Quantcast
What Is The Orgasm Gap & How Do We Close It?
Shutterstock

What Is The Orgasm Gap & How Do We Close It?

The miseducation around our sexuality stops now.

Sex

Women, in general, tend to disassociate during sex (myself included) and I hate that for us. But here's the thing: the year was 1960-something when white women are preaching, striving for sexual liberation, and coining terms like "the orgasm gap". Black women, we (our ancestors) were putting the same energy into the civil rights movement. The priorities were different and understandably so. Yet, I say all of this to say: the undoing and desire to close the orgasm gap began late for us, when in reality we needed a head start because so much of our sexuality has been colonized to begin with.

And, it shows! It shows in how we as Black women view sex and our sexualities, how we discuss it, and how we feel about it. For so long, sex was seen as something men do to us. So much so that I recall a time where so many women would rather not masturbate because her pleasure was intended to stroke the ego of men. The thing is, the orgasm gap that we face tells a different story in regards to the pleasure we're receiving in our sex lives. No, the orgams gap isn't specific to Black women, but much like the pay gap I imagine that this (the orgasm gap) too disproportionately impacts us.

Giphy

But let me back up. What is the orgasm gap? The orgasm gap refers to the prioritization of the cis-het man's orgasm in the bedroom. It's the centering of pleasure around the patriarchy for any number of reasons, whether it be miseducation or willful "ill[CLIlT]eracy."

In a nutshell: it is the disproportionate rate of men to women receiving orgasms in the bedroom.

Though everyone's body is different and not all women are capable of having an orgasm, we should be able to enjoy the pleasure that comes along with a partner who tries their best to get us there. The biggest issue for an able-bodied clitoris is education, i.e. our grossly lacking understanding of our anatomy.

With over 5,000 nerves in the clitoris, it simply shouldn't be this hard for women to receive an orgasm. But men have to be able to find it, first. The best way to remedy this is a healthier sex education for all -- sex-positive sex education in our homes and in the school system. But because I'm in the business of talking about Black women specifically, I want to talk about some ways to close the orgasm gap specifically tailored towards us.

1.Unlearn Shame and Colonial Sex Idealogies

jenifer lewis shame GIF by ABC NetworkGiphy

Those who enslaved Blacks were very intentional about the language they used around our sexuality, demonizing us with derogatory language that condoned the sexual mistreatment of Black women and men. They made it appear that because we were "animals" we had an insatiable sex drive that condoned white men raping us and a false narrative that Black men couldn't be trusted to not sexually harm white women. Black women were bred as if they were cows in a barnyard and then once slavery ended, they created the narrative that all we do is lay up and have children. This also brought into play respectability politics in an attempt to move us from this narrative and create more opportunities in a white world for Black people. So now when we show any natural human sexuality, we as Black women are hypersexualized and that breeds internalized hate.

Unlearn all of that because that's the real white shit -- not sucking dick, not anal, not masturbation. To further understand what it is that you're unlearning, research the contradictions and exploitation that colonizers have created around oursexuality while they are out here living their best lives.

2.Get Familiar with Your Actual Sexuality

Start unpacking after you've done some educating! How do you actually feel about sex as it related to you? Your sexuality. Who do you want to be when it comes to your sexuality...when society isn't dictating? Why do you judge those (especially women) who display their sexuality differently than you? How often have you encountered the reality of the orgasm gap? It might be helpful to journal through this.

3.Explore Your Body

Sexy Hannah GIF by HannahWittonGiphy

You cannot help your partner understand what you like if you don't know what you like. Try masturbating manually and with a toy while viewing ethical porn or reading an erotic novel. Touch your breasts, use lubricant, set the mood.

Genuinely have sex with yourself so that you can truly innerstand what gets you to your orgasm.

Are you in the majority where you require a combination of clioral and vaginal stimulation? What trauma do you have around your sexuality, from this lifetime and others, from your personal experiences and from those of your ancestors (our bodies hold that too)?

4.Educate Yourself

Based on what you found in your research, browse the internet or connect with others in order to figure out ways to bridge the gaps in your pleasure, making for one less statistic of the orgasm gap. Goop has a great resource entitled the "14 Best Books About Sex That are Worth the Read" and is a great place to start.

