What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?
It might sound odd, but sometimes, during a marriage life coaching session, I will encourage one or both spouses to hold a memorial of sorts. Why? Well, whenever they tell me something like, they got married because they felt pressured to do so, or they realize, in hindsight, that they didn't know each other as well as they initially thought that they did, or they think they got married at the wrong time and/or to the wrong person, my first response is not to encourage divorce or even separation. No, what I recommend is that they take some time out to grieve the initial decision that they made—to honor their feelings in that way.
Why do I do that? One, because as a child of divorce, I don't take that kind of decision lightly. One way or another, it affects all parties involved, oftentimes in ways that can't be predicted at the time the divorce papers are signed. Indeed, no matter how many folks do it, divorces aren't as simple as breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It is far more serious than that. Two, grieving things makes it easier to make wiser decisions on the backend. Meaning, if you don't go through the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance—typically you'll just keep rehearsing your regret (which usually breeds resentment and extreme bitterness over time) instead of putting a purpose-filled plan in place for how to move forward.
And three, it has been both my personal experience and observation that sometimes, once we're given the space and time to fully express our disappointment, once we can honor instead of fight our true feelings, rather than leave a situation, we become strong enough to endure it.
I've sat through way too many sessions to not believe that at least one person is reading this because they can totally relate to where some of my clients have come from. If that individual is you, and you absolutely regret who you are currently married to (not because they are abusive or don't love you; that is another article for another time), before doing anything else, fully process these tips. I'm praying that they will help you to figure out how to save your marriage rather than end it.
Revisit What Regret Actually Means
I say often that I don't feel comfortable being around people who claim that they don't live with any regret. Regret means remorse and, unless you are the most arrogant person on the planet (and you're not; our current president probably is), I'm pretty sure that there is something that you feel badly about doing—past or present.
But here's the thing about remorse. It literally means "deep and painful regret for wrongdoing" and wrong means "not morally right" or "deviating from truth". OK, so if you are feelin' where I'm coming from on the regret tip, and you do regret who you chose to marry, ask yourself if it is because you feel like it was morally wrong to have married them? That somehow you lied to yourself—or to them?
If that is indeed the case, the beauty in having this type of clarity is you can get a foothold on where to go from here. Like if you married them in order to get over someone else or you married them because you were tired of being alone, that doesn't automatically mean that the marriage is doomed. What it does mean is now you have a place of truth to operate from. Now regret is not just an emotion, it's its own call to action in a way.
Ask Yourself If It’s “Currently” or “Constantly”
I can't remember who said it, but I remember hearing a wife say, "I can promise you that you will have a moment, even as early as on your honeymoon, when you will ask yourself, 'What the hell did I just do?' Exhale and move on. It's totally normal." That said, I don't know one married couple (including married couples who lived together before jumping the broom) who doesn't believe that marriage doesn't change something. If you're not adjusting to something as "simple" as another person's living habits, you've got to find a daily balance of navigating through your expectations as well as theirs. Shoot, it can be hard enough trying to find harmony within your own being without trying to do the same for someone else…every single day…hopefully for the rest of your life.
That's why I say that another thing that you need to stop and ponder over is if the feelings that you have are just in this moment or they're pretty constant. Like, is this just a bad week, or can you not recall the last time you felt any real peace and satisfaction in your relationship? Feelings are usually temporary and ever-changing. Asking yourself this question can help to bring some stability and balance back to your emotional state.
Take Your Spouse’s Temperature
Just because the two of you are on the never-ending journey of learning how to become one, that doesn't mean that you are no longer your own individual. Hopefully, that goes without saying. Still, sometimes, when there are low points in a relationship—that can even feel like lulls on some days—knowing where your spouse stands can offer up more insight.
What I mean by that is, if you are wondering if your marriage is a mistake, you ask your husband how he feels and he is on the total other end of the spectrum, that may mean that it's not so much regretting the marriage or even him. It could be that you're feeling dissatisfied across the board, you are going through a growth spurt of sorts, or something else is transpiring that you can't quite pinpoint. Whatever "it" is, you are automatically putting onto your marriage, even if that isn't necessarily the core or cause.
This is why communication is so paramount in a marital relationship. Whenever you're feeling like something isn't working, see what your partner thinks. Hearing their perspective can sometimes do wonders as it relates to where you currently are with everything. After all, they are in your marriage with you. You should take into account where they stand.
See a Marriage Counselor
This is a point that I truly can't stress enough. It really does blow my mind, how many engaged couples will enter something so serious as marriage without signing up for premarital counseling (three 20-minute sessions with your pastor doesn't count; unless you want your marriage to last a little longer than that) and how many couples in trouble exit something as serious as marriage without seeing a marriage counselor as well.
