Revamping Your Boundaries: What Saturn Retrograde Can Teach You
Every year, Saturn, also known as the "Lord of Karma", goes retrograde giving us a chance to reassess our personal limits, progression, and reputation. Saturn has been transiting its home sign Capricorn since 2017, helping us whip ourselves into shape to achieve the success we strive for, particularly related to career endeavors. This Saturn retrograde, taking place from April 29th up until September 6th, invites us to rise to the occasion.
The pressure is on this Summer and as much as you may want to shirk off all responsibilities to enjoy some fun in the sun, now is the time to dig deep within for the motivation and discipline needed to stay on top of your game.
This transit has the ability to offer powerful breakthroughs in at least one area of life, given your hard work and dedication (word to the late Nipsey Hussle). Saturn in Capricorn teaches us to embrace the gifts that come with running this marathon called life. The obstacles you experience will either make you or break you. It may feel like the pressure is on to get more serious in at least one area of your life but Saturn retrograde can help you face these challenges with a more empowered perspective. Your responsibilities will likely pile up over the next few months which also makes this transit an important time to reassess what you're invested in. It may be time to implement those boundaries and get comfortable saying "No" to things that distract you from handling business.
Check out how Saturn retrograde affects your zodiac sign this Summer:
Aries
Your career and public image will require a little extra effort during the next few months. As much as you want to let off the gas, now is the time to keep moving forward. However, this progression doesn't have to be about the big moves you're making in the eye of the public. Saturn retrograde is actually the perfect opportunity for you to tend to the details and develop yourself behind the scenes.
When it comes to your employer, you'll likely be reevaluating whether you're in the right place or not. You may be at a job solely for security purposes while lacking the actual passion for the work itself. This transit is initiating your paradigm shift from worker bee to queen bee. Just be mindful of any power struggles with your boss while you're in this transitory phase. By the time Saturn goes direct in September, you can very well find yourself in a position of greater influence, power, and respect.
Taurus
The next few months challenges you to come into your own beliefs that may not be the most conventional. Saturn retrograde in Capricorn invites us to dissolve the powers that be and for you, this power is related to your ideologies about God/Higher Self/whatever you wanna call "it". This Summer gives you the opportunity to explore the depths of your own wisdom instead of putting so much energy into external factors.
The same power that you pray to lives within you as well.
During this transit, your intuition will reach new levels. However, this can come with some pushback from people attempting to control you especially if you've got a spiritual teacher or mentor that's been invested in your development. You may decide that the boundaries within this connection need to be adjusted or the connection needs to be completely dissolved. Trust your instincts and know that your soul is guiding you towards your personal ascension regardless of how unconventional your path seems.
Gemini
Saturn retrograde is bringing down the hammer in a more sensitive part of your chart which can feel like a whole lot of inner chaos. Your psyche is undergoing a massive transformation over the next few months as you revisit some painful experiences that stripped you of your power. This is a time to reevaluate what a healthy relationship to power is. In the past, you may have been involved with people who mismanaged, manipulated, and even abused their influence in your life which has jaded your own perception of what it truly means to be in your power.
This Summer you'll be stripping away the false narratives that diminish your capabilities to achieve the blessings that are meant for you. Emotional volatility is common during this time. Meet yourself, wherever you are, with compassion. Seek to understand the suppressed emotions forcing their way into your conscious awareness. In due time, you will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes in all of your glory.
Cancer
Things are getting serious in the relationship department this Summer. Do I hear wedding bells? Sorry if I ruined the surprise but quite a few of you are in store for a proposal during this transit. This energy is make or break season when it comes to a significant relationship in your life. Saturn retrograde can be a challenging transit that requires you to consider what you really want when it comes to your long-term growth. Can you see you and this person truly going the distance? By September, you'll have your answer.
If you're not in a committed relationship, this transit can highlight where you need to make adjustments in a business partnership or employment contract. Reassess whether your current job has growth potential. If not, this is a good time to revamp your resume and explore other options. You could very well find yourself in a cushy position with more authority come the end of the Summer.