5.Communicate and Consent

66.media.tumblr.com

Be sure to talk to your partners before you all have sex (not necessarily right before) and after. See what's working and what's not. Try to communicate your sexual trauma so that your partner doesn't accidentally trigger you in any way. After all, if you can't even relax during sex, an orgasm becomes that much more difficult to attain. DO NOT be afraid to say what didn't please you.

The ancient African-American proverb "a closed mouth doesn't get fed" will never not be relevant. And also make sure you're open and honest about the kinks that you may need integrated in order to feel sexually fulfilled.

These discussions will make sure you're sexually compatible with your partner and that your partner is willing and ready to do what it takes to ensure you both have a pleasurable experience.

6.Educate Those in Your Life

From your sexual partners to your children, make sure you're teaching everything from the anatomy and how it works, to the ways in which most porn should not be the pleasure map that is pulled from.

Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!

Featured image by Shutterstock

What 14 People Say 'Great Sex' Means To Them

What is the difference between bad, average, and great sex? If I ask thirty people this question, I would get thirty different answers. As someone who's had their fair share of both good and not-so-good sex, I understand that there is no one size fits all answer to this question. "Great sex" can mean different things to different people. Case in point, I once had an amazing sexual experience with a guy that a mutual “friend” had a horrible experience with. Great sex is subjective AF! According to the mutual friend his sex was subpar at best. One person’s trash is another one’s treasure. Great sex boils down to what is good for you and your partner at the moment. No two people are the same so no two sexual experiences will be the same either.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Halle Bailey On The Revolutionary Act Of Wearing Her Locs As Ariel

When the trailer for The Little Mermaid dropped, everyone finally got to see Halle Bailey as Ariel. Black women and girls raved over the singer/ actress’s beauty as the beloved character while she belted out the Disney classic song “Part of Your World.” And one of the most noticeable things that many fans pointed out was that the character’s red hair was made of locs.

Keep reading...Show less
5 Times Megan Thee Stallion & Pardison Fontaine Showed Their Love On The 'Gram

Another day, another photo of Megan Thee Stallion that went viral. But this time she had a little help from her boyfriend Pardison “Pardi” Fontaine. The “Pressurelicious” artist’s fans were in for a surprise a few days ago after Megan posted a photo of herself lying on the floor with her legs up and wrapped around Pardi’s waist. Pardi appeared to be focused on playing his video game while Meg’s derriere was tooted in the air but he managed to wrap his arms around it as he held the controller.

Keep reading...Show less
The Mamie 'Till' Movie Wants To Empower Us

Sitting in the theater getting ready to watch Nopefor the third time, I was excited, like a good film nerd, to see my friend's first-time reactions to the fun UFO horror-comedy. My heart sank immediately when a trailer for the film Till, which follows the life and legacy of Emmett Till's mother, Mamie, started playing first.

My knee-jerk reaction, of course, comes from years of watching film and TV that have exploited Black trauma onscreen and were created with little (if any) consideration for what could emotionally trigger the Black audience. The 1955 murder of Emmett Till is so heartbreaking and inherently violent; would this film make us live through that violence on screen?

Fortunately, no!

This week, before watching Gina Prince-Bythewood's incredible The Woman King, a featurette for Till played in place of a trailer and it soothed my fears.

"There will be no physical violence against Black people on screen," the film's award-winning director and co-writer Chinonye Chukwu says in the featurette. "I'm not interested in relishing in that kind of physical trauma. We're going to begin and end in a place of joy," she says.

Starring Danielle Deadwyler (whose heartfelt performance on HBO's Station Eleven stole the show) as Mamie, Till is a celebration of Mamie's tireless activism which sparked the civil rights movement that continues today and ultimately culminated in President Biden signing the Emmett Till Anti-Lynching Act into law just a few months ago in March 2022. "Mamie Till Mobley is a hero," says Alana Mayo, president of Orion Pictures, the production company behind the film. "I'm really, really committed to making movies not just by us, but for us," Mayo says in the featurette.

After a private screening of Till, this week, Trayvon Martin's mother, Sybrina Fulton, tweeted that the film was "#Powerful" and "a must see."

Mamie's story of courage in the face of unspeakable tragedy deserves to be told--especially as we continue the fight for civil rights today. Knowing that the Black filmmakers behind the film are centering Black joy and aiming for our empowerment through the film makes a world of difference.

TILLis in theaters October 14.

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.



"

Exclusive Interviews
Latest Posts