It's kind of an unwritten rule for all of mankind that, in order to gain a clearer perspective on matters, we can't just look at things from the inside out; we sometimes need the help of reputable professionals so that we can look from the outside in too. It's been documented that couples who go to premarital counseling have a 30 percent higher success rate and, somewhere around 40 percent of marriages are saved if they got to counseling after saying "I do" (by the way, a totally invested counselor, therapist or coach trumps someone who simply has a lot of letters behind their name. You can read more about why here).
I will say that, as a marriage life coach whose niche is reconciling divorces, it is difficult (difficult not impossible) to rebuild a house that is almost burned to the ground. What I mean by that is a lot of marriages seek out counseling only when they are fifty feet away from the courthouse. It is so much easier to help couples when they treat counseling/therapy like a maintenance tip rather than a last-ditch effort. Yet, either way, if regret is what you feel, see a counselor. If you don't want to go with your spouse, at least consider going alone for a bit to get some tips and tools that just may help.
Be Careful Who You Talk To
One of my clients, she was something else, boy. While on the surface she seemed sweet as pie, about four sessions in, I saw that she was mean as a bat (a great read is "Married to Jezebel: It's All About Control"). Although she was all for coming to counseling to "fix her husband", the moment she was called out on her own stuff, she started hanging out more and more with a bitter bestie who was also going through a divorce. I could always tell when she was spending more time with ole' girl more than she should because it was like I had to reprogram her mind from all of the "Girl, you don't need that man", "Girl, kids survive with divorced parents all of the time" (that's true but you do want your kids to do more than just "survive", right) and "If I were you, I…" (please avoid so-called wisdom from people who start out their advice with that line; they ain't you).
There are scientific studies to support that negativity is sho 'nuf contagious, and the last thing that you need when you are feeling regretful is a lot of that all up in your space. Instead of hanging around other women who seem to be anything but pro-commitment, find a wife mentor or married couple set of mentors who can offer up support, encouragement and sound advice. Good energy and positivity can work wonders.
Be Intentional About Getting Your Needs Met
A marriage is not going to be healthy if both people's needs aren't being met. With that being put on record, if you feel like you regret marrying your spouse because you're not all that attracted to them (single ladies, please avoid that "church wisdom" about attraction not being a necessity in selecting a spouse; YES IT IS), or you didn't have a realistic view of marriage and you see that now, or the two of you want totally different things and you feel like divorce is your only option, ask yourself why that is the case? Especially since the success rate of remarriages only decline with each one.
The reality is a lot of people end their marriages, not because they can't be saved but they stewed in their regret for so long that they don't feel they have the emotional strength and fortitude to fight to save it.
However, with articles like "4 Reasons You Might Regret Getting Divorced Down the Line", "5 Divorce Facts That Might Change Your Idea of Splitting Up" and "Too Many People Regret Divorcing Once the Dust Has Settled", I think it's far more important to try and focus on getting the needs that you have met than calling it quits altogether. Because if your husband is a good one, while it may hurt his feelings that you are currently going through what you are (which is totally understandable; imagine how you would feel if he felt that way about you), he is going to want you both to feel safe and secure in the relationship. He's going to want to know what your needs are and do his absolute best to strive towards getting those needs met.
Also Revisit Your Marriage Vows
I want to be happy. While that is certainly not a bad thing, I do feel sometimes that we make some rash or irresponsible decisions due to that being our main (and sometimes only) focal point. So, you're going to call out from work for three days in a row because work makes you…unhappy? You're not going to feed your kids because sitting in long lines at the grocery store makes you…unhappy? You're going to allow all of the utilities in your house to get cut off because going through your bills makes you…unhappy?
If you revisit the traditional marriage vows that couples recite on their wedding day, "happy" isn't anywhere in them. At the same time, what it does talk about is sticking through things, when they are awesome and not-so-awesome, for the sake of honoring the commitment that was made. And oftentimes, when that happens, not only does growth in character and a stronger bond develop, but happiness can transpire too.
Regret isn't the best way to feel about a spouse or your marriage, to put it lightly. But hopefully, what all of this did was offer you some other options other than simply ending your union. Life is interesting. Just like you may need to mourn the fact that you didn't make the best decision at the time when you said "I do", you also may need to allow some time of healing and discovery to embrace that your marriage can still be good. If you and your partner are willing to put in the work. If the greater goal is not to regret them but not regret leaving them later up the road.
Grieve it out. But then make sure to choose wisely, OK. On the other side of what you're feeling, it'll be worth it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Things Married Couples Wished They Paid More Attention To While Dating
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Age-Gap Dating Is HUGE Right Now. Still...Read This Before Doing It.
If you’re someone who’s been reading my content for a while, you know that I’m pretty big on accountability (with both men and women), and that means sometimes I will call out blatant hypocrisy and double standards. Today? It’s the fact that I find it to be mighty interesting that when an older woman is dating a younger man, she’s usually considered to be a “cougar” yet when an older man dates a younger woman, suddenly he’s a “perv” (short for pervert).
It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one,Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
___
A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
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