Take Your Sex Life To Another Level Through Mindful Behavior
I'll be the first to admit that my relationship with penetrative sex changed when I tapped into mindfulness. Although I didn't have the language for what it was at the time, now I can see the way my mind and body opened up when I stopped thinking and started flowing. When I stopped racing to a foreseeable end and instead reveled in being fully present. My connection intensified, so did the passion, and so did my experience with previously nonexistent vaginal orgasms. It was transformative to say the least.
Nowadays, I have the language for what that state of being is. The act of being present, fully aware of the moment, giving unwavering and undivided attention. Every sensation takes center stage and the emphasis on senses intensifies how I experience touch, taste, and of course feeling filled. That word is mindful; and to apply it to sex, well, you get mindful sex.
And what makes mind-full sex different from mind-less sex?
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What is Mindful Sex?
In a conversation with sex therapist Dr. Donna, LICSW, M.ED, founder and lead therapist at AnnodRight, she explained, "You wouldn't be having sex with your to-do list on your mind. You would be engaged in the moment with what is happening and not on other things like dishes, work, or if your fro still looks good while you're having sex. What truly makes the difference is being in the moment intentionally."
Intention. When I think back to times in my life where the sex I was having was very mind-less, it usually had everything to do with where I was physically and mentally weren't in alignment. I was in my head about feeling pressured to orgasm, I was in my head about not feeling confident in my body, I was thinking of what he could be thinking. I was everywhere and nowhere all at once.
If You Have a Hard Time Connecting Sexually with Your Partner...
For those of us who have or have had difficult times feeling connected during sex overall, what we fail to realize is how much mental blockages interrupt our connection to the moment and our ability to surrender to pleasure in a way that helps us reach ecstasy. Mindful sex can be a solution to that.
Dr. Donna advised that if you are experiencing mental blocks that stop you from connecting during sex to take a moment to get to the root of the disconnect. "What is usually going on for you where you don't feel connected? Is it only in the boudoir with your partner, or is that disconnect in other places?" she recommended. "Take some time to figure out those pieces FIRST, then come back to how you can be present in the bedroom. Some of the disconnect can be the [sex] position."
"For this, I suggest front-facing positions where you can look at each other. Practicing some mindfulness on your own can also help you to be better practiced when you get into the sexual situation you want."
Our article on intimate sex positions is a great place to start.
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3 Ways to be More in the Moment During Sex
Mindful sex is a beautiful way to deepen and intensify the sex you have with your partner. In order to practice being more present and in the moment during sex, Dr. Donna shared the following ways:
1. Remove all distractions. Including music.
"Turn off the TV, unexpected sounds and flashes can take you out of the moment. Also, until you have mastered it, turn off the music. Let the rhythm between the two of you be the true focal point here."
2. Plan the sex.
"Sounds so unsexy, but hear me out. Planning a time and space for sexy time can help to build up anticipation, on the one hand, and means that you can better plan for a distraction-free environment. You can make sure to schedule all the obligatory adulting activities before it, so that you can more easily give yourself over to your sexual desires."
3. Talk about your connection issue.
"If you find that you are consistently distracted in sex, talk about it with your partner. There is no use in keeping that secret. When we talk about what is on our minds or the feelings we have been harboring, we give them an outlet, which means they take up less space in our minds. Having the conversation can also mean that between the two of you, you can come up with some solutions."
Featured image by Adene Sanchez/Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna On Letting God Lead Her Relationship With A$AP Rocky: 'I...Just Let Go'
Rihanna is spilling all the tea about her relationship with A$AP Rocky. The couple has been on our radar since rumors about them dating began back in 2020, wondering what they were going to wear next and whether they were serious. Well, a few short years later, they both became parents to two sons, RZA and Riot, and they continue to support each other.
Rocky was there when Rihanna performed at the 2023 Super Bowl and he's supported her on the red carpet at her Fenty Beauty events. The "Kiss it Better" singer has attended her "Fashion Killa" collaborator's shows, such as his Paris Fashion Week concert and Spotify Beach concert at the Cannes Lions Festival.
In her cover story with Interview, the billionaire songstress opens up about her relationship with Rocky, sharing how they got together and whether she wants more kids. Here are the highlights:
Rihanna On A$AP Rocky's Style
Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images
"Isn’t he the best? I be feeling bummy as shit next to this man. I feel like, goddamn, I look like his assistant. I’m getting on a plane. We should be in sweats. He wants to be in a full Bottega suit. I’m like, “Why you got to do that to me?”
Rihanna On Performing with A$AP Rocky for the First Time
Rihanna explained how the Harlem rapper "grabbed my ass" during their 2012 VMA performance, but she didn't get mad. “Ah, nah.” That’s why everybody was like, “Oh my god. She likes him.”
Rihanna On When She And A$AP Rocky Began Dating
"We saw fashion the same. We saw creative the same. We ended up in the same circles a lot. And past that, when we grew up, we ended up supporting each other’s brands and products and creative all the time. I would wear his shit, he would show up to my launches. But it wasn’t until the end of 2019—"
Rihanna on Dating With Caution
"No! We’ve known each other for a long time. I’ve seen him in relationships. He’s seen me in relationships. We’ve seen each other outside of relationships. We knew what we’re capable of, and the trouble that we could bring to each other’s lives. We can make or break each other’s hearts. And so, we started dating with a lot of caution.
I just let whatever was supposed to happen, happen. It was just, “This is a flower. It’s either going to die or blossom. But I’m going to let it decide itself.”
Rihanna on How COVID Sped Up Her Relationship with A$AP Rocky
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"COVID sped up our relationship, which I felt like god knew we needed because we were going to start a family. And had it not been for COVID, we would’ve taken a lot more time to get comfortable with each other, to even know that we were ready."
Rihanna on Letting Go In Her Relationship with A$AP Rocky
"I let god lead and just let go. Because in previous relationships, I tried and tried and tried my best, and you still feel like it’s not enough. So when someone sees you completely, and believes in you, and thinks you’re worthy of being the mother of their kids, it’s a great feeling. I felt the same about him. I knew he would be a great dad."
Rihanna on Wanting More Kids
"I don’t know what god wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl. But of course if it’s another boy, it’s another boy."
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