Leo
Saturn retrograde gives you the opportunity to reassess your routines, habits, and health. You may be overexerting yourself in one area of your life which has resulted in some unhealthy habits, whether it be an addiction to caffeine, working yourself to the bone, or neglecting your fitness routine.
The next few months is the divine intervention you need to whip you into shape both literally and figuratively speaking. This is a time to recommit to what matters to you most.
Getting back into your fitness routine is encouraged along with implementing more well-rounded, nutritious eating habits in your life. If you've been experiencing any strange physical symptoms, make that appointment with your doctor. It's better to be proactive instead of waiting for a minor problem to escalate into something more serious. Changes in your workplace or schedule are likely at this time. Figuring out a routine that works best for you to maintain your well-being is supported.
Virgo
The next few months brings your attention to romance, adventure, and creative expression. You may be considering a more serious commitment with someone you've been casually dating or weeding out people that don't have long-term potential. Saturn retrograde can bring on a more serious approach to our lives and if you've been excessively all about play, it's time to snap back into reality. Don't worry. Your pockets will thank you for this hiatus from all of your wining and dining, traveling, and entertainment.
If you have children, you may find them particularly demanding (as in expensive) during this transit. School is out for the summer which means higher bills, more trips to the grocery store, and tons of extracurricular activities that keep the lil' ones out of trouble. This Summer doesn't have to be a major wash out. You should still get out and enjoy yourself on occasion but keep in mind that you don't have to splurge to have a good time.
Libra
Saturn retrograde brings your focus to your family, home, and roots. You may be on the receiving end of a lot of pressure from your family, particularly the mother, during this transit. Traditions that run in your lineage are up for review over the next few months as you seek to discover who you are as an individual. There may be a significant person in your life attempting to shape and mold you into their idea of you. However, you're encouraged to draw the line in the sand when it comes to the way you choose to live your life.
If you've been struggling with breaking through some generational patterns, the "Lord of Karma" can assist in this transformation. Depending on what stage you're at in life, this is a great time to look into buying a home or relocating. Give yourself the next few months to get into the details before making your decision. If you're interested in starting a family, use this transit to create your fertility plan.
Scorpio
As one of the most sensitive signs of the zodiac, you have the tendency to get enmeshed in other people's lives swiftly and easily. Your empathic nature causes you to experience the pain of others on a visceral level that not everyone can relate to. Your soothing vibes make you a magnet for people seeking wisdom, guidance, and nurturing. Unfortunately, this can be a detriment to you if you don't keep your limits in mind.
It's important for you to understand the difference between enabling others and actually helping them. You can't do the work for people nor can you be everyone to everybody.
During this transit, you're encouraged to take a backseat from the affairs of siblings, friends, and even your online community to focus your energy on packaging your gems of wisdom into something more tangible like that memoir or self-help book you've been putting to the back-burner.
Sagittarius
During this Summer, you'll be challenged to set better boundaries when it comes to your finances. If you've been overspending or too generous with your money, it's time to reel it in, Ms. Money Bags. The next few months is an opportune time to reassess your budget as well as your source(s) of income. Maybe you've been exerting too much energy into an endeavor and not getting the return you expected.
Saturn retrograde often brings harsh realities with it. Be honest about how disciplined you've been in working towards your goals. During this transit you may also realize how your skills and talents are being undervalued in your current role. Seek opportunities that align with what you truly love to do by unraveling any lack-based programming that inhibits you from receiving the wealth that the Universe has to offer.
Capricorn
Saturn retrograde encourages you to reevaluate how you've been delegating your time and energy across all aspects of your life since the "Lord of Karma" is transiting your sign. Over the next few months, you'll be refining your personal image and how you want to be received by the world. This could involve something as simple as a makeover, but on a deeper level this transit is requiring you to make some adjustments when it comes to your behavior as well.
If you've been hiding in the shadows, now is the time to come front and center stage. Opportunities can't find you if you're playing hide and seek.
Saturn retro is also about recommitting to yourself by establishing boundaries between your own shit and what belongs to others. If you've been picking up the slack for someone else, they're likely in for a rude awakening during this transit. You've got enough on your plate as is. Be realistic about your limits and don't feel guilty about this crucial time in which you'll experience exponential growth within yourself and towards your personal goals.
