Welp. Here I am, back again, with another article on how we can all take better care of our vaginas. I must admit that even though the vagina (our beautiful flower) is something that I am semi-passionate about sharing information on, even I continue to be amazed by just how much intel there is to learn.
Take the vaginal microbiome, for example. Even if you do happen to know what that is (and you get an automatic 10 points if indeed you do!), how often do you hear it brought up in conversation, in articles, or even on social media? And yet, as you’re about to see in just a moment, if more of us focused on taking good care of this very thing, our vagina — and overall health — would prosper on a whole ‘nother level.
So, if you’re curious about something that you maintain to keep your vagina in the best shape possible, read on. This here will certainly do it.
What Is Your Vaginal Microbiome?
Mother Nature Art GIF by Emilia SchettinoGiphyOkay, so what exactly is the vaginal microbiome? Well, let’s begin with the term human microbiota.
The long short of it is each human has a whopping 10-100 trillion symbiotic microbial cells in their body; most of them are housed in the gut. What this is called is the human microbiota. Well, the genetic profile of the microbiota is known as the microbiome, and the vaginal microbiome, specifically, consists of the different types of bacteria that are housed in a woman’s genital tract.
The reason why all of this is so vital is because, since 80 percent of your immune system is housed in your gut and the overgrowth of bacteria in your genital tract can lead to various infections (especially bacterial vaginosis, which is otherwise known as BV), you’ve got to be proactive in taking good care of both your microbiota as well as your microbiome.
As far as your human microbiota — which is sometimes called your gut microbiome — is concerned, you can check out a few tips on how to properly care for it here. In the meantime, when it comes to your vaginal microbiome, we’ll get more into how to keep it in good condition below.
How Does Your Vaginal Microbiome Impact Your Overall Health and Well-Being?
You definitely want your vaginal microbiome to be as healthy as possible. The main reason why is that it helps to keep your vagina at a good pH level which creates an environment where you are less vulnerable to vaginal infections, including STI/STDs, bacterial vaginosis (BV), yeast infections, urinary tract infections (UTIs) and pelvic inflammatory disease. Also, if you are currently in the process of trying to conceive, a healthy vaginal microbiome can help to reduce your chances of your baby being born prematurely. So yeah, having and maintaining a healthy vaginal microbiome is a pretty big deal.
Not only that but when you end up getting recurring infections, that can end up taking a toll on your overall health and well-being. For instance, studies reveal that STI/STDs can increase your chances of getting cancer, developing problems with your nervous system, heart disease, and even neurological damage. Or if BV goes untreated , that can increase your chances of getting an STI/STD, developing pelvic inflammatory disease, or being diagnosed with endometriosis.
So basically, the more proactive you are in taking care of your vaginal microbiome, the better your chances are of your health remaining in great condition, period.
5 Things You Can Do to Keep Your Vaginal Microbiome in Good Shape
Menstrual Cup GIF by Period NirvanaGiphyIf you just read all of what I said and you’re thinking something along the lines of, “Okay, Shellie, simplify what I need to do to take care of my vaginal microbiome,” — the first thing that I would say is you need to make sure that there are more “good bacteria” in your genital tract than bad. A surefire way to do that is to consume probiotics, specifically, the kind that are high in lactobacilli, because it contains what helps your vaginal pH to remain where it needs to be.
If you’ve never taken probiotics in a supplement form before, a list of some of the (current) best ones for women’s health is located here and here.
Aside from that, here are five other proven and effective things that you can do:
1. Eat plant-based foods.
One of the main goals that you should have is to “feed your vagina” foods that will either give it more good bacteria or will help the good bacteria that is already in your vagina thrive; many plant-based ones will do just that. Prebiotic ones like onions, asparagus, and bananas will help healthy bacteria to grow. Probiotic foods like sauerkraut and pickles help to create good bacteria.
Foods that are high in fiber, like sweet potatoes, blueberries, and almonds, can help lactobacilli to remain intact (while we’re here, processed food has been proven to throw your vaginal microbiome off, so please consume them in extreme moderation).
2. Use a menstrual cup.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times. Lawd, I wish that I wasn’t late in the game when it comes to using a menstrual cup. Although on my heavy period days, I was going to need the backup of pads regardless, on lighter ones, a cup feels like you’re not on your cycle at all! Oh, how I adore them so.
As far as your vaginal microbiome goes, they’re bomb because, well, since cups collect blood (instead of just letting blood lodge in your vagina like tampons do), studies say that you increase your chances by 37 percent to have a healthier vaginal microbiome and reduce your chances by 26 percent of not getting BV at all. Sounds like a win, all the way around, if you ask me.
3. Make sure your lubricant is pH-balanced.
Although some people think that lubricant should only be used if you naturally struggle with getting wet, I don’t agree. So much, in fact, that I once penned, “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant.” Just make sure that you go with a lube that will help your vagina to remain at the pH level that it should be (which is somewhere between 3.8-5.0).
Silicone-based ones are good in this department. Plus, they last longer than water-based lubricants and are safe to use with condoms or on your sex toys.
4. Consistently sterilize your sex toys.
Speaking of sex toys, please make sure to sterilize yours after each and every use. Not only does it help to keep bad bacteria at bay, but it also reduces your chances of getting an STI/STD or even BV or a UTI. For tips on how to properly clean yours, click here.
5. Drink some coffee. Or green tea. Or red wine.
If very few things bring you joy, like a hot cup of java, I’ve got great news for you. Since coffee contains polyphenols and polyphenols are plant-based chemical compounds that are loaded with antioxidants, drinking coffee can help to support the good bacteria that are in your vagina (so long as you don’t overdo it!).
If coffee isn’t your thing, green tea and red wine have these polyphenols in them, too.
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Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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