the camera to a partner on camera with Maya?
Max: I was never intimidated by Maya’s success, I was curious, and I went through insecurities, but I was never intimidated. At the time, I was an aspiring actor and videographer. Then, all of a sudden, I felt like I got so much for free just because it was Maya. But I had to accept I was still learning. Maya was a very great teacher, and I became a sponge. Eventually, we progressed into two different levels of expertise, and now we work as a team.
How do you balance the marriage of Max and Maya versus the coworker space of “Max and Maya” you occupy when creating together?
Max: The one thing that I find the hardest is to switch off work when you are working very close with your partner. Don't bring in the emotions from your private life into the workspace, meaning, if you're working on something, try to work towards some sort of neutral space where you can step in together and be like, okay, we'll deal with this private stuff at another time.
And really nourish the family identity together, like your privacy as a family. So when we're out, and we're actually vlogging. That's not family time per se. So make time for family without the cameras.
Why do you think your story as a couple, as coworkers, as social media influencers resonates with so many and continues to engage thousands?
Maya: I think it's because we are carving our own path and being honest with ourselves, and however that translates online is just a by-product. A lot of women especially subscribe to the ideals of someone else versus what they enjoy. I know what I want. I'm older. I take on what society calls masculine attributes. I don't find it that. I just know who I am and when I'm in a relationship. It's nice to not feel like I have to dumb down or ask for help.
Max: I'm a very emotional person, and this relationship allows me to fully embrace that and just be myself. I don't have to act as if I'm something else. I don't have to prove that I'm some sort of alpha male that has to provide according to traditional social norms.
Maya: Society tells you that when you're married and have a child, you're supposed to have stability. But for us, we've always been travelers. We've always been adventurers, so we've just adopted our daughter into our lifestyle. It's easy to lose yourself to your partner or your family. And I think it's important to hold on to your self-identity as well as sharing this new dynamic with children and partnership. In our channel, we just share who we are and try to inspire others to create the life that you want.
For more of Max and Maya, follow them on Instagram @mmhilding and @mayasworld. Subscribe to their YouTube channel here.
Featured image courtesy of Max and Maya Living