Aquarius
This Summer brings your attention inwards to a more low-key part of your chart that will challenge you in the area of your subconscious patterns and self-sabotaging habits. Your dreams can be extremely insightful during this transit, gifting you with insight into your past, and potentially past lives, that helps you see how you've become entangled in a narrative of defeat and powerlessness. The next few months are best served diving deeper into your spiritual connection and developing your faith in the divine which ultimately lies within you.
For many of the other zodiac signs, this Saturn retrograde will be an external experience involving the more tangible aspects of life. Your experience, however, is more of an internal battle between your conscious and subconscious mind. As grueling as a transit in your 12th house can be, understand that the Universe is not punishing you. Remember, babe. Pressure makes diamonds.
Pisces
OK, Pisces. Saturn retrograde isn't your favorite time of the year due to your boundless, carefree nature. However, this transit will challenge you to draw the line between what's yours and what isn't. Your friendships and social networks are undergoing some adjustments over the next few months. As open and giving as you usually are, you may be feeling the burn of unreciprocated effort from some of the people in your tribe.
Instead of doing that thing where you try to force people to get on board, your energy will be better served in the pursuit of new connections. This doesn't mean you have to burn any bridges as you expand into new social territories. You're just learning how to better compartmentalize the relationships that don't offer as much value to your mission in life. Collaborating with more like-hearted individuals is favorable this Summer and you're likely to make some lifelong connections with some special people.
Featured image by Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You'd Be Amazed How Much This One Thing Can Keep You Out Of Divorce Court
I truly can’t believe that it was almost five freakin’ years ago that I penned “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again” for this platform. Now that I’m in the thick of writing my third book (due out later this year) and I’m revisiting this declaration, I am standing firm on it more than ever. There are no boyfriends in the Bible. Your taxes couldn’t care less if you have a boyfriend (some of y’all will catch that later). And acting like you’re married while having a boyfriend when you’re actually not? That is so hella counterproductive — on a myriad of different levels.
Yeah, the longer I live, the more folks I counsel, and the more that I observe humanity; in general, I honestly believe that this culture and how it dates, it teaches people how to divorce, not marry. “Fall in love,” place marriage rules in the dynamic, break up…rinse, and repeat. Then, by the time you actually do say marital vows to someone (which are serious, y’all), you don’t even really mean them or get the weight of them because you’re processing them as barely a step up from whatever you and your last three boyfriends promised to each other.
It's so countercultural to talk about relationships from this angle — and that is why I am hypervigilant about doing all that I can to keep married folks from calling it quits. Because what the Bible does say is covenant-keeping is very serious (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11, Ephesians 5:22-33), the reality is that divorces can be costly on every level, and, reportedly, about half of people who do divorce, on some level, end up regretting it (check out “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce”). So, if we can keep the ending of marriages to a minimum (or at least try), shouldn’t we?
With all of this said, in walks something that I personally found to be pretty interesting. Apparently, after a whopping 40,000 couples were researched, with 94 percent accuracy, there is one thing that could predict if they would divorce. Or not. Are you ready to read what it is?
Did You Know There Is Such a Thing As “The Four Horsemen” in a Marriage?
GiphyIt never fails. Whenever I’m having a conversation with a couple who is seriously contemplating marriage, one thing that they will ask me is if there’s a way to ensure that they won’t get a divorce. I mean, if two people decide to not divorce, they won’t. That’s another message for another time, though. For now, what I will say is when I read about what The Gottman Institute considers to be “The Four Horsemen” of poor communication styles in a marriage, I totally got where they were coming from.
And what are they? According to the institute, it’s criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Although the reality is that pretty much all humans struggle with these on some level, let me briefly explain what it means to be excessive with them.
- An overly critical person gives unsolicited advice that the person on the receiving end either doesn’t want or doesn’t find to be helpful at all. Still, the critical person gives it because they always seem to think that they know best — including when it comes to timing.
- A person who speaks with some level of contempt usually hits below the belt or is super disrespectful in their delivery. They don’t mind being very sarcastic, dismissive, mocking others, or calling them names (bookmark this one).
- A person who is hella defensive usually struggles with not taking what they dish out, they can’t receive advice unless it’s connected to praise, and they absolutely suck at personal accountability, which is why they deflect, make excuses, and justify their actions a lot.
- Stonewallers are individuals who hold grudges, are passive-aggressive, and refuse to communicate. Of the four, this one is typically seen as the most immature course of action.
And when you take all of these in and then factor in that poor communication (because if you argue a lot, your communication skills need work) continues to be one of the leading causes of divorce (although I do find it interesting that, as far as sources of conflict go, career choices then parenting styles and then the divvying up of household chores lead the pack), whether you want to get married, are newly married or have been married for a while now, keeping those four horsemen in mind, along with being real with yourself about where you succumb to communicating that way, all of this is definitely worth taking special note of.
Okay, but those are four things and the title of this article says that ONE thing, in particular, can help you to avoid divorce most of all. What is it? Well, as far as which one of the four is the most damning, many experts say that it’s contempt. I get why. I mean, who wants to be intimate with someone, on any level, if they are mean as hell? After all, no one signs up to be another person’s emotional punching bag. Marriage is supposed to be an emotional safe space; not a battlefield.
However, according to the married couple John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., the greatest predictor of divorce is something else (although the four horsemen are definitely a huge part of what can prevent what I’m about to say next from transpiring).
The One Thing That Just Might “Divorce-Proof” Your Marriage
GiphySo what could actually keep you out of divorce court if you take and then apply it seriously? The Gottmans call it “turning towards” your partner. And just what does that mean? In a nutshell, it’s being intentional about making sure that your partner feels both seen and heard.
Honestly, one of the best ways that you can do that is through your body language (check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”) because it’s already pretty rude for your partner to try and express how they feel and you turn your back towards them or even switch your energy away from them. No one wants to be dismissed like that. However, turning towards your partner means more than just that.
Turning towards your partner is all about fully engaging them. I’ll give you some examples:
When you’re turning towards your partner, you are applying compassion. For instance, if they had a hard day at work and they express to you what’s going on, you’re not so quick to give advice or criticize; instead, you acknowledge what they said and respond with things like, “I can see how that would make you feel. Anything I can do?”
When you’re turning towards your partner, you are open to what they are saying, even about you, that you might not like. For example, if they bring something up that you do that bothers them or hurts their feelings, you don’t get defensive or pull that “You do it too” mess; instead, you take the approach of, “Will you explain to me how that affects you to the point where you are upset by it?” and then you LISTEN FULLY (meaning without interruption) to their response.
When you’re turning towards your partner, you take the stance that Dr. Phil has become well-known for saying: “Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?” You get that because your marriage isn’t just about you, you are willing to compromise, be flexible, and do what’s ultimately best for the relationship instead of only focusing on things going your way.
These are merely three examples of what it means to “turn towards” your partner, and according to the Gottmans, whenever you do that, you have an 86 percent chance of staying together instead of a 33 percent chance if you don’t.
And just how can you become a master at turning towards your partner if this is a concept that is completely new to you? Good question. When two people make the decision to share their lives, this means that they are choosing to meet each other’s needs. The only way that you can know what those are is by asking — not assuming, not presuming…asking. And then, once you know, discuss with your partner if you are meeting their needs in a way where they feel like their needs are actually being met.
And what does that mean? Listen, I can’t tell you how many times I have been in a session with a spouse who has told me that they are a good husband or wife, and then, when I ask their partner if they agree, all hell breaks loose. Yeah, you can’t be in a relationship with someone and have the only vote on whether you are good for them or not; they definitely get a say. And if you’re serious about “turning towards” your spouse, you’ll want to hear what they have to say about if you are both good to and for them — in both the big and smaller things.
____
At the end of the day, if you want to avoid divorcing at all costs (and here’s hoping that you do), turning towards your partner is about expressing empathy. It’s about facing them, figuratively and literally, so that you can better understand them, support them, and share in their needs with them. Because when you sign up for marriage, that’s a huge part of what it means to be a married person.
Marriage: Riding through life together. Avoiding the four horsemen at all costs. Turning towards each other. Daily.
Amen